Wedded Bliss?

A friend asked today, "So when are you going to get married again?" It took me back for a moment. I gave him a somewhat frivolous answer, but it did cause me to think. I told him "never". What I meant was "probably never". And here's why.

1. I am not dating anyone at present. Thus, there are no immediate prospects.

2. Patty Stanger--the "yenta" on the show Millionaire Matchmaker--classifies men clients in two categories: hunters and gatherers (just like with early mankind). I suppose the same categories can apply to women. Hunters are those that go out on the hunt, looking for excitement and what they want. Aggressive. Gatherers are those that go out and glean what's already out there to bring things back to the homestead and make something out of them. More laid-back; slow to get started. I am a gatherer. I meet people and take them at face value. I take a wait-and-see attitude about any potential relationship. I don't make close friends easily, and by the time I know them well, I can also see their shortcomings which may (or may not) be something I can live with. Most of the time it is in the "may not" classification. (Of course, *I* don't have any faults!)

3. I had a bad-enough experience with my marriage that I made up my mind before the divorce that life was a whole lot easier without a spouse to worry about. My then-husband made my life somewhat miserable, but I was the real culprit. I married the man even though I knew he was a liar and a cheater. For years, I accepted the unacceptable from him. When our daughter was little, I worked my fanny off to make sure my husband wasn't inconvenienced since wasn't really into children. It wore me out. I lost all respect for myself. In the end, I began to take back my own power. And that's where I'm stuck.

4. For the past 20 years, I have worked really, really hard to make a life for my daughter and me. Then for my grandchildren. I bought a house and made it a home and have been through some tough times to keep it. To paraphrase an old expression, "It ain't much, Baby, but it's all I've got." If Mr. Right came along, what would I do? Give this up? Could I do that?? The house is barely big enough for me, much less me and a spouse...and every spot in it is taken. Anyone with any personal belongings would be out of luck. Maybe if he had some big bucks and could provide us with a nice big place close to here, I could leave all of this "splendor" behind, but most of the men I know have the same retirement money problems that I do: too much month left at the end of the money.

5. What man in his right mind would want to take on a woman who is as close to her daughter as I have been to mine...and the two grandchildren that I adore? If he wanted to be part of my world, it would probably work out. But what if he had a world that he wanted me to be a part of...and the worlds collided?

6. I'm old, ya know? I don't sparkle anymore, and I certainly don't turn heads. I've given up on the chase! I do miss companionship. I do miss going places and seeing things and having an intimate someone to share them with. I don't miss sex! (We won't get into that topic!)

I can hear Dr. Phil telling me that I need to get excited about my life and behave my way to success. I wholeheartedly agree! Perhaps I need to tweak my thinking. One of the last bits of advice that my father gave me before he passed on was that I needed to lose weight and fix myself up. He was worried about my single status. He was right, of course. Dad died in 1994. I STILL need to do those things, if only just to lift myself out of the doldrums, but sometimes I just don't care!

So there you have it. If you are a rich old man without a family who wants to take me away from all of this and have a relationship on my terms, give me a call!

Huh?

I guess I need a life. Last night, something reminded me of a performance I went to in Washington DC back in 1971--a pageant, of sorts, put on by the "Old Guard"--the 3rd Infantry of the Army--the spit-and-polish men who have White House duty, Tomb of the Unknown Soldier duty, and the like. I went on Youtube, and there it was--that very performance. What a treat to revisit the occasion. I was so very moved by it then. Of course, the video doesn't do justice to being there, but it was nice to remember.

Then, too, today I happened upon a BET airing of a documentary about Martin Luther King (in honor of the dedication of a memorial to him in DC). Why is it that I can cry over things that happened so many years ago...and knowing the outcome before it is even depicted??? I was just a confused college kid in those days but had been seriously affected by JFK's assassination when I was in high school...then MLK when I was in college...then, a few months later, RFK. All I could say, over and over again, was "What are we coming to??"

Understand that I was raised to believe that we Americans were special. And my family was special. I had this happy little notion that our country and my family could do no wrong. That was before I was tainted by life. If one lives long enough, one loses that abiding faith in things. I wish I still had it! Ignorance is bliss...and I miss that!

The Human Psyche

Dr. Phil is always "telling it like it is" and advising people on his show to "get real". Know why that's not possible? The human mind cannot compute things that are too awful to contemplate. We lie to ourselves. Our brains can only handle so much; hence the reason that we only use a fraction of it.

My parents lost a child before I was born...an adorable toddler who died in a tragic accident in her crib. When I became a mother, I wondered how my family got through that awful time. My mother replied, "I put it away in my brain and don't think about it until it is safe to do so." Brain trick.

It's like when the power goes out in a storm. Nothing works, yet you flip the light switch anyway. Brain malfunction.

There is the man who shoots and kills an abortion doctor because he is against the taking of human lives. Huh?? Brain disconnect.

Then there is the filter through which we see ourselves. I remember me the way I used to look. Then I see recent photographs and realize that my mind has been photoshopping the images. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't have that photoshop! Brain wearing rose-colored glasses.

For the last 24 hours, I have been dealing with emotions that I have, but don't have a RIGHT to have. It creates brain chaos. I feel this way but I'm not justified, so what am I to do? Let's see if I can clarify...

When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who was very possessive and jealous. I never did anything to cause him to be that way. In those days, the girls were locked in the segregated dorms at 10:30 every night, while the guys could come and go as they pleased. I was president of the 15th floor. One night, the guys decided to have a panty-raid. They were standing outside on the street, chanting for panties to be thrown down to them. The dorm director had ordered all of the dorm residents to the internal lounge, away from the windows...and, as president, I had to take attendance to make sure everyone was there. (This was an effort to keep the boys safe and avert a riot down below.) My boyfriend's buddies knew how possessive he was and told him that they had been thrown a pair of my panties with my name in them. When the raid was over, he was on the phone with me, reading me the riot act. When I'd finally had enough, I informed him that I wasn't anywhere near a window because of the edict by the dorm director, that my underwear didn't have my name in them, and that I wouldn't have thrown any down because I couldn't afford to part with any of my undies! Still, it made me crazy, and he never apologized for being stupid.

Another time, my then-husband started stealing my clothes, etc., to give to his mistress. He didn't admit to it, but his logic was that I wasn't using it...and since he had given it to me...it should be his to disburse as he wanted. (She probably didn't know it was my stuff. I know I would not have wanted something that came from another woman in my relationships.) One of the things he took was a green windbreaker jacket. It just disappeared. Then, as things happened, I had occasion to visit with my stepdaughter who was spending Race Weekend in the mistress's apartment in Plainfield while my ex and mistress stayed at our old place in Cloverdale. I saw the green windbreaker hanging on a coat rack. I said, "That's mine. May I take it?" My stepdaughter told me to help myself. I took it back. A few days later, my ex called and was fishing around, trying to get me to admit that I had been in the apartment. Perhaps they noticed that the windbreaker was missed. Perhaps my stepdaughter said something. I don't know. But I took HIS approach to everything--I totally lied and stuck to it. He couldn't mention the windbreaker because to do that would be the same as admitting that he stole it in the first place. He also couldn't mention his daughter because doing that would put her on the spot. He was screwed by his own dishonesty. Although I never wore the windbreaker again, I kept it for many years before I sent it off to Goodwill. That whole thing was so amusing to me. It was a total "psych" event!

There were times when my daughter was a kid when she would accidentally step on my foot. I would cry out in pain...and she would snarl at me for doing so. Like it was MY fault that she stepped on my foot...like it should NOT have hurt...like I should have known that she didn't do it on purpose and was guilty of making her feel bad. See how the human brain works??

My bro-in-law has been diagnosed with a type of dementia. This man--my sister's husband of 50 years--has always been a bit tough to deal with, emotionally, but he has been a kick-ass provider with a sharp business mind, now fading. His memory is affected, as are his emotions. This isn't one of those deals where a mere tweak of thinking via a counselor can help. This is pathology in action. He knows it is happening and is depressed by it. My sis is only just beginning to learn how tough it is for him...and for her. The more he forgets, the more he depends on her and wants to stay home and away from people...the more she needs to be out with people for support. Talk about twisted logic! Roger isn't so far gone that anyone on the outside would notice, but those of us who know him well can tell. I think the biggest mental hell is knowing what is happening to you and being helpless to do anything about it.

One of my dear friends is moving. Not far...just away. It's not my decision to make and I have no right to be upset by it...but I am. My heart tells me things that don't mesh with my brain. Brain? I have a brain?? Interesting!

I'm rambling. I wish I could count on my brain to tell me the truth and be true to what I believe, but minds lie. I don't think I am making any sense here...

A-Mazing

I am absolutely amazed how a house can get dirty in the absence of anyone in it! When I last left here a couple of weeks ago, the kitchen floor was CLEAN, thanks to the efforts of my son-in-law. When I got back, I found little thingies on the floor, left there by insects, I guess. (Used to find those in the garage...when I had a garage.)

Then, too, there is clutter. The living room still had junk from when the children were here--candy wrappers, marbles all over the place, clothes in obscure places. I've been working on that. (Haven't even started on the kids' rooms!) There are the remnants of the junk mail (still sorting that). Bringing in the suitcases and other stuff from the trip have also contributed to the mess. Laundry to be done. Suitcases to put away. Put all toiletry/cosmetic items back in the various bathrooms where they usually reside. Today, I was looking for toenail clippers. Toenail clippers? I have three sets. Where are they???? I don't know!

Lights have burned out in my absence. The living room computer is dead. The carpet is filthy. The yard needs to be mowed and trimmed. I think I'm beginning to have a clue why I continue to have dreams about cleaning up houses that have such potential but never being able to get to the fun stage!

I went to "linner" today with friends Ryan and Bonnie. I ate too much, of course...but it was nice to see them again. Tomorrow, Megan's former friend Tiffany is coming by around noon, since she will be in the area. I hope she knows that my house isn't baby-proofed! Her son Cole is 2. We'll get by...

I had a nap this evening, so I'm not real sleepy now, but I was up WAY too early this morning. Maybe next time I post, I'll have something more interesting to say... I should say this, though: when my daughter was in California, I felt that I needed to provide a soft place to fall for my grandchildren. I ached for them in the absence of their mother. Now that she is within 30 minutes of them, the responsibility has eased for me. It doesn't erase 1 1/2 years of hurt and uncertainty for the three of us, but it helps. A lot. Maybe I can finally just be Grandma...

Still waiting for that cold front that the weatherman says is supposed to cool things down...

Slowly But Surely...

I am home! Have been since Saturday evening. The house is still here...still in the same condition that I left it. Lawns in Plainfield look unmanicured and crispy. The only greenery that is thriving is crabgrass... When I got in the house, I went to the bathroom, adjusted the AC thermostat, started up the computer, and headed back out to pick up a few groceries to get me through a day or two. My bed felt lovely! There were a couple of times over the past couple of days when I imagined that there were people in the house to take care of, but then realized I was back to solitude. This time, I don't mind so much. Circumstances have changed.

The beastly hot days of summer seem to be over. As Labor Day approaches, there will be more hot days...but not like what we experienced earlier. School started a week or two ago in my previous district and Plainfield. I think today was my grandchildren's first day. It is hard for me to believe that Robin is starting FOURTH grade! Ryan is in second. That's bad enough! I notice that the robin birds are beginning to be scarce. I never did get my hummingbird feeder out this year. I was gone so much, it didn't seem worth it...

Slowly but surely, I am doing up laundry, restocking my empty freezer, making lists of things that need to be done before family descends over Labor Day weekend, etc. Believe it or not, I am also making Christmas lists. Money is so tight that I have to spread out the expense over a number of months. It forces me to actually think about what I want to do for people in advance. That's a good thing!

Before I left Grayslake, Robin asked me what would happen to my house when I die. (I don't remember ever thinking about things like that when I was her age, so I have no idea what prompted that.) I told her that I expected the house would be sold so someone else could have it. But for now, it's still mine!

Wish I had something more exciting to write. I'm happy to be home and delighted with the things we did this summer. I came home with some things checked off my bucket list. Also came home with a brand new laptop computer that Meg and Denis gave me. Since the one in the living room has apparently died, I guess it's good to have a new one!

Earthquake on the East Coast today. Lots of people felt it in Indy. I didn't. So much for that!

Dear Lord, Deliver Me...

My adorable grandson is exhibiting the exact behavior that told me decades ago that I did not want to teach primary grades. I confess that I can no longer control him. Ugh!

The hot weather broke earlier this week. It has been pleasant here. Had some thunderstorms today...then got the horrible news about the stage collapse at the Indy State Fair. Not good!

Denis spent much of the day assembling dressers for the children's bedrooms. Somehow, he stabbed himself in the palm of his thumb... The first aid kid has come out several times today...

When my daughter was a youngster, I found that summer vacation lasted about two weeks too long. It is happening again. I need to be home. Megan and Denis are experiencing relationship withdrawal because the children are here...and the children seem to be in need of schedule and routine. One more week... God bless the babies...

I got my medicine situation taken care of thanks to Walgreen's. It's a long story, but I'll save it for another time.

I have eaten WAY too well this summer. My double chin is bigger than it used to be...and this has to stop. It doesn't help that Megan fixed crepes this morning for breakfast and homemade noodles for supper tonight. And (of course) there is always ice cream for dessert. I'm just so unhappy with myself right now, but food is the thing that soothes the savage beast in me. I think I need a life!

Held Captive!The

You cannot leave the house! Be afraid! Be very afraid! At issue is the fact that I am still in northern Illinois, and the mosquito population has become abundant and hungry! It's not funny, actually. I stepped outside this evening in the rain and got attacked like you wouldn't believe! It doesn't help that there is a marshland just yards from here. It's beautiful and produces such lovely wildlife scenes as egrets and herons and swans...but also mosquitoes as aggressive as killer bees! We have had to invest in bug spray just to make the inside rooms habitable in the evenings. Sheesh!

I have stuck around in order to be Grand-nanny to my grandchildren while Megan and Denis work. In future years, now that they are closer to the children (30 minutes as I gauged it), there will be no need for an all-summer visitation for Meg. Grandma probably couldn't handle it! I'm not getting things taken care of at home, and it works on me. Still, my life is with my grandchildren while they need me. I'm just getting older, ya know?

Saturday was Robin's 9th birthday. We met her father and stepmother and friends at the Winthrop Harbor Marina for Harbor Day activities and a little girl's birthday party. The biggest part of the day was a cardboard boat regatta. Teams were given two big pieces of cardboard, a roll of duct tape, and big sheets of plastic. Boat design was up to the team. Daddy Nathan and friend Louis made the boat. Robin and her friend Nicole were to do the paddling. (Another set of partiers had a boat, too.) When the regatta took place, Robin and Nicole paddled like crazy and came in second (out of four) in spite of their inexperience at this sort of thing. The boat didn't sink and they didn't capsize. They got a little trophy for their experience. I think they had fun! After cake and gifts, I left for "home" while the rest of the family went to Nathan and Kendra's in Zion with friends. They had pizza, then went to a Lake Michigan beach nearby for a fun ending to a busy day. They got home somewhat late (8/9:00-something) and hungry. I fed them mac and cheese, and we all went to bed.

The next day (Sunday...yesterday), the plan was to go to Six Flags (Great America) just a couple of miles from here, to take advantage of free passes that the children had earned from school. The passes were to expire that day, so it was a "use it or lose it" situation. Originally, Megan and Denis were going to take the kids, but Meg had had no opportunity to unpack their bedroom, etc., since we had spent the previous weekend in Indiana cleaning out my fridge. Denis VOLUNTEERED to take the children by himself! They left around noon. I seriously expected them to be back by 5:00 or 6:00--especially since there had been a short thunderstorm in there--but they had a blast. Denis kept in touch via text messages and eventually asked permission for them to shut the place down at 10:00!

Meanwhile, Megan and I worked. I did laundry. She unpacked and sorted. At one point, we went shopping to take advantage of a Kohl's coupon for pants for Denis...and groceries at Walmart...then back to work. I did 10 loads of laundry. Meg unpacked and cleaned. By the end of the day, the difference was quite noticeable. When Denis and the children got home (10:45-ish) they were hungry and very, very tired. (I think it's the first time I ever witnessed Robin excuse herself from our company in order to go to bed!!)

Today--Monday--Megan and Denis went to work. The children and I kept a low profile. They seemed as tired as I felt! No one fussed with each other. Ryan never even got out of his pajamas all day. It rained during the fun part of the evening, so Robin couldn't even play with her new scooter. (Remind me to post the translated Chinese assembly instructions. What a hoot!)

I am really ready to go home. It is pleasant here and I have a place to be...but there are things that aren't getting done at home. I am here until the end of the week when my medicine runs out. After that, we have to decide if I am taking the grandchildren home with me for a week until they go back home to Zion, or if I can find a way to come up with meds for another week. Stay tuned!!

The Mind of a Boy

I didn't raise boys. I had ONE kid--a female--and I'm still trying to understand her. But I have a grandson (7 1/2 years old) whose logic and reasoning sometimes boggles my mind. I keep trying to understand but I don't always get it.

Yesterday, for example, Ryan was playing KINECT on his own. He was stomping all over the place. I asked him to quiet down. Moments later, the thumps got louder, so I ordered him again to quiet down. At that point, he dissolved into tears, went up to his room, and cried for at least 30 minutes. Then he came downstairs and started playing KINECT again... I was the enemy, although I had no clue why. Apparently my attempt to quiet him down caused him to lose his game...and he was not happy about that. Mea culpa!

This morning, Ryan didn't want to go to day camp. After I took them there, I asked if they were done with it. Surprisingly, both Robin and Ryan said they wanted to go. Huh??

Coming soon!!

The Lessons to Be Learned...

If you don't pay your bills on time, things get shut off, ya know? In all my travels, I failed to get my electric bill taken care of. The neighbor who is getting my mail called on Friday to say that the power to my home in Plainfield had been shut off since Tuesday, and he had just noticed it. Oops! I got on the phone and got it taken care of, and the power was restored the same day, but that meant that everything in the refrigerator/freezer had been without cooling for four days...

Megan and Denis decided on Saturday morning that we all needed to drive to Plainfield to take care of the situation. I didn't think we needed to. The meat in the freezer would be refrozen and not in immediate need of disposal...and there wasn't all that much in the fridge...but I was out-voted. We got to Pfield close to dark on Saturday and launched into cleaning things up. Denis then used a floor machine to clean my kitchen floor (which was really, really dirty). Truth be known, I was happy to have the help, but there are still so many things to be done at their place in Illinois that I thought it could wait.

The biggest casualty of our long vacation trip from California to Illinois became Megan and Denis's minivan. It developed a sizeable oil leak, which they took for repairs last weekend. The mechanic declared that there was oil mixed with coolant throughout the engine and suggested a new engine. We had to take his word for it... Meg and Denis went out early in the week and came back with a 2009 Honda Odyssey. Nice buggy!

We are now back in Grayslake, IL. I'll be here for two more weeks, then headed to my home-on-a-slab in Indiana. It's been an interesting summer!