I have a lot of Facebook friends, many of which are 20-30-something female former students who are in varying stages of keeping house, raising kids, maintaining a marriage, and trying to finish up college degrees. Somewhere along the line, they took the cart before the horse and are struggling to keep from burning out. Far too many of my FB friends are never-married young women who are raising toddlers alone, with no participation from the "baby daddies". They often complain about stress and loneliness and are in-and-out of relationships frequently. They seem to define themselves by whether or not there is a MAN in their lives. I bite my tongue because they don't seem to make the connection between that and how they got into the messes they are in!
I've been married, and I've been single. At this point, I've been on my own longer than I was married, both times combined. It wasn't what I would have chosen for myself, had all things been equal, but all things WEREN'T equal, so I have carried on the best way I know how. There are times when I get lonely and scared. More often than not, the loneliness is just boredom. If I get off my fanny and find things to do, it fades quickly.
I just got back from spending a few days at my sister's in Illinois. Throughout her 51 years of marriage to my brother-in-law, I have often envied the daylights out of them. They had means. They had nice things. They had a full circle of friends and a very active social life. I didn't have any of that, even when I was married. What friends "we" had were my husband's fishing or golfing or drinking buddies. I was very much left out, as was our child. In my darker moments toward the end of my marriage, I can remember thinking that I would rather BE alone and have a good reason to feel lonely, than FEEL alone with a so-called "partner" in my life. The partnership had become a tremendous whirlpool that sucked the very life out of me and caused me to think and do things that didn't sit well with my conscience. I know my sister is enduring some of that right now. I think if we live long enough, it happens to everyone.
Still, while I was visiting with my sister, we had occasion to have a lovely evening/cookout with two couples who are old friends of theirs, with means...in their 70s and 80s...and still going strong. These folks raised families together, struggled together, and now have grown old together, gracefully. And THAT is what I miss the most! When my ex and I split up, I can remember grieving over the fact that I would not be able to celebrate a 20th anniversary or enjoy the presence of our future grandchildren together--just being comfortable in each other's presence after the fullness of years. The sadness didn't last long. I had a kid to finish raising and new traditions to begin. There wasn't much time to languish in self-pity. (I have more of that now than then...but not much. Now it is more like how unjust it is to work your fanny off all your life, and your reward is to get old and infirm. Ugh!)
What games we mortals play! Each person is responsible for his/her own happiness, but being married brings its own special entanglements. On Friday, my brother-in-law, who suffers from early stages of dementia, started putting his shoes on. When my sister asked where he was going, he answered, "What do YOU care? You don't care what I do!" I was appalled! There had not been a cross word between them, but I could see that he was agitated about something and in his mind it was somehow HER fault. 'Tis moments like that when I remember all too well that there ARE advantages to the single life!
If I make a mess, I know who is going to clean it up, and when. I eat what I want, when I want. I have complete control of the TV remote control. The thermostat is set on the temperature I need to stay comfortable. I decide where the money, such as it is, will go. I can sleep all day if I want to. There is no one to nag me if I'm not doing what someone else wants me to do. There is no one to blame but me if things go wrong, and no one to demand that I do more...or less. Studies have shown that married people--particularly men--live longer than unmarried people, but I think that is simply out of self-defense!
I'm not bragging. Companionship without neediness is a good thing. Sometimes, I wish I had it, but I'm not sure (at my age) that it's even possible anymore. For now, I am satisfied that my life is all about decisions I made early on and that I am now dealing with the consequences of those decisions. It's not such a bad thing to live alone in my little house-on-a-slab. As comedian Chris Farley would have said, "Whoop-de-freakin'-doo!"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Hotter Than a Firecracker!
It's been awhile since I posted here. Have had my daughter and family here in my house-on-a-slab for a delightful week for Grandma! It might not have been so delightful for my family because THIS early July turned out to be the hottest on record. I think the temperature sensor on my patio read 108 for a short time on the 7th...and only slightly lower 100s on the few days previous.
This was to be my son-in-law's first "traditional" Fourth of July, complete with cookout/picnic, patriotic T-shirts, professional fireworks at the park just west of my house...sparklers on the patio, watermelon and ice cream. (Denis is Russian. He has only been in America since 2008, and is on the fast-track to American citizenship.)
Because of the drought and awful temperatures, most of Indiana is under a "burn ban", and several communities in the county canceled or postponed their fireworks displays. Indianapolis also banned personal fireworks. Plainfield did not. I think the message was, "If you can stand the heat, so can we!" Plainfield has a number of activities at Hummel Park on the Fourth--inflatable "bounce" houses, a climbing wall, concessions, live bands in the band shell, and fireworks. I think they even have duck races (featuring little yellow rubber duckies) on the river, if you get there early enough. On a normal day, it would be lots of fun. In 105-degree heat, however, not so much!
On the 3rd, Grandma Judy and Grandpa Phil had us over for good food at their house. On the 4th, they joined us. Because of the weather, we had an indoor picnic consisting of homemade potato salad, baked beans and chips, potatoes au gratin (because Robin didn't think she'd like potato salad), green and black olives, three kinds of bratwurst that Denis cooked on the grill with two kinds of buns, watermelon, and little pudding tarts that Meg made, complete with strawberries and blueberries to make them festive.
After dinner, it was time to head for the park. (Grandpa Phil opted not to go with us, due to asthma-related problems with air quality.) Robin desperately wanted to walk there (which we used to do before Grandma Peggy's back got so bad and Grandma Judy's knee was replaced). God bless Denis, he agreed to take them there on foot! Megan drove Judy and I to the west entrance of the park near the bandshell so we didn't have much of a walk. We hooked up with Denis and the children, at one point, and enjoyed the "oldies" music that was coming from The Knightsmen. As the sun went down, so did the temps a little. As long as we were holding still, it wasn't so unbearable. We brought out the glow-sticks at dark and enjoyed the fireworks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!
I think Judy and I were the only complainers, but the music that was piped in during the fireworks display wasn't the patriotic stuff. (I've already written to the Powers That Be about that.) In the traffic jam on the way home, we took care of it! Denis plied his phone magic, typing in what we wanted to hear, and it came through the car radio. "Stars and Stripes Forever", "Washington Post March", and another...I forget. At least we got our fix! We drove Judy home and came home ourselves.
Once home, we retired to the patio to do sparklers. Megan took pictures. Sparklers ain't what they used to be when I was a kid, but they are sure better than nothing. For at least 20 minutes after we got back, there were sirens everywhere. I was concerned that there were fires or something, but Megan noticed that one of the passing fire trucks was from Avon, IN...going home in a blaze of Fourth of July glory! I was happy just to sit and watch my family enjoy what was left of the day. When the sparklers were gone, we came in for ice cream and bed. Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, it was LATE. Still, I am so happy we had as good a time as we did, considering how desperately hot it was.
A couple of days later, we actually melted chocolate chips in the sun in order to make "puppy chow"...and fried an egg or two in the sun, as an experiment. The choc chips were easy...the eggs took a little more...but at least Robin got it.
In some respects, I think Denis took the brunt of the Fourth, since he was the one who walked to the park with the children in the heat...he was the one to cook the brats on the grill in the heat...he is the one who faithfully does his "insanity" workout, no matter what. Still, I hope he had fun. When this fellow achieves American citizenship, I think we need to throw a helluva party!
This was to be my son-in-law's first "traditional" Fourth of July, complete with cookout/picnic, patriotic T-shirts, professional fireworks at the park just west of my house...sparklers on the patio, watermelon and ice cream. (Denis is Russian. He has only been in America since 2008, and is on the fast-track to American citizenship.)
Because of the drought and awful temperatures, most of Indiana is under a "burn ban", and several communities in the county canceled or postponed their fireworks displays. Indianapolis also banned personal fireworks. Plainfield did not. I think the message was, "If you can stand the heat, so can we!" Plainfield has a number of activities at Hummel Park on the Fourth--inflatable "bounce" houses, a climbing wall, concessions, live bands in the band shell, and fireworks. I think they even have duck races (featuring little yellow rubber duckies) on the river, if you get there early enough. On a normal day, it would be lots of fun. In 105-degree heat, however, not so much!
On the 3rd, Grandma Judy and Grandpa Phil had us over for good food at their house. On the 4th, they joined us. Because of the weather, we had an indoor picnic consisting of homemade potato salad, baked beans and chips, potatoes au gratin (because Robin didn't think she'd like potato salad), green and black olives, three kinds of bratwurst that Denis cooked on the grill with two kinds of buns, watermelon, and little pudding tarts that Meg made, complete with strawberries and blueberries to make them festive.
After dinner, it was time to head for the park. (Grandpa Phil opted not to go with us, due to asthma-related problems with air quality.) Robin desperately wanted to walk there (which we used to do before Grandma Peggy's back got so bad and Grandma Judy's knee was replaced). God bless Denis, he agreed to take them there on foot! Megan drove Judy and I to the west entrance of the park near the bandshell so we didn't have much of a walk. We hooked up with Denis and the children, at one point, and enjoyed the "oldies" music that was coming from The Knightsmen. As the sun went down, so did the temps a little. As long as we were holding still, it wasn't so unbearable. We brought out the glow-sticks at dark and enjoyed the fireworks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!
I think Judy and I were the only complainers, but the music that was piped in during the fireworks display wasn't the patriotic stuff. (I've already written to the Powers That Be about that.) In the traffic jam on the way home, we took care of it! Denis plied his phone magic, typing in what we wanted to hear, and it came through the car radio. "Stars and Stripes Forever", "Washington Post March", and another...I forget. At least we got our fix! We drove Judy home and came home ourselves.
Once home, we retired to the patio to do sparklers. Megan took pictures. Sparklers ain't what they used to be when I was a kid, but they are sure better than nothing. For at least 20 minutes after we got back, there were sirens everywhere. I was concerned that there were fires or something, but Megan noticed that one of the passing fire trucks was from Avon, IN...going home in a blaze of Fourth of July glory! I was happy just to sit and watch my family enjoy what was left of the day. When the sparklers were gone, we came in for ice cream and bed. Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, it was LATE. Still, I am so happy we had as good a time as we did, considering how desperately hot it was.
A couple of days later, we actually melted chocolate chips in the sun in order to make "puppy chow"...and fried an egg or two in the sun, as an experiment. The choc chips were easy...the eggs took a little more...but at least Robin got it.
In some respects, I think Denis took the brunt of the Fourth, since he was the one who walked to the park with the children in the heat...he was the one to cook the brats on the grill in the heat...he is the one who faithfully does his "insanity" workout, no matter what. Still, I hope he had fun. When this fellow achieves American citizenship, I think we need to throw a helluva party!
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