Life Class

When I came home from church today, I turned on the TV for some background noise.  The channel was still on the Opray Winfrey Network, leftover from the re-run Dr. Phil shows that air from 6:00 to 9:00 AM every day.  I was watching that before I left for church.

Since it is Sunday, Oprah airs a shows she calls Life Class and it frequently shows snippets of past shows where she talks about things learned from her various guests.  Most of the time, I don't watch it because it gets a bit didactic, but I was distracted today and didn't change the channel.  I was listening in the background.  One snippet was about a guest who had gone out for her usual early morning walk with her girlfriend, and while she was gone, her ex-husband entered the home and killed all four of her children--one of them also his--then killed himself.  She sat there on the Oprah show, the picture of total grief...no tears, just total devastation...and when Oprah asked her how she got through her days, she responded that her peace came from the decision that, when she could no longer stand the pain any more, she would do away with herself.  She simply hadn't come to that day yet (largely because her family/friends would not allow her to be alone).  The "life class" lessons were obvious.  Oprah talked about how awful things happen and we sometimes have to reinvent our lives..blah, blah...

And it occurred to me that I had never endured anything that terrible, but I certainly had empathy for that poor woman because I understood at the very marrow of my being how she must have felt.  I have always said if anything happened to my daughter or my grandchildren that people could visit me in the looney bin.  Seriously!  Then Oprah was saying things about having to invent new ways to get through the world.  I realized in that moment that I have been doing that all my life!

Reader's Digest once published a list of high-stress life events that can create illness in the person experiencing them.  Among them was: death in the family, job loss/job change, home move, divorce, catastrophic illness, etc.  I got to looking at that list years ago and realized that I had experienced all of those, one per year for six or seven years in a row.  Then there was a break for a few years, and they started all over again. 

The worst wrench of my life happened three years ago this month.  It changed everything.  It challenged everything I thought was right and true and good.  And through it all, I either had to find a way to survive or give it all up.  Like the woman on Oprah, I was willing to die just to be rid of the emotional pain.  I didn't have the courage to do it myself...just wished that God would take me.  He didn't!  Slowly, slowly, I figured out that I had to find a new way to get through the world...or just shrivel up.  I'm sure it didn't do anything to help my health, .  My cardiologist wanted to put me on Happy Pills when I sat in his office and wept uncontrollably when he asked what was going on in my life, but I resisted.  Chemicals don't take away reality.        

Still and all, in this moment, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I am still standing.  I haven't had a tough life in the sense that I was beaten, abused, or poverty-stricken, but the potential has always been there for all of that.  There were times when I was probably stupid to stick around due to that potential, but I did, and I survived.  Some of what I've endured might have brought lesser women to their knees.  A couple of those events were life-threatening.  I got lucky. 

I believe that every person who lives long enough will endure these bad things, so I don't feel special in that department.  I just think that we all must walk carefully through life because we never know when it will all be over.  The biggest tragedy is that it would all be for naught.  Thought for today:  stop whining about what you want and don't have, and start praising God for what you do have.  I'm working on that!  

Second Season

As I mentioned in a previous post, my annual flowers are looking beautiful since the heat and drought dissipated.  But my perennials are totally confused! 

Most of my annual plants come up in early spring, bloom, then die back for the remainder of the growing season.  Not this year!  Apparently the drought and heat represented "winter" to them, and now that we have reasonable temperatures and plenty of rainfall, they are rejuvenated.  I have had new fronds of my Autumn Ferns come up, new growth on the day lillies, and blooms on whatever the shrub is on the border of my property.  (The border shrub doesn't surprise me, though.  I've seen that silly thing bloom in December!)  The broad-leaf hostas in front, though shredded from the last hailstorm, have finally bloomed. 

And guess what?  There is a frost advisory for tonight.  It's plenty early in the season for that!  It seems that fall arrived almost exactly on the first day on the calendar.  Yesterday, I broke out the fall decorations for the house.  Just enough to celebrate.  I'm not ready for the weather to go from desert to rain forest to winter all in eight weeks' time, but such is life in the Midwest.  Ain't it grand? 

Mind Splatter

It's been quite awhile since I posted on this blog.  I haven't given up.  I simply haven't been able to get my mind to settle on thoughts that could be expressed coherently and still be of interest to others.  I blame this on what I call "mind splatter". 

Over the past couple of years, I have become an active participant in the "social media" event called Facebook.  For the most part, it has been fun to keep in touch with former students and old friends, but lately this has been challenging.  Why?  Because it is an election year.  People whom I normally like and respect in real life have become blithering idiots when it comes to religion and politics online.  I have no objections to people having their political opinions, and I support their right to say what they feel.  But I also have an overgrown sense of fairness, and some of what I see people posting on Facebook is stuff they have copied and pasted from other sites with no regard to accuracy.  Simply put, it is mindless regurgitation, made popular because it is fun to take pot-shots at people and politicians in the anonymity that comes with sitting alone at a computer and not face-to-face. 

I am painfully aware that I am at odds with many of the people in the state of Indiana.  I am a liberal thinker.  (I honestly don't know how anyone who is a Christian or an educator can be anything else.)  However, I consider myself an "independent" voter...not a Democrat.  I have voted for Republican candidates in the past and might again in the future, but more-and-more, I am so turned off by the conservative rhetoric that gets spouted online that it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut.  I have already "unfriended" a number of people on Facebook because I no longer care to read their posts that are offensive to me.  And these are people that I like!

I won't even go into details, but I will say that the people who post offensive things come in three categories: 
Super-patriotic (you don't support the troops if you don't "like" or repost emotional tugs at the heart.  Perhaps they have forgotten that there is no draft now.  The troops have CHOSEN this lifestyle.)
Super-religious (you don't love God or Jesus if you don't "like" or repost things they have posted.  I'm sorry...my personal relationship with God does not require verification on social media!) 
Super-political (you are a "moron" or an "idiot" if you don't vote for my candidate.  Oops!  I have issues that concern me.  If your candidate/party does not address these in ways that are acceptable to me, I will vote my conscience.  My right!)

A couple of times, I got into online arguments with people I otherwise like, that were so off the mark into name-calling and personal attacks that I had to back out because I felt that they were arguing just for the sake of arguing.  (I did get apologies from the worst of them...but not online where others could see.)

Then, one day, the subject of our state Superintendent of Public Instruction came up.  He has set up to have the state take over schools that are "failing" based on student test scores, and I can hardly wait to see how he and his take-over model will succeed over the life-long efforts of teachers who are working their butts off for their students.  I decided to post a rant about it.  At the beginning, I said that I felt a "rant" coming on...and those who didn't want to know it should not read it.  Thereafter, one of my female radio friends (there aren't many of us around!) wrote that she didn't read it because she didn't want it to come between us.  I think she thought I was posting about presidential politics.  She is a conservative Christian, big time.  Although we've never talked about it, I'm sure I don't share her politics...but you know what?  I REALLY appreciate her saying what she did.  Not only did she respect what I suggested (that people of another bent not read it), but by saying what she did, I came to realize that I was becoming too caught up, emotionally, in the whole Facebook/politics deal!

So...what's up with that?  Obviously, I don't have a life outside my home!  Social media only presents what people want it to present...the fact that no one sits in their home to keep them honest.  I have endeavored to be honest and real, but at the end of the day, I understand that it is all just a game.  I've had to back off and let the good times roll without me.  I'm still fighting the mind splatter that comes with caring about people who think it is okay to attack others.  Conservatives and liberals aren't wired the same.  It isn't just a matter of politics.  It's about whose ox is gored, and how passionate they are about the ox. 

I love my country.  I love my God.  I love my family.  I pray for all three every day of my life.  I respect the Commander-in-Chief no matter what political party is behind him at any given time.  Time to get over the political rhetoric and get back to living!  In twenty years, no one is going to remember the importance of Facebook.  I live my life as honestly and unselfishly as I can. So be it!   

Drought Lessons

What a summer this has been!  Here in the Indianapolis area, it was VERY hot and VERY dry.  Record-breaking, actually.  I have a few perennial plants that come up every year that I try to maintain, and this year, for the first time in several, I actually dared to plant annuals in the pots on my patio.  What have I learned?

1.  I have planted the same types of flowers in the patio pots for years.  As long as I was home to keep them watered, all was well.  They were very pretty.  This year, I planted the same flowers...but they didn't do well, although I watered them daily.  I (apparently falsely) believed that as long as they had water, they would be fine.  What I didn't figure was that many days of over 100-degree temps would stunt them.  Watering kept them alive but didn't keep them pretty.  Now that the temps have gone down to "reasonable", the flowers are beginnng to look as nice as they should have looked much earlier in the season.  Just in time for fall and frost!!!!

2.  Grass gives up before weeds do.  After many weeks without rainfall, the grass turned brown and crispy, but the mulberry "volunteers" and other wicked plants were as green as ever.  I know it has to do with tap-roots, etc., but somehow it doesn't seem fair. 

3.  Now that the drought has so-called broken, the grass has greened, but the other stuff in the yard hasn't.  There are brown patches everywhere, and when I came home after two weeks away at my daughter's, there was a big streak of large mushrooms in my front yard. 

4.  With the storm that provided rain for the plants came hail.  Big hail.  Hail big enough that many houses in Plainfield will be getting new roofs.  Hail big enough that my perennial hostas out front were shredded, and the leaves that came down with the hail formed a drift on my sidewalk--all dead, just as if it were fall.  The jury is still out if I will be able to get a new roof.  I never had my roof checked after the last really big hailstorm in the mid-90s.  I'm ready now.

5.  My daughter and I decided to "put up" veggies and fruits this summer.  Unfortunately, the drought and heat made that stuff hard to come by...and it won't get any easier.  Here in Indiana, for example, green beans are hard to come by.  (My sister's garden is just now beginning to produce.)  I miss my garden!!!!! 

6.  It is yet to be determined how badly this year's harvest will affect market food prices.  Meat is already out of sight.  Produce and fruit will follow.  I don't ever remember eggs being as expensive as they are now...and it isn't over yet.

I think it's time for Home Owner's Associations to give up and allow folks to plant what used to be called Victory Gardens in war time.  Thankfully, I don't have an HOA to deal with here...just lots of tree roots.  Unfortunately, many young folks don't know how to preserve foods.  Time to learn!   

   

The Fountain

A few years ago, one of my cousins in Wisconsin sent me a digital copy of an old photograph of our great-great-grandparents. It shows them sitting on the ledge of a fountain in a wooded spot with a gazebo nearby and a large building behind them. The photo fascinates me. I have researched the lives of these people for over thirty years, and each year something new is revealed. But here they are, looking at me in through the lens of a camera over 100 years after they died-- a bearded David dressed in his Civil War uniform, and his wife, Bethsheba, dourly dressed in Victorian black from head to toe.

The fountain, itself, is quite distinctive. It is tall with three tiers, each smaller than the one beneath it. Holding up the tiers is a base that has some sort of tall birds facing forward, with wings outstretched and touching each other. A work of art! I used to gaze at the photo, wondering where that fountain might be and how I could go about finding it to take a picture of me sitting in the same place that my g-g-grandparents did.

My daughter, ever the genealogist, always takes the lead in these searches. We knew that David and Bethsheba had lived the last few years of their lives in the Wisconsin Veteran's Home near Waupaca, Wisconsin. With a few little clicks on her computer, she sent a copy of the picture to an email address at the veteran's home. From there, it was forwarded to a couple of people, and within two or three days, we had the answer: the fountain had been on the Home's campus but had fallen into disrepair and removed, although it was in storage somewhere on the grounds. Awwww.... I wouldn't be able to get the picture that I wanted, but at least we knew where my g-g-grandparents were sitting so many years ago--the location of that magnificent fountain!

I've been in northern Illinois visiting my daughter and family for a couple of weeks. Last weekend, kind of as a last-minute thought, we left on a perfectly beautiful day on a drive to Waupaca, Wisconsin, just to walk the grounds where my g-g-grandparents had lived and were buried. It is a three-hour trip, almost exactly. We found the cemetery instantly, and even better, found the graves almost the minute we got there. I've seen pictures of their tombstone, which looked almost unreadable and covered with lichens. This trip, the stone was scrubbed almost pure white! (Thank you to whomever cares enough about the men and women buried there to tend to their tomstones. I appreciate it!)

After touring the cemetery for a few minutes, we drove across the road to the Wisconsin Veteran's Home, looking for where that silly fountain might have been. We were also looking for a statue of a Civil War soldier that appeared in another old family picture, thinking it must surely also be at the Home because the family was attending a "funeral in Waupaca" (which would have been one of the great-greats). Somehow, we entered the Home grounds at an entrance other than the main gate, so we weren't seeing anything promising, but we kept looking. Eventually, we did find the Mother Lode--the ring of a fountain that had been dedicated in 1894, with a gazebo nearby and a large building behind. Eureka! Even the oak trees in the little park matched the ones in the picture. What a feeling that was!

The story of David and Bethsheba has long fascinated me because he left his wife and eight children in Peoria, Illinois, to go off to fight in the Civil War (for the bounty, I am told). He returned, then re-upped in a veteran's volunteer corps. Then his term of service was up and he went home. Unable to find work, he went off to "herd cattle" for a few months in South Dakota, and that was the last anyone heard from him. Awhile later, a man showed up on Bethsheba's doorstep saying that David had been killed by Indians in SD, so she was left to fend for herself and her eight kids. She couldn't read or write, and had no skills. I'm sure life wasn't easy for her. Eventually, in her older years, she went to live with one of her daughters and family in LaCrosse, WI. When Congress enacted a law allowing a pension for the widows of Civil War veterans, Bethsheba applied for it. She was turned down because she couldn't prove David was dead. The Bureau of Pensions started an investigation that took years, interviewing friends and neighbors to see if they might know of any reason why David would simply abandon his family. They also interviewed folks in the area of South Dakota where David was supposedly killed,, and sought to find out more about the man who brought the news of Davids' supposed death. Nothing ever turned up...but by now, it was thirty years after the war. David would have been in his 70s. Eventually, somehow, a very much alive David McKinney was found in Grants Pass, Oregon, drawing his own pension. His daughter was dispatched to Oregon and brought him back to LaCrosse, and Bethsheba took him back! It was all a mistunderstanding, he said. (I don't believe that for a second, but apparently Bethsheba did.) They eventually were admitted to the Wisconsin Veteran's Home where they lived out their last few years together.

After our trip to the Home, Megan found a book about the place online and ordered it for me. There, on the cover of the book (and in several other places inside), is that old fountain! I feel complete! There were so many fascinating things about the day. Wish we had gone earlier to ask more questions. We never did find the soldier statue. Maybe next trip...

Advantages of the Single Life

I have a lot of Facebook friends, many of which are 20-30-something female former students who are in varying stages of keeping house, raising kids, maintaining a marriage, and trying to finish up college degrees. Somewhere along the line, they took the cart before the horse and are struggling to keep from burning out. Far too many of my FB friends are never-married young women who are raising toddlers alone, with no participation from the "baby daddies". They often complain about stress and loneliness and are in-and-out of relationships frequently. They seem to define themselves by whether or not there is a MAN in their lives. I bite my tongue because they don't seem to make the connection between that and how they got into the messes they are in!

I've been married, and I've been single. At this point, I've been on my own longer than I was married, both times combined. It wasn't what I would have chosen for myself, had all things been equal, but all things WEREN'T equal, so I have carried on the best way I know how. There are times when I get lonely and scared. More often than not, the loneliness is just boredom. If I get off my fanny and find things to do, it fades quickly.

I just got back from spending a few days at my sister's in Illinois. Throughout her 51 years of marriage to my brother-in-law, I have often envied the daylights out of them. They had means. They had nice things. They had a full circle of friends and a very active social life. I didn't have any of that, even when I was married. What friends "we" had were my husband's fishing or golfing or drinking buddies. I was very much left out, as was our child. In my darker moments toward the end of my marriage, I can remember thinking that I would rather BE alone and have a good reason to feel lonely, than FEEL alone with a so-called "partner" in my life. The partnership had become a tremendous whirlpool that sucked the very life out of me and caused me to think and do things that didn't sit well with my conscience. I know my sister is enduring some of that right now. I think if we live long enough, it happens to everyone.

Still, while I was visiting with my sister, we had occasion to have a lovely evening/cookout with two couples who are old friends of theirs, with means...in their 70s and 80s...and still going strong. These folks raised families together, struggled together, and now have grown old together, gracefully. And THAT is what I miss the most! When my ex and I split up, I can remember grieving over the fact that I would not be able to celebrate a 20th anniversary or enjoy the presence of our future grandchildren together--just being comfortable in each other's presence after the fullness of years. The sadness didn't last long. I had a kid to finish raising and new traditions to begin. There wasn't much time to languish in self-pity. (I have more of that now than then...but not much. Now it is more like how unjust it is to work your fanny off all your life, and your reward is to get old and infirm. Ugh!)

What games we mortals play! Each person is responsible for his/her own happiness, but being married brings its own special entanglements. On Friday, my brother-in-law, who suffers from early stages of dementia, started putting his shoes on. When my sister asked where he was going, he answered, "What do YOU care? You don't care what I do!" I was appalled! There had not been a cross word between them, but I could see that he was agitated about something and in his mind it was somehow HER fault. 'Tis moments like that when I remember all too well that there ARE advantages to the single life!

If I make a mess, I know who is going to clean it up, and when. I eat what I want, when I want. I have complete control of the TV remote control. The thermostat is set on the temperature I need to stay comfortable. I decide where the money, such as it is, will go. I can sleep all day if I want to. There is no one to nag me if I'm not doing what someone else wants me to do. There is no one to blame but me if things go wrong, and no one to demand that I do more...or less. Studies have shown that married people--particularly men--live longer than unmarried people, but I think that is simply out of self-defense!

I'm not bragging. Companionship without neediness is a good thing. Sometimes, I wish I had it, but I'm not sure (at my age) that it's even possible anymore. For now, I am satisfied that my life is all about decisions I made early on and that I am now dealing with the consequences of those decisions. It's not such a bad thing to live alone in my little house-on-a-slab. As comedian Chris Farley would have said, "Whoop-de-freakin'-doo!"

Hotter Than a Firecracker!

It's been awhile since I posted here.  Have had my daughter and family here in my house-on-a-slab for a delightful week for Grandma!  It might not have been so delightful for my family because THIS early July turned out to be the hottest on record.  I think the temperature sensor on my patio read 108 for a short time on the 7th...and only slightly lower 100s on the few days previous. 

This was to be my son-in-law's first "traditional" Fourth of July, complete with cookout/picnic, patriotic T-shirts, professional fireworks at the park just west of my house...sparklers on the patio, watermelon and ice cream.  (Denis is Russian.  He has only been in America since 2008, and is on the fast-track to American citizenship.) 

Because of the drought and awful temperatures, most of Indiana is under a "burn ban", and several communities in the county canceled or postponed their fireworks displays.  Indianapolis also banned personal fireworks.  Plainfield did not.  I think the message was, "If you can stand the heat, so can we!"  Plainfield has a number of activities at Hummel Park on the Fourth--inflatable "bounce" houses, a climbing wall, concessions, live bands in the band shell, and fireworks.  I think they even have duck races (featuring little yellow rubber duckies) on the river, if you get there early enough.  On a normal day, it would be lots of fun.  In 105-degree heat, however, not so much!

On the 3rd, Grandma Judy and Grandpa Phil had us over for good food at their house.  On the 4th, they joined us.  Because of the weather, we had an indoor picnic consisting of homemade potato salad, baked beans and chips, potatoes au gratin (because Robin didn't think she'd like potato salad), green and black olives, three kinds of bratwurst that Denis cooked on the grill with two kinds of buns, watermelon, and little pudding tarts that Meg made, complete with strawberries and blueberries to make them festive. 

After dinner, it was time to head for the park.  (Grandpa Phil opted not to go with us, due to asthma-related problems with air quality.)  Robin desperately wanted to walk there (which we used to do before Grandma Peggy's back got so bad and Grandma Judy's knee was replaced).  God bless Denis, he agreed to take them there on foot!  Megan drove Judy and I to the west entrance of the park near the bandshell so we didn't have much of a walk.  We hooked up with Denis and the children, at one point, and enjoyed the "oldies" music that was coming from The Knightsmen.  As the sun went down, so did the temps a little.  As long as we were holding still, it wasn't so unbearable.  We brought out the glow-sticks at dark and enjoyed the fireworks.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!

I think Judy and I were the only complainers, but the music that was piped in during the fireworks display wasn't the patriotic stuff.  (I've already written to the Powers That Be about that.)  In the traffic jam on the way home, we took care of it!  Denis plied his phone magic, typing in what we wanted to hear, and it came through the car radio.  "Stars and Stripes Forever", "Washington Post March", and another...I forget.  At least we got our fix!  We drove Judy home and came home ourselves. 

Once home, we retired to the patio to do sparklers.  Megan took pictures.  Sparklers ain't what they used to be when I was a kid, but they are sure better than nothing.  For at least 20 minutes after we got back, there were sirens everywhere.  I was concerned that there were fires or something, but Megan noticed that one of the passing fire trucks was from Avon, IN...going home in a blaze of Fourth of July glory!  I was happy just to sit and watch my family enjoy what was left of the day.  When the sparklers were gone, we came in for ice cream and bed.  Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, it was LATE.  Still, I am so happy we had as good a time as we did, considering how desperately hot it was.

A couple of days later, we actually melted chocolate chips in the sun in order to make "puppy chow"...and fried an egg or two in the sun, as an experiment.  The choc chips were easy...the eggs took a little more...but at least Robin got it. 

In some respects, I think Denis took the brunt of the Fourth, since he was the one who walked to the park with the children in the heat...he was the one to cook the brats on the grill in the heat...he is the one who faithfully does his "insanity" workout, no matter what.  Still, I hope he had fun.  When this fellow achieves American citizenship, I think we need to throw a helluva party!