My Christian Journey

With the passing of my son-in-law's grandmother, the father of several former students, and the father of a current student at our school...along with my brother's untimely death at the very end of 2005, my faith is challenged.  All of which causes me to wonder about my faith!

All of my life, I have gone to church alone.  As a primary school student in Danville, IL, I went to the Central Christian Church with my friend's family, and was baptized there in third or fourth grade.  Then we moved to Japan, and there was no church to go to there.  When my family finally settled in the western suburb of Chicago--Oak Park--I started attending the First Methodist Church there with another friend.  I sang in the youth choir at the 8:00 AM service, walking the distance from my house to there alone; I became president of our youth group in high school.  My family rarely attended.  My parents--mostly my mother--were Christian, but unchurched. 

When I was married the first time, it was in St. Stephen's Roman Catholic Church in Des Plaines, IL.  My husband's family was steeped in Catholicism, his grandparents coming from the Old Country (Belgium).  They were good people and good to me.  I took catechism and tried desperately to embrace Catholicism...but my husband was burned out on it, having been through 14 years of Catholic education.  In short order, he started attending Methodist services with me in Normal, IL--one each week, a particularly significant service to me. 

Then the bottom fell out of our marriage when he had an emotional breakdown (that had nothing to do with me).  Prior to this, I was religiously pure.  I prayed in my mind constantly.  Any impure thought would be banished from my mind, and everything I did was dedicated to God.  I dedicated my voice to singing God's praises and lived as I thought He wanted me to...

Then the challenges came.  Something immoral presented itself, and I didn't resist.  I was young and needy, and I thought what I had was ordained by God.  What fools we are when we are young!  I remarried and had a child (more than 9 months later!)...and it turned out that my husband had no desire to attend church with me...so once again, I went alone.  I sang in the choir and even was Youth Director for a year.  And then we moved to Indiana a mere two years after my mother's death.  It was ahorrible time.

Still, I felt that God was with us.  There were enormous challenges to overcome just to get here, but the road was smoothed ahead of us.  I established myself with the Cloverdale United Methodist Church.  Once again, I attended church alone.  My husband, principal of the local jr-sr high school couldn't be bothered, and Meg wasn't happy about going...so I just went by myself.  Before long, I was the choir director, just by nature of the fact that I was the only one who could read music!!

And then...my husband left our marriage for someone else.  He said I knew about it before it actually happened...but I expended an enormous amount of energy just trying to get him to talk about it.  I confided only in my pastor, but my husband thought I had blabbed to everyone.  In short order, I was being treated as if **he** were the offended party!  When it was time for me to leave Cloverdale due to the divorce, there were tears among my church friends and me.  I had no desire to go, but had no choice...

Meg and I moved to Plainfield, to a duplex right across the street from the Plainfield United Methodist Church.  I went to church alone...again...on a weekly basis.  I even joined the choir.  Seven months later, I bought a house (where I am now), but still maintained my status at the church.  Then my father became ill in IL.  I spent a lot of weekends there, so opted out of the choir...and my church attendance.  But I was still faithful.

Just prior to that, however, things happened to rob me of my faith that I have never been able to get back.  There was an attack on our school district by parents who didn't like OBE--Outcome Based Education--which is what has always been done, only without a label.  They were convinced that we were taking the New Age approach, against their Christian beliefs, and that we were brainwashing their children.  I was elected to a committee that met weekly from January to July, to help assuage the problems.  It was scary for awhile.  A local Baptist minister was behind the charge.  (He is now President of the Board of Education in our district.) 

During that time, I got a mailing meant for a previous owner of my house.  It was from the "Christian Coalition," requesting funds.  Their mission for the funds was to train people how to run for school boards.  Sound liberal. but bait and switch.  I was appalled!  Thereafter, I was ashamed to claim to be a Christian for fear I would be associated with that faction. 

I have never been able to get my unquestioning faith back.  I miss it, but I don't care about me anymore.  I just want it for my grandchildren--something for them to believe in.  Something greater than themselves so they can endure the hardships of life with some measure of assurance that they are taken care of by a power higher than themselves, no matter what. 

I am tentatively reaching out again.  Going back to church to look for what I need, with no promises. 

I am still a work in progress.  Praise God that He hasn't given up on me yet!