Although God blessed me with a great family and lots of energy and enthusiasm, He wasn't all that generous in the natural beauty department. I have spent all of my adult life trying to make up for what I lack in beauty attributes. I wear make-up. I style my thin hair as best I can to cover my scalp. (I gave up on coloring the gray because it just looks like gray hair that has been colored!) Over time, some battles just don't seem worth fighting...and it seems inordinately unfair to me that all three of the surgeries I have had in my life have been from the neck up. I have scars on my nose and face from skin cancers, and now a rather large scar on my head from brain surgery--and they all show!
I need to be grateful that I'm alive...and I am. But I do get discouraged about my appearance. The worst part of it all is that I know it will never get better because of my age. It hit me this morning that it doesn't matter. No one pays attention to the aging. If I wear crummy clothes (which I do) on an overweight body (which I have), no one really cares. I am excused from the scrutiny of others because I am old. And, in the end, I don't care either... People have had to see me at my absolute worse with this latest health scare, so my pride has been breeched.
I guess I have to decide where my bottom line is. Do I want to live out the rest of my life feeling like a frump, which is how I am perceived? Do I want more? Do I have the energy to play the game--and is there a reason for the game? Self-esteem? Self-acceptance has taken a turn for the worse in my case because it has caused me to accept less--largely because "less" is what I have been given to accept!
I think I need to go back to work. Too much time to be a drudge if I don't!
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