Emotions

Megan, if you are reading this, move on. I won't say anything you'll like.

I spent all day alone in my bedroom again, watching mindless television and giving myself permission to cry. I'm eating only a little better...mostly just so I can take my pills. I get hungry but can't choke stuff down. I'm not sure all of this stress is good for my diseased heart, but I just laugh at people who talk about "stress management". Yeah, right!

I have had a lot of personal talks with myself today, trying to work through the many emotions that I am dealing with right now: hurt, anger, fear, sadness, betrayal, and embarrassment, to name a few. There are other issues, but I can only handle one at a time. I will always love my daughter, but I don't like her very much right now, and I cannot tolerate the way I've been treated. Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you." If that is true (and I believe it is) then I have failed as a parent. I told Meg that if she gave up custody of the children (especially the way she did) that she would have to divorce me and find another place to live. She lowered her horns and bulldozed her way through, disregarding everyone but herself. She's on her own now. Her choice. I hope she knows what she is doing because this decision is irreversible. Thank God the children have a good father.

My thinking has been tainted by my raising. I was a Navy Brat. We moved a lot. I was ripped out of homes and schools on a regular basis. Had been enrolled in eight schools before 6th grade, but I always had my parents and my grandparents, together. Also, my mother (who had lost a child to a tragic accident) had sided with society that stigmatized mothers who gave up custody of their children. All I wanted, when I became a mother, was stability for my daughter. A couple of moves and a divorce changed that, but when I bought this little house-on-a-slab, I thought we had it all figured out. Then Meg and kids moved in. We remodeled. Now this.

Poor me? Yeah. Give me a little more time. I'm trying to rationalize something that is irrational. I am so thankful to all those who have propped me up in my grief. My daughter categorizes it as "dramatic". She simply doesn't get it... I have to let her go. She has already done that to me.