Two months into my retirement, I had a heart attack. There is no more helpless feeling than lying on your back in an ambulance, feeling your heart doing weird things, but being unable to control any of it. With the brain aneurysm, I was sick as a dog and looking for relief. With the heart attack, I felt helpless. The aneurysm was a once-in-a-lifetime event. The heart attack was life-altering. I walked through the grocery store a few days later realizing that there was nothing left for me to eat. Sodium. Cholesterol. Calories. Stuff. It was depressing. Still is.
A few weeks later, my life changed again. The life that my grandchildren and I had eked out with our new existance (my retirement) was ripped away from me without my understanding or permission. Custody of the children was given to their father, and I was to blame. (It's ever thus.) Once again, I am met with circumstances not in my control. I have worked my entire life to be something to somebody. Now, my own daughter avoids me. Can't control that. Can't control what is ahead in life. Can't control anything. 'Tis a pretty helpless feeling.
Met with my friend Phyllis this evening. She and I shared our mutual fears that if something happens, we have to figure out how to call 911 AND unlock the front door so that rescuers can gain admittance. Pretty scary, but a fact of life now. Dramatic? Yeah...until it happens. I miss my mommy.
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