Confessions

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today...the first since just post-heart attack. It's kind of like talking to one's pastor--confessing all of life's trials and missteps.

They were 30 minutes past the appointment time getting me into the exam room, but considering how much time Dr. Gill spent with me, I understood his late schedule. Dr. Gill is a good-looking young man who is warm and genuine and spends quite a bit of time explaining things to his patients (me). Here are the stats:

BP was 140/86. Borderline high, even with meds. He increased my meds for that.
Pulse was 76. Quite low for me!!!
LDL was 90. I was told that under 100 is good...HOWEVER, since I am "high risk"...having already had a heart attack...he wanted it to be 70. Another medicine change. Damn!
I confessed that I had had some major depression over the deal with my daughter and grandchildren. Told him that I was working through it and wasn't looking for happy pills, but he mentioned that heart patients usually have depression (without my mitigating circumstances) and tended to do better with medication. I'm still thinking about that. This was the first time that anyone in the health profession told me about the anger/depression that comes with a heart attack. I had to figure it out on my own...and then the other stuff happened.

When Dr. Gill asked me what was actually going on in my life, I fell apart. You have to understand that I am not a crier...I don't weep in front of people...but that barrier has been totally broken down over the past four months. It has come to the point that I don't even apologize anymore! I am to get back with him if my non-sleep situation, etc., doesn't get better. I've been so tired during the day. Even with the opportunity to nap, I can't. I try, but it doesn't work.

I confess that my weight hasn't gone down since the holidays... and I haven't exercised...and I have been terrible about eliminating salt from my diet. It bothers me a lot that I can walk down the aisles of the grocery store and find NOTHING that isn't laden with sodium.

So now, after today's appointment, I have to get real, as Dr. Phil would say. Major life changes don't work well when one is alone without much motivation. I guess my motivation needs to be just to stay alive a little longer...

Will that work?