Ugh...

Sometimes I think I must be the most miserable person on the planet.
I don't know who I am or what I want. Several times, I gave my life and my life's decisions over to people who betrayed me...my once-husband...my daughter...stupidly believing that what I THOUGHT was true was actually true. I feel like a victim in my own life...yet realize that I have unwittingly contributed to it. It ain't pretty. Since August, my goal has been to get through ONE day without crying. It hasn't happened yet! One day! Is that so much to ask??

I am trying to make sense out of my daily existence. Sounds good to have a clean house...but for what? Who is here to care? What does my focus need to be? I've only been on this quest for a few months, so I am still a work in progress.

Two souls were lost to me this week. One was a friend who had a massive heart attack and was in a coma for weeks. When the family "pulled the plug" on her, she lingered for another couple of weeks. I am again reminded of my own mortality, but with my only child so far away, it will be a lonely process.

So sorry to post so sad. I keep my mortal purpose focused on cleaning the kitchen and the rest of the house. The question is, for what? Everything that I have worked so hard for in the last 18 years will go to the highest bidder when I am gone. Does it really matter to have a clean house??