Another Lovely Day!

Once again, I was awake for good in the middle of the night. My body has decided that five hours of sleep is enough, I guess. I don't even get weary during the day, usually. Go figure!

My mother tried to prepare me for motherhood, but she never prepared me for old age except to say, "It's hell to get old". She was right; it is. There are a zillion "Maxine" jokes out there, but it really is demoralizing to find oneself in the throes of undignified existence.

Okay...here is my reality. Laugh if you must, but it's not funny!!

1. If I cough or sneeze, I need to head for the bathroom. My "grip" isn't as good as it used to be. And since I no longer have any sense of smell, I don't know if I have an odor or not!

2. I love the water, but being in a pool in the summer isn't a good idea. Why, you might ask? Well, first of all, I now take medicine that says I will be "sensitive" to the sun. (I take that to mean that I will sunburn easier.) Then there is the fact that swimming requires a swimming suit that would expose sagging/fat body parts...and the fact that I have to wear a hat. WHY do I have to wear a hat? Because my hair is so thin that my scalp gets burned. If the sun filters through my hair, one can see right through to my scalp and I look bald (which I basically am). The scar from the craniotomy didn't help that. Hard to cover the scar with so little hair. And once I put a hat on, I can't take it off because my hair is smashed flat until the next time I can wash/style it. Oh...there is also the fact that I have had two skin cancers on my face and lots of wrinkles. I've been warned that I have "that" type of skin. I love the sun, but it doesn't love me!

3. My "girls" aren't quite as low as my waistline yet, but that's only because I don't have a waistline! (Never have. I'm just built that way.) Finding an underwear fix is a joke. There is nothing out there that can "lift and separate" big saggy blobs! (I find this only minorly amusing. Before my daughter came along, I had no breasts. Two prunes on an ironing board. Now this!)

4. Before I retired from teaching, my students were getting tattoos on their ankles, etc. Over the last ten years, nature has provided me with my own tattoos. My right leg is so full of spider veins and varicosities that I don't like to expose my legs anymore. Looks just like bad tattoos! Ugh!

5. Why is it that what God took off my head, he provided on my lip and chin? Every day...EVERY day...I do Whisker Patrol. Over the last few years, I have done everything from bleaching, waxing, plucking, and shaving. None of that guarantees success. I have already alerted my daughter that, when I am on my death bed and people are visiting, she needs to tell me where the whiskers are that I missed!

6. Skin "thingies" are all over my bod. Tags, mole, pappilomas...you name it, I have it. One nasty-looking cosmetic deal on the lashline of one of my eyes has been removed three times now. And just when I thought I looked okay, another "thingie" popped up on the bridge of my nose. There is no end to this!

7. I've lost enough weight that I can now bend over and pick up stuff without losing my wind, but it hasn't always been that way. I still have to pull my legs up with my hands to put on my shoes and socks...and I step into my underwear by holding onto surfaces first. In the mornings, I have to balance myself before I start walking, and it takes a few minutes before my eyes wake up.

8. Speaking of eyes, I get totally frustrated sometimes because I can't see well in dim light and need my glasses to do most anything that has to do with detail. OH! And then there is the hearing deal. My right ear has been problematic for years. I've had tubes put in it twice, but the last time, the ear plugged up before the tube even came out. A doctor told me that the eardrum was shriveled up. Have I done anything about it? No. Why? Because between the ruptured aneurysm and the heart attack, I've had more medical bills than I can handle. A couple of weeks ago, I had two teeth pulled. Haven't even BEGUN to look at what it will take to restore chewing surfaces yet! Then there is the yeast infection I got from taking the antibiotics for the tooth thing. Geez...

Have I missed anything? Probably. I haven't mentioned how hard it is to get up off the floor when I have to get down there to do things. I didn't mention that every little pain, cough, or palpitation scares me because I am alone. I haven't mentioned that I put a plan in place if the grandchildren are here and something goes wrong. Have I done enough? No!

Are you still laughing? Keep it up! YOUR turn will come! HAHAHAHAHA!
God bless.