Perspective

I had to chuckle at an email that my sister sent me today. She was at her grandson's baptism this morning, and it brought back memories of her own baptism, and family...and she ended up weeping in the service, with no tissues. I had to inform her that Rule #1 for me is: Never go to church services without tissues! It is a rare Sunday that I don't cry, at some point in the service. It's worse the older I get. I think when we get older, we are reminded of the things we have lost...or will lose soon...and all that is left is emotion. Go figure.

I was watching The Bridges of Madison County on television today. I read the book many years ago but didn't like the way it ended, so I never saw the movie when it came out. Still, I consider Meryl Streep America's finest actress, so when it came on TV today, I decided to give it a go. What a sappy, drawn-out tearjerker that turned out to be! It was depressing, actually...but, naturally, I cried. (I mean, I was supposed to, right?) The synopsis is that Francesca, an unfulfilled Midwest farmer's wife, has a 4-day fling with a photographer (Clint Eastwood) who is on assignment to shoot covered bridges in the area. All of this happens while her husband and two teen-age kids are off to a fair, showing livestock, or something. The affair shows her real passion and raison d'etre, but when she is invited to run off with the photographer, she knows it isn't something she can do. All she is left with is a locked trunk full of memories and a million what-if's. Her husband never knew of the affair. On his deathbed, he apoligizes to her for not being able to help her realize her dreams in life. And that's the part that got to me.

I got to thinking about MY dreams in life...and I realized that I didn't really have any. As a young lady, I wanted to be a homemaker like my mother...to have kids and raise them to be happy and independent. I didn't sit down and say, "Gee, my dream is to live out my old age alone and without funds." But that is my reality.

After my divorce, I had to switch gears and finish raising my daughter. Of course, that was twenty years ago. I was younger, healthier, and more attractive in those days, so there was no problem putting my own life on hold in order to do that. Before long, Megan was of dating age, and I figured out that she and I were in somewhat the same stage of life: looking for love and hoping for the best. I consciously decided not to traipse men into my life so as not to encourage competition and/or resentment. I had friends, but even I could tell that no man in his right mind was going to be able to accept my relationship with my daughter (and later, grandchildren). And I would resent anything less. I had become independent and did not want to become involved with anyone who might require something of me that I was not willing to give. And I certainly wasn't equipped to accept anyone being nice to me! I simply forgot to put myself back on the list of my own priorities...

Over the years, I have had people admire my "strength" and independence. Well...guess what? I didn't choose that. It was forced on me! I would have LOVED to have a spouse who respected and took care of me...but he didn't. When he left our marriage for another woman, I filled in the gaps as best I could. I've made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I am what I am. A couple of weeks ago, my former son-in-law's wife asked me if I was even interested in being married again. I had to think about that. No, I really don't want the responsibility. I don't want to be needed, and I'm not needy. My response to her was that I would like companionship, but my life consists of reality. What little I have, I have fought hard to keep. How can I change that?

I think I've done a poor job of writing how all of this ties together in my mind, but it does. We make choices in life and have to live with the consequences decades later. We are who we are, and our circumstances at any given moment define the future. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. My sister faces the fight of a lifetime now, with her husband's diagnosis and disease. It's obvious to me that, although she has a haven here, she can't leave him alone for any length of time...and that's what she needs to do for her own sanity! I wish I had all of the answers. It's hell to gt old!

In one week, I will be collecting the grandchildren and packing for California and the trek back to the Midwest. So much to do and so little time! Why do I continue to waste my days sitting in front of the computer and TV????????