The Human Psyche

Dr. Phil is always "telling it like it is" and advising people on his show to "get real". Know why that's not possible? The human mind cannot compute things that are too awful to contemplate. We lie to ourselves. Our brains can only handle so much; hence the reason that we only use a fraction of it.

My parents lost a child before I was born...an adorable toddler who died in a tragic accident in her crib. When I became a mother, I wondered how my family got through that awful time. My mother replied, "I put it away in my brain and don't think about it until it is safe to do so." Brain trick.

It's like when the power goes out in a storm. Nothing works, yet you flip the light switch anyway. Brain malfunction.

There is the man who shoots and kills an abortion doctor because he is against the taking of human lives. Huh?? Brain disconnect.

Then there is the filter through which we see ourselves. I remember me the way I used to look. Then I see recent photographs and realize that my mind has been photoshopping the images. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't have that photoshop! Brain wearing rose-colored glasses.

For the last 24 hours, I have been dealing with emotions that I have, but don't have a RIGHT to have. It creates brain chaos. I feel this way but I'm not justified, so what am I to do? Let's see if I can clarify...

When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who was very possessive and jealous. I never did anything to cause him to be that way. In those days, the girls were locked in the segregated dorms at 10:30 every night, while the guys could come and go as they pleased. I was president of the 15th floor. One night, the guys decided to have a panty-raid. They were standing outside on the street, chanting for panties to be thrown down to them. The dorm director had ordered all of the dorm residents to the internal lounge, away from the windows...and, as president, I had to take attendance to make sure everyone was there. (This was an effort to keep the boys safe and avert a riot down below.) My boyfriend's buddies knew how possessive he was and told him that they had been thrown a pair of my panties with my name in them. When the raid was over, he was on the phone with me, reading me the riot act. When I'd finally had enough, I informed him that I wasn't anywhere near a window because of the edict by the dorm director, that my underwear didn't have my name in them, and that I wouldn't have thrown any down because I couldn't afford to part with any of my undies! Still, it made me crazy, and he never apologized for being stupid.

Another time, my then-husband started stealing my clothes, etc., to give to his mistress. He didn't admit to it, but his logic was that I wasn't using it...and since he had given it to me...it should be his to disburse as he wanted. (She probably didn't know it was my stuff. I know I would not have wanted something that came from another woman in my relationships.) One of the things he took was a green windbreaker jacket. It just disappeared. Then, as things happened, I had occasion to visit with my stepdaughter who was spending Race Weekend in the mistress's apartment in Plainfield while my ex and mistress stayed at our old place in Cloverdale. I saw the green windbreaker hanging on a coat rack. I said, "That's mine. May I take it?" My stepdaughter told me to help myself. I took it back. A few days later, my ex called and was fishing around, trying to get me to admit that I had been in the apartment. Perhaps they noticed that the windbreaker was missed. Perhaps my stepdaughter said something. I don't know. But I took HIS approach to everything--I totally lied and stuck to it. He couldn't mention the windbreaker because to do that would be the same as admitting that he stole it in the first place. He also couldn't mention his daughter because doing that would put her on the spot. He was screwed by his own dishonesty. Although I never wore the windbreaker again, I kept it for many years before I sent it off to Goodwill. That whole thing was so amusing to me. It was a total "psych" event!

There were times when my daughter was a kid when she would accidentally step on my foot. I would cry out in pain...and she would snarl at me for doing so. Like it was MY fault that she stepped on my foot...like it should NOT have hurt...like I should have known that she didn't do it on purpose and was guilty of making her feel bad. See how the human brain works??

My bro-in-law has been diagnosed with a type of dementia. This man--my sister's husband of 50 years--has always been a bit tough to deal with, emotionally, but he has been a kick-ass provider with a sharp business mind, now fading. His memory is affected, as are his emotions. This isn't one of those deals where a mere tweak of thinking via a counselor can help. This is pathology in action. He knows it is happening and is depressed by it. My sis is only just beginning to learn how tough it is for him...and for her. The more he forgets, the more he depends on her and wants to stay home and away from people...the more she needs to be out with people for support. Talk about twisted logic! Roger isn't so far gone that anyone on the outside would notice, but those of us who know him well can tell. I think the biggest mental hell is knowing what is happening to you and being helpless to do anything about it.

One of my dear friends is moving. Not far...just away. It's not my decision to make and I have no right to be upset by it...but I am. My heart tells me things that don't mesh with my brain. Brain? I have a brain?? Interesting!

I'm rambling. I wish I could count on my brain to tell me the truth and be true to what I believe, but minds lie. I don't think I am making any sense here...