Communication 101

Have you ever thought about how you communicate with your friends and loved ones?  You probably think you do well, but I'm here to tell you that you don't.

There are three facets to what you say to your people:  1) What you actually say, 2)  What you actually mean, and 3) What your intended audience hears.  For example, when your spouse says "Are you going to wear that shirt to the party?"  He/She really means, "It isn't acceptable for you to wear that shirt to the party."  What you hear is, "If you wear that shirt to the party, I will never forgive you."  Do you get it?

When my daughter was younger, her interpretation of what I said was similar to this.  I can remember a time or two when she told her friends that her mother would "kill" her for a certain behavior.  Yeah, right.  "I got yelled at for doing that" meant only that Mom didn't approve.  I never actually raised my voice or even made a big deal out of whatever it was she did.  (Maybe I should have!)

I was reminded of this during Thanksgiving weekend when the grandchildren were here.  I had bought multiple bags of candy that quickly disappeared with the children sneaking the pieces out of the kitchen.  The last bag had three pieces of Rolo candies in it.  I knew that Robin likes Rolos, so I asked (from the kitchen, where I was, to the living room, where Robin was), "Robin, are you the Rolo-eater in the family??"  That's what I said.  What I meant was, "There are three Rolos left.  Do you want them?"  What she heard was, "ARE YOU THE GUILTY PARTY THAT ATE MOST OF THE ROLOS?"  Robin's defensive response was that she ate Rolos but she wasn't the only one and hadn't eaten all of them.  My daughter and I looked at each other in amusement.  I had erred in my intended communication!  I corrected the communication and gave her the three remaining Rolos.  Sheesh!

My son-in-law has come to refer to a "Manslater"--something that Saturday Night Live touted as a handy tool for men to understand their wives.  We've laughed about it for a couple of years.  Denis, whose second language is English, is only just learning about the little nuances of communication in America.  In the meantime, as honest as I think I am in my efforts to make myself understood, I have figured out that even I get misinterpreted.

Life goes on!