Ah...retirement! That golden day when you get to say good-bye to the stresses of the workplace, hang up your uniform, turn in your keys (and your grade book, in my case), and focus your attention on the things you always said you would accomplish "when I retire". What a wonderful thought!
I retired at the end of the school year in 2009. A financial counselor had told me that I would do better for myself if I waited a couple of years before I did, but I was committed. My daughter and grandchildren lived with me then. Having a full-time person at home would take up some slack with the children. Then, too, there was my pension and eventual Social Security, plus my daughter's contribution to our family income that would make everything work just fine. I really, really thought so!
Shortly before I retired, my daughter asked me to be thinking about my grandest dreams about retirement. "What is the one thing that you have always wanted to do if you had the time to do it?" The question confused me. Like everyone else, I had desires. I've always loved to travel. Would love to see the ancient world in Europe: Rome, Egypt, the Holy Land...but there are so many things left to see in the US that I could scarcely think of it all. (I had traveled a lot as a child and younger adult. My wanderlust was mostly played out in favor of having roots--a home town and a home as a place to be that was all mine.) And I certainly would be unable to finance any of that. What was she suggesting? Did she think SHE would be able to provide it? I don't think so! But what puzzled me the most was that I couldn't actually come up with a single thing that I had always wanted that I could afford to do. It was like putting a child in a toy store and saying "Pick ONE thing you want, but you might not be able to get it". Why bother to think of it? I was quite happy to think of myself as a homemaker for my daughter and grandchildren. It worked for me!
Then the bottom fell out. Two months after I retired, I had a heart attack. Four months after I retired, my grandchildren's custody was given to their father and my daughter left (kicked out) to be with her new-found friend (with whom she moved to California and eventually married). Now what??
I guess I have always been a goal-oriented person. While I was still teaching, I often experienced what my mother called an emotion let-down over spring break or summer break. Without the rudder of deadlines, I floundered. When summer happened, it sometimes took weeks for me to get up the motivation to do things on my summer to-do list done. (I rarely ever accomplished half of the things on my list.) Now, in the absence of job, daughter, grandchildren, or any other reason to exist that used to matter, I was floored. And slowly, insidiously, my infirmities began to show up. Back problems have made me slow and unable to perform even the necessities. It ain't pretty!
Worse, I seem to lack the inspiration to do things. I have all the time in the world. You'd think my house would be spotless and my files would be organized beyond belief. Nope! The things that need to be done around my house have become a mountain that I seemingly can't climb. Why is that? I blame aloneness. I've always functioned better with someone to cheer me on. Thankfully, I have a helper, James, who shows up on a semi-regular basis and gives me a helping boost, but I still chide myself for not being strong enough or able enough to do what I think I need to do!!
I thank God that I retired when I did. Had I waited three more years, I would not have been able to function with all that happened in the aftermath. I have had some retirement adventures, not the least of which was a 19-day tour of the West at my daughter and son-in-law's expense as part of their return to the Midwest. Some of my bucket list things were accomplished on that trip...and others, since then. I wish I were rich. I wish I were well.
But you know what I am? Retired!
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