Picking one's battles isn't just a technique for parents. Sometimes, adults have to use the same methods in dealing with other adults. If you've never been initiated, here is the crucial question for anyone engaged in a power struggle with another person: Is the result worth the angst and hard feelings? Is it so important for you to be right that you are willing to sacrifice whatever peace there may be in order to have that righteousness for a few moments? "Picking your battles" means making a decision about whether or not the fight is worth the outcome.
There is also an expression that has to do with who will consider any decision harmful to him/her based on whether or not he/she has a stake in it. The rightness or wrongness of any decision has to do with perspective. In short: whose ox is gored?
For close to four weeks, I have had live-in help from Russia. These are my son-in-law's parents. When they arrived here, they only had a rental mobile home in Florida to look forward to for eight months, and it wouldn't be ready until April 1st. Staying with me was to be a stop-gap measure for them and a whole lot of help for me. Since then, they have actually purchased a different mobile home...an older one...which is ready for them now, but they haven't abandoned me. They are staying to help. I am so blessed!
There are, of course, problems here and there. And this is where I activate the "choosing battles" thing. We have a language barrier and a cultural barrier. Both tend to cause me to treat my Russian friends a bit like children when they are not. I forget that they have experience in the real world, even though it is not the American real world. They aren't stupid, but they are ignorant of some things, in the purest sense of the word. They just don't know. Makes a difference!
One of the first issues I've had is in trying to convince Sergei that his car doesn't need an oil change right now. The car that he has was leased by my daughter and son-in-law for months prior to the Russian parents' arrival in the US, but Sergei and wife bought out the lease in early December. The last oil change he had was two weeks before the purchase, still under lease, and thus no charge to him. And when the service people put the sticker on the windshield--not knowing that he would be purchasing the vehicle-- it said, "next warranty service due March 1st". That told Sergei that the car needed "warranty service"--not a simple oil change--on March 1st, so a couple of days ago, I called a local Honda dealer to make an appointment for whatever warranty service they do. The Service Manager kept asking me what kind of problem they were having with the car. I said none...and that's when the SM and I determined that the "warranty service" consisted of an oil change, and that anyone can do it--not just a dealer. Sergei has confused the requirements of the former lease with actual warranty work. In short, since the car is no longer leased, the oil changes will be at his expense.
I've explained all of that, but he still doesn't get it. The oil was changed in the car on December 12th. Since then, it has only been driven around the neighborhood in the Chicago area, then to Indianapolis, but still hasn't reached the 3,000 mile recommendation. Furthermore, my daughter--who drove the car for months before the Russians even arrived in the US--tells me that the vehicle has a sensor that will flash a light on the dashboard when the oil is dirty and needs to be changed. I explained that, too. He says no. Either he doesn't believe me or doesn't understand.
On March 1st. Sergei announced that he would have to get the oil changed. I said it didn't need it yet. He pointed his finger in the air and said something about 7,000 miles...and I gave up. Bottom line? It's not my car. It's not my money. If he wants to get the oil changed before it needs to be done, so be it. Maybe someone else will have more luck making him understand!
Another battle, which I've already written about, has to do with the healthful nature of foods. After the one joking conversation we had about the fats that they (mostly Sergei) adds to food, we had another more serious discussion. This one, I think, annoyed Sergei. When I commented about the amount of fat that he added to his foods, he pointed out to me that it was okay to have two tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil every day. That's "good" fat. He told me that a doctor told him that. Of course, he failed to mention all of the fats in the cheeses and the butter and the sour cream and other cooking oils that he inhales as if they were water. It's as if the doctor told him that he SHOULD have two tablespoons of olive oil every day, rather than "up to" two tablespoons of the stuff. There is nothing that I can do to change his mind, so I gave up. This man is an adult. He reads food labels the same as I do. How he interprets them is quite something else! HOWEVER, it was pointed out to me that Sergei lost 100 pounds while still in Russia and since I've known him. I have lost NOTHING. Who is the joke on now??
Then there is the "blonds" issue. We've been painting the living room. All of the trim, including the bay window, has been white. The blinds ("blonds") that have been installed for well over 25 years, are beige, and very dirty. Since blinds aren't very expensive, it was my executive decision to trash the old ones and buy new in pure white. The Russians and I all went to Menard's to have some cut (after trips to both Walmart and Meijer to see if there were any stock sizes that would work). They didn't understand that blinds could be cut to custom sizes. Surprise! Anyway, we bought three to fit the bay window and went home. Guess what? I bought the wrong length! They are about 4"-5" too short! Because they were custom cut, I was pretty sure they couldn't be returned to the store, so I knew I was just going to have to absorb the $44 due to my own stupidity. That threw my Russian friends into apoplexy, however. They were all set just to wash the old ones and re-use them. I was just as set to get what I wanted. Thus, I headed to Menard's the next morning before my friends were even out of bed for three new sets of blinds--the right size, this time. I won! (Well, I won...unless you consider the fact that the blinds cost twice what they would have had I bothered to consider the length!)
And so it goes. There will be other battles to pick. I guess the outcome will be determined by whose ox is gored and who can outlast the others in stubbornness. Not much of a happy way to end battles, but better than losing friends!
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