Every once in awhile, I get asked this question. Actually, now that I am totally in the "senior" category, no one asks so much anymore, but I have asked it of myself quite often.
There is a short answer and a long answer, one very much simpler than the other. The short answer is: I never found anyone available that I thought I could bring into my life at any given moment. (The emphasis is important. I'll discuss that in my long answer. You knew I was going to talk about the long answer, didn't you??)
So what is the long answer? If it doesn't matter to you, stop reading now.
First of all, I was married (and divorced) twice. My first marriage only lasted five years and was childless. Thus, when the end of that relationship happened, my then-husband and I pretty much just shook hands and said good-bye. I moved on. So did he. On my part, no anger, no hurt...just "good luck to you". Not sure on his part, but I never talk about that relationship because there was nothing left to tie us together. I'm not ashamed of it nor tried to hide it from anyone. It was what it was--although I think I shocked my granddaughter about a year ago when she first got wind that Grandma had been married twice.
When I remarried, I was totally dedicated to that relationship. I was head-over-heels in love; made some emotional decisions in spite of red flags that were popping up...and because of those emotional decisions, decided that I could ignore the flags because so much of me was already invested in us. His past behavior be damned! It will be different for us, right? He won't do those things with me, right? Guess what? I was wrong. Our marriage was wrong. It began on shaky ground and didn't get better. Still, I hung on for 13 years.
We were somewhat okay in the beginning. What changed things was the advent of our daughter--his third child; my first. Then the struggle got real. I'll spare the gory details. Suffice it to say that I became a single parent even though married. I had no help with the child. No help at all.
When the inevitable split came, due to his un-admitted infidelity, although I had all of the hard evidence and he knew it, our daughter and I moved to Plainfield (from Cloverdale). We began our new lives as single women. I was instantly aware that my ex would take care of himself. Period. It then became my job to take care of myself and our child, and to keep him honest. (That's a full time job!) At the time of our divorce, Meg was 12. A mature 12.
At that time, I had been out of circulation for probably what amounts to 25 years. I had no doubt that I could get back out there, when the spirit moved me, to find someone with which to share my life. Oh, what a dreamer I was! I blocked virtually every opportunity I had because...well...I wasn't ready. I had a new home to establish...new household rules...new routines to figure out...and a hormonal teen. I was acutely aware that she and I were in the same situation. I was preaching morals and precepts to her, all the while understanding that she was watching me to see what I was doing in my own life.
I knew that any serious relationship I had would be subject to criticism from my daughter, for one, and my Significant Other, for another. I knew that she and I had developed a tight relationship that could make her jealous or him jealous, unless I found someone who truly cared for both of us. I simply could not accept someone who demanded more of me than what I felt I could give. My experience in past relationships let me know that I always became a caregiver, even when I should have been expecting others to care for me, somewhat. I was 100% dedicated to getting my kid through high school and college. I was a Show Choir Mom. I struggled to keep her in vehicles when she was able to drive. I did a lot of the denial things with her that I did with my marriage, but for a different reason.
At one time, I was drinking heavily to mask my pain post-divorce. I probably embarrassed my kid a time or two, but (I think) we got through that. Not sure.
After I became an amateur radio operator (1997), I had no end of male friends--most of them married. I had a whole cadre of guys to rely on to help me get through house repairs, etc. God love them all! Still, it seeped into my brain over time that I wasn't going to find Mr. Right. And honestly, I gave up. I didn't even recognize opportunities when they presented themselves.
I wish I had a nickel for every divorced or widowed woman who said they would never remarry. It is NOT the mark of a good marriage for women to say this. If a woman lives a happy marriage, she is most likely willing to try again. If she has been sucked dry by her marriage, she is likely to say (as I have), never again.
And that is the long answer. I'm happy that my ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with. (Bad grammar.) Do I wish to put myself back in the fray of marriage? No. Not again. Not for any reason. Not sure anyone would have me, anyway! I get lonely sometimes, but when I think about the other ramifications of marriage, I realize that I'm done with all of that. Done, do you hear me? Done! :)
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