Living Vicariously

Since age 32, when my daughter was born, there was nothing I wouldn't do for that child.  Her father didn't turn out to be much of a support system, so even when I was married, I was a single parent.  I did everything I could do to be both parents for my kid.  A lot of years have gone over the dam and under the bridge since then, but I still feel connected.  When my grandchildren were born, my entire world changed.  You think being a parent is emotionally consuming?  Nope.  Not even close to grandparenting!  I would die for my grandchildren, and I would die without them.  That's just the way it is.

The family history has many twists and turns.  My daughter and grandchildren now live in the Pacific Northwest, far far away from Grandma...and it kills me.  The questions I want to ask and the stories I want to hear I only get second-hand, and then only when it is convenient for my busy daughter to check in.  I get it.  I cared for an aging parent once.  But there is still something in me that longs to hear, "Mom, I miss you.  When can you come to visit?"  I long ago gave up the idea that she will ever again come here until I pass on.

My daughter and husband are now in a different place.  My child, who used to camp as a child but decided later in life that there were too many bugs for outside activities, has now returned to embracing nature in her beautiful environs.  I feel bad because there just aren't any "beautiful environs" where I live, but it's home.  It's my home, and it was once HER home.  I now just feel sort of left out--which is funny because she isn't doing anything I didn't do or wouldn't have done to make life good for her.

There are SO many parents in the world whose children have moved away from home at great distances.  Why can't I adjust?  I keep trying.  I just get so lonely for my kid and the family, it's stupid.  It's not that I don't have enough to do...

I hope all is well for my kiddos and my other family.  I'm not giving up yet.