Some things that I've observed about grief situations:
1. It is not uncommon for the bereaved to end up comforting others who are supposed to be doing the comforting. The phenomenon has something to do with the attitude of the one who has lost a loved one. We go to do something or say something to try to help the one who is grieving, hoping beyond hope that he/she isn't simply a pool of blubbering flesh. We don't know what to do, in that case. And when they seem to be holding up, we are relieved...refreshed, even...to be able to say that we went to visit and all seems well. Truth is, all is NOT well, but in our efforts to navigate the mine fields of grief situations, we tiptoe carefully, and when the survivors seem to be sane and dealing with things in public, we sigh, but we leave encouraged. What we don't understand is that people who are in the early stages of loss are often numb. They are functioning on auto-pilot, just getting through each day because they have to, not because they feel confident that they can.
2. It is often quite difficult for those who are grieving to ask for help. This is particularly true of people who have lost loved ones suddenly or unexpectedly. They have, up to now, lived their lives independent of needing others to supply anything to them. They now feel weak, vulnerable, and wondering what will become of them without the person they lost. Even those whose loved ones passed after a long and protracted battle for life are left questioning themselves. "I have to do this alone now. I should be able to handle this because I've known the end was coming...yet I feel so unprepared." Asking for help only affirms their fears that they can't handle things by themselves. They can. They just can't grasp it yet.
3. Everyone comes rushing to help in the beginning...and then...after the funeral is over and the dust has settled, they slowly begin to disappear into the mist. That's when the grief gets rough. "I have all of these bills. The family income has gone way down. I have these kids to feed, but the lawn needs to be mowed and the floors are dirty, and I am too emotionally exhausted to handle it all." Yeah...that.
4. Anyone of any age at all has lost someone to the inevitable fate of death. Those trying to comfort those who mourn find themselves recalling their own feelings when their loved one died. We share those times in an effort to let the bereaved understand that we are with them in spirit. I'm not certain it is always helpful, but it is normal.
5. People who are grieving are in emotional pain that can also affect the physical body. Emotional pain hurts. We want it to go away as soon as possible so we can function normally once again. We seek one day without crying...one day without aching...one day when we can actually laugh again and forget all of that nasty grief stuff...but it hangs on. We draw lines in the sand, hoping or expecting that tomorrow will be better. And when it isn't, we get impatient with ourselves. We spank ourselves for not getting well sooner, or (conversely) spank ourselves for daring to have a moment of happiness when the loves of our life have died. How DARE I smile? How DARE I not carry on as if all is well?
6. Not knowing what to say to someone who is bereft is an awful burden. What if I say something that reminds him/her how hurt he/she is? What if I say something that makes things worse? How should I handle this?? I have a list of things that we say that I consider offensive even if well-intended.
A. "You have my thoughts and prayers." Great. It is comforting to know that people are thinking of you and praying for you--but no amount of thinking or praying is going to change your reality. Maybe it's better just to express the truth. "I can only imagine how much you must hurt." Or "My heart is with you now and always." Or "I'll be over tomorrow from 2:00-4:00 to watch the kids so you can take a nap. Let me know if it won't work for you."
B. "He/She is in a better place." I particularly hate this one. Better for whom? I'm pretty sure the one who died wasn't particularly happy to do so; I'm positive that the ones left behind would have preferred another outcome! The "better place" thing sounds religious and assumes that the deceased lived a saintly life. No one does! Having an "angel" watching over us sounds attractive, but maybe we'd rather have the angel in person on earth!
C. "Everything will get better in time." While this is true to a degree, it seems to me like telling a child whose puppy just died, "Don't worry. We'll get another puppy." The raw grief that we feel doesn't ever go away. It gets put in another part of the brain, in time, to be taken out only when we feel safe enough to do so. I've seen it. I've lived it.
7. Grief is not reserved just for those who have experienced a death in their lives. It also happens with divorces, betrayals, and personal hurts that come at a level so deep that we can't always talk about them. I'm not speaking about someone who merely gossips about you. I'm talking about something that happens that hits you to the very core of who you are. Situations in which you were so emotionally invested that someone unilaterally changing the relationship rules throws you into an emotional tailspin over a long period of time. As surely as you will experience grief due to a death, you will also experience one or more of these. Not if, but when. Prepare your heart.
I am writing all of this because yet another of my friends has lost a loved one. Her wife died, suddenly, while being treated for throat cancer. (Yes, I said HER wife.) They had kids together. The funeral was today. I notice that my friend seems impatient with herself because things aren't getting any easier yet. Holy Moses...it is waaaay to early for her to be ready for things to get easier. She has a long row to hoe, and she needs to give herself permission to grieve. If she doesn't, it will follow her for years. (Hint, hint, to my niece Lynn.)
I ache for the grieving and hope for the best. It is the unfortunate part of life. We are assured the "pursuit of happiness" by the Constitution. Doesn't mean we will always get it.
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