As Others See Us

"Oh would some power the gift give us,/ To see ourselves as others see us."
                                      ~Robert Burns, in his poem "To a Louse".

You know what a louse is, right?  It's the singular of lice.  A vermin that preys on the heads of people--mostly children--that causes us to feel unclean.  The poet was sitting in church and noticed a louse on the head of the woman in front of him, and what resulted was a whole poem about the vermin's place in the world, and how horrified that woman would be had she known.  

In all my years of teaching literature, my excuse for doing so was that students could take a single line or theme of literature with them in life.  This is one of those lines.  We live our lives the way we think is best but can be blindsided by the sometimes sudden revelation that others don't think of us the way we think of ourselves.

Once upon a time, in a land not far away but long ago--early 90s--my ex-spouse and I were on the phone debating his financial responsibility for our daughter's college expenses.  It wasn't going well.  He considered his new spouse's benefit of 50% off tuition since she worked for the university complex to be his share.  In short, he had contributed his 50% via a gratuitous situation.  I, however, had to pay the other 50% out of pocket.  At one point in the conversation, he told me that he was just "a nice guy".  Considering that he had cheated on me (with his new wife), lied to me, and stolen from me--all the while maintaining that he should be a role model for young folks in his job as a school administrator--I saw red.  In response to his "nice guy" statement, I blurted, "THAT is a matter of opinion!"--and hung up the phone.

I have no idea if my words had any impact on him.  I doubt it because he has a different opinion about himself, in spite of his behavior.  I, however, understand that people often don't see us the way we see ourselves.  And sometimes, it hurts.

I am frequently surprised to see myself in the eyes of my only child--my daughter.  We get along at a distance, but face-to-face encounters can sometimes be less than satisfactory.  I can make what I think is an innocuous statement, and she quickly corrects it.  It happens so much that I finally mentioned it to her.  "You correct everything I say."  Her response?  "Not everything!"  I rest my case.

So what is my take-away from this?  WHY does my child think I could be anything other than on her side in any given situation?  I was against her in her adult years once.  Once.  In 2009.  We are still dealing with it, but I have trouble believing that she could ever think that I haven't been supportive of her.  I have begun to figure out that she doesn't see me in the same light that I see myself.  What do I need to do to change that????

When one gets to old age, such as me--70--one understands that people assume situations can't change.  "Set it their ways"--or so the story goes.  Wrong!  I change every day.  I love "bigly" every day and pray for mercy and kindness every day.  I don't care what others think of me.  I just care how those that I love consider me.  I don't have too many regrets, thankfully.  I just keep on trying to be a better person, as others see me.