Distant Land

Feeling lost tonight.
I'm sitting in front of my computer, crying, and I don't know why.
It's not the usual little sniffle or two that happens once in awhile.  This is what Oprah Winfrey calls the "ugly cry"--the one that doesn't stop and leaves me sobbing.
I wish I could explain what's going on with me.  If I knew, I would surely write it down.  I think I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I have never been much of a weeper.  Oh--I cry, but usually not in front of people.  I began to think I was hard-boiled, but I discovered over the years that I come from a long line of strong women who refused to give in to emotion when there were things to be done.  "Take care of this first.  Cry later."  Thus, I have often held my sadness inside.  I had to because if I ever gave myself the luxury of letting it out, I would be in the situation in which I find myself tonight.  The floodgates open and all the sorrows of the world that have been held back come gushing forth.  I cry for myself, for the abused, the sick, the old, the poor...for the way things are and the way things should be...for dashed dreams and lost youth...for loneliness and past hurts and frustrations.  It's all there; a whole lifetime of tears coming out all at once.

What was my trigger this evening?  My daughter posted a video of their church choir's performance of a song called Distant Land.  My granddaughter is part of that choir.   It was a lovely song, so I looked it up on YouTube to get a better idea of the words.  I found out it was composed by John Rutter whose other works I love.  I also found out that the song was created after the Berlin Wall came down and after Nelson Mandela was released from prison.  And then I saw the lyrics.  In a beautiful melody, the words express a longing, a yearning for peace and brotherhood, with the hope that someday it can happen--absolutely the antithesis of what is going on in the world today with politics and religious zeal and angry, insulting voices.  And that's when the sorrow hit me.  Life isn't supposed to be the way it is.  We weren't intended to be at war with one another.  We are on earth to help each other get through this life, but we aren't doing it.

Listen to the song as you read the lyrics, then tell me it doesn't make you weep, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SVu6rgW7pI

I see a distant land: it shines so clear. 
Sometimes it seems so far, sometimes so near. 
Come, join together, take the dusty road; 
Help one another: share the heavy load. 

The journey may be long: no end in sight; 
There may be hills to climb, or giants to fight: 
But if you’ll take my hand, we’ll walk together t’ward the land of freedom. 
Freedom.

I hear a distant song: it fills the air. 
I hear it, deep and strong, rise up in prayer: 
Lord, we are many; help us to be one. 
Heal our divisions: Let thy will be done. 

I know the time will come when war will cease: 
A time of truth and love, a time of peace. 
The people cry, ‘How long till all the world can join the song of freedom.’
Freedom.

I touch a distant hand and feel its glow, 
The hand I thought was there: at last I know. 
Swords into ploughshares: can it all come true? 
Friends out of strangers: start with me and you. 

I see another time, another place 
Where we can all be one, one human race. 
The walls will melt away, we’ll come together on the day of freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom. 

So now it's time for bed.  I'll be facing a busy day tomorrow with puffy eyes, praying that the land of peace will not be so distant.