De-Constructing a Home

With apologies to the writers of The Declaration of Independence:

Sometimes in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the physical bands which have connected them to others in order to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle him/her in order to have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

My body is in Indiana, but my heart is in Illinois right now as my sister endeavors to put her beautiful house in the country outside of Springfield on the market to sell.  Why?  After being widowed for about three years, she now has an also-widowed companion, and they have decided to make a life together in Missouri, where he lives.  Their plan is for her to sell her home and move to MO, and then for him to sell HIS home while they find a place that is "theirs", rather than his or hers.  No biggie, right?  Wrong!

Both my sister (Shari) and the new love of her life (Jim) were in long-term marriages before their spouses passed.  We are talking well over 50 years each here.  And this is how life works:

1.  When you become a married adult and "go to housekeeping" (as my mother-in-law put it), you establish a home.  You acquire "stuff".

2.  When children arrive to the marriage, traditions are established.  "Home" takes on a new meaning--not just for you, but for the children, as well.  With children comes more "stuff".  More furniture.  More equipment.  Toys, and all of the claptrap that goes along with raising a family.
 
3.  When your grandparents die, your parents incorporate the family treasures as their belongings.  And then when your parents die, you incorporate the treasures of your grandparents as well as your parents.  And, of course, you have your own "stuff" at home to make it all happen.  You combine Your Stuff with Their Stuff to try to make it all work.

4.  At a certain age, your children grow up and leave your nest to begin their own lives.  They don't always take everything with them.  You end up storing it until they are ready, hoping that they WILL be ready, someday.

5.  At another certain age, your home is full-to-overflowing with stuff.  You already have everything you need and most of the things you want.  Holidays and gift-giving occasions come, and--lacking the funds to give you much in remembrance of the day--your kids start giving you "things" to go along with your "stuff".  Daddy really liked that stuffed moose that he got last year, so we'll get him another.  Mom has a collection of owl figurines.  How about another owl figurine?   In the end, you have a huge collection of things that you just don't feel that you can throw away because they meant something to the people who gave them.  If a little is good, a lot is better...right?
 
6.  And then you fall in love again and make plans to move and pare down.  You have to make choices:  Keep, Pitch, Donate.  Someone will be offended when the stuffed animal they gave is tossed in the donate pile.  Someone will be offended when someone else was given something they had hoped to get.  Yet another someone will be jealous when another family member is given the authority to get things done.  Trust me:  it happens in every family, no matter how close everyone thinks they are!

Shari's plan was to get the house on the market by the end of September.  Then life got in the way.  She spent the better part of two months in MO because Jim fell and required serious knee surgery, and Shari did what I would have done: she stayed to help take care of him because he was largely immobile.  That meant she wasn't at home in order to direct packing.  She assigned packing chores to family.  Her last email to me just before she left for IL was that the house was "pretty much packed up".  When I arrived last Saturday, I found that the house wasn't anywhere close to being packed up!  Most pictures were off the walls, and many knicknacks were packed, but she hadn't been there to decide what to keep, what to pitch, and what to donate.  Ugh!  Then, too, she and Jim had a planned trip to Colorado this month, so she will be gone even more.

I visited and stayed for the better part of four days.  Unfortunately, I couldn't be of much help except to supply moral support and a little supervision for the family that gathers the instant she comes home.  To be totally honest, I was overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed FOR HER.  She didn't seem the least bit flapped, which is why I kept trying to bring her feet back down to the floor.  I hate having to be the realist in all of this.  It could all be done in an instant if they had thousands of dollars to hire packers, etc....and there will be some of that...but Shari has to be there to direct even that.  I have expressed to her and her feller that de-constructing that home, that house, is going to take more time than either of them ever thought.  Fifty-five-odd-years of accumulated stuff than means nothing on the market.

Of course, I came home with a new perspective on my own digs.  I don't have nearly as much "stuff" as my sister does because my house is smaller and I am poorer.  Still, I am at the point at which I have to say that nothing more can come in until something goes out.  And how many of the "things" that I am keeping are here just because I think they might mean something to someone, someday?  Time to dig deep and do the cleanout before I die and my only child is stuck doing it via long distance!

De-constructing a home isn't the same as demolishing it.  The house will be gone, but the family relationships will still remain, although different than what used to be.  Some people will get it.  Some never will.  They are the ones that would like for things to stay the same forever.  The older I get, the more I wish that things would stay the same, but I am changing daily.  It ain't that easy, folks!  If my sister can have a new life this late in years, I'm all for it.  I just want her to understand--which I think she does--that "things" aren't what it's all about.  Now time for her family to figure that out, too!