After church and meals and general hullabaloo, I drove the grandchildren home to Muncie. They slept practically all the way. They were tired babies! They seemed genuinely happy to be home and excited to see Mommy and Daddy...and Mommy and Daddy seemed genuinely glad to see them. Happy ending to an exciting weekend. So, why am I crying?
The answer: I wish I knew! Traffic was light, round trip. I talked on the .700 repeater both ways, so I had company along the way. The dog was happy to see me. Dead tired, I walked into my quiet little house--and burst into tears.
I am not a weeper. (I could explain why, but it would take too much time and space for anyone to get it, if even then.) I do not allow myself the luxury of self-pity or tears, generally. If I get to the point of tears, the weight of the world comes crashing down, and I have trouble getting control again. I couldn't wait to get back to my solitary life this evening, but I missed my grandchildren the minute I walked in the door! They are so cute and so open and honest, but they are exhausting for an old lady! I'm sorry that I can't be everything my family needs me to be. I'm sorry that I can't help my daughter more. I'm sorry that being with the grandchildren is so labor intensive that it takes TWO sets of grandparents to tame the toddler beast within them. I"m sorry that little Ryan didn't get to ride in Grandpa's big blue truck. I'm sorry that I run full tilt only to stay in one place, spinning wheels because I am too busy to be lonely, and too lonely not to be busy. So tonight, in the absence of anyone to know any better, I cried.
I called my sister to talk through my thoughts. We haven't talked in awhile, but I always feel better when we have touched bases. It helped. Now, if I could only wave a magic wand to make some of the things going wrong around here to disappear, I could feel even better. We won't go into those! I choose not to make myself feel worse tonight!
Poor me! (Do you feel sorry for me yet?)
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