The Driver's License

When my sister returned home to Illinois after her visit here, she was facing dealing with a problem that came up just before she left.  Her husband, with FTD (dementia) had scored so low on his last visit with the "memory doctor" that the doc's office was required, by law, to report it to the Secretary of State's office.  In short, just before she came here, a letter arrived from that office saying that Roger would need to take driving tests...both written and on-the-road...in order to maintain his driver's license.  The deadline for taking the test is tomorrow, June 29th.

Truth be known, Roger still drives pretty well, although he does get distracted, sometimes to the point of being frantic.  But being "out and about" is a daily quest with him.  He has a list of favorite waitresses at certain restaurants that he wants to visit daily...plus, starting in August, he is ready to go out driving to see the fall colors (which haven't even begun to happen yet).  His dementia requires that he mails paid bills the day he receives them, which (to him) means driving at least five miles in to town (rather than just putting them in the mailbox for outgoing mail).  I'm pretty sure he could pass the driving portion of the test if he kept his mouth shut.  But can he pass the written test?  He doesn't think so, and neither do the rest of us.  His brain gets easily confused.  Words are the problem.  He has lost lots and lots of words.

This isn't something that we haven't all seen coming.  I think we all just hoped it wouldn't happen YET.

When Roger found out that he had been reported to the state, he thought his wife (my sister Shari) was the one who did it, because she is the one who has had to talk to him about it in the past.  At first, he said he was just going to drive anyway, with or without a license.  Then he was just going to throw the letter from the Secretary of State's office in the trash.  Then, he told her that he would take the letter and just kill himself.  (This is a constant threat.)  Then he told her, in no uncertain terms, that she needed to call the S of State's office to tell them that he drives just fine.  (Yeah...that will fix it!)  I think he must have figured that since he thought she had called in the dogs, she could could call them off.

I think there is some resignation now.  A couple of days ago, he threw the Rules of the Road book in Shari's lap and told her that she had to help him.  She has tried.  In fact, today they are "cramming" for the test, with no promises.  His mental confusion is the problem.  If he doesn't pass the test, my sister's life will become so much more complicated than it already is.

I'm not sure that Roger SHOULD still be driving.  He does some strange things and begins to show signs of not knowing where he is going...but...losing his license means double duty for my sister and family.  Dealing with him sometimes requires standing ground that didn't used to have to happen. She will now have to tell him (and everyone else) that she won't ride with him if he decides to take off without a license.  It might require locking up the keys, selling the second car...whatever it takes.

I have so much respect for what my sister is going through in dealing with all of this.  She appreciates every moment of respite that she gets...and those moments are few and far between.  Caring for someone with dementia is a drain on energy, morale, time, and feelings of self-worth.  The ads on television show dementia patients as quiet and well loved by their caregivers.  Don't believe that for a minute!  They are well loved, but they are far from quiet!  They get combative, accusative, and nasty. I can't count the number of times that Roger has thrown things and broken them out of frustration.  I think his favorite comment when Shari tells him she doesn't want to go out to eat for the fourth time in a week is "You are being mean to me."  Even what they watch on television is governed by his disease!

So...I wait and watch to see how things go with the driver's test tomorrow.  Another day; another situation to deal with.

I love you, Shari!