I haven't written much lately. The truth is that I have tried--and failed--several times to organize my thoughts enough to make sense of them fit enough for others to read. My mind rambles on and spins in wide circles of logic and reason. Am I insane? Am I demented? Am I alone in my frustrations? I don't think so, but I'm trying to keep it together when the rest of the world has gone nuts. Or so it seems to me.
Growing old is hard enough all by itself. Having to accept that I can no longer do things that used to give me joy--many, but not all of them due to my own stupidity through the years of taking care of everyone but myself. But that's another topic, altogether. I have not grown disabled gracefully. I have fought it every step of the way--complaining and whining the entire time. You don't need to feel sorry for me because I feel sorry for myself enough for all of us. Still, I've been fighting my own battles with limited success.
Then along came Donald Trump. I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character. I never cared for D. Trump as a private citizen whose life was quite public. When he decided to go into politics, I considered it a joke. America was too smart to elect this man...and then they did. I took it personally. I was mortified! I became seriously depressed by all that I was seeing, and that depression remains to this day. In fact, every day is some new nail in the coffin of his flagrant violation of law in this wonderful nation of ours. I have inadvertently been radicalized against Donald Trump just by listening to/watching him. No other influences. And now, we are in another election cycle, and the hits just keep on coming.
I freely admit that news from or about Mr. Trump triggers me into sarcasm and dark moods. It raises my blood pressure and keeps me angry, which I don't need. I simply can't stand the man. I don't like to look at him, and I don't like to hear him speak. I have stopped watching national news, from any source. I've stopped reading the comments after articles on Facebook. I have tried to be a voice of reason in an unreasonable world, but sometimes that feels empty and unheard.
And then along came COVID-19. It was predicted. It came. It's still here. I am high risk, so I've had to isolate myself more than what I already was. I had to cancel two trips to Seattle for family celebrations. Everything shut down. I was lonely before, but COVID made it worse. I wore a mask. I stayed at home. I allowed no one in my house, and I went nowhere. I washed my hands and used hand sanitizer when I couldn't. I did it all so that the pandemic might be shortened and I might be spared long enough to see my beloved family again. Unfortunately, a bunch of Americans decided that they shouldn't be fettered by restrictions, so they refused to follow the advice of health officials and even state governors. And the resistance was led by none other than "our" president, Donald Trump. So now, so many months later, there has been no progress with conquering the virus, and I am still as isolated and alone as ever--and even more frustrated because I DID what was asked, while others didn't, and now I am classified as a sheep...afraid of my own shadow...a "Boomer" who could very well die of other things before the virus comes around. True, I guess.
I confess that I am terrified. I live alone. My daughter and family live 2,000 miles away under quarantines of their own. If I were to fall victim to my age or the virus, my only child wouldn't be able to be with me for my last breath. I don't particularly relish the idea of dying alone, yet I have this unnerving feeling that I will never get to see my family again. But nobody wants to hear that from me because they don't know how to deal with the unfortunate truth.
A couple of days ago, I received an email "forward" from the leader of my adult Sunday school class. She said it was "something to think about". It was political, starting out as something for Christians to read on both sides of the political fence, as if it was going to be a study of bipartisanship for people of faith. It included lots of !! and even more capital letters. The bottom line conclusion was that the only voting choice for true Christians was Donald Trump. Yikes! I was instantly triggered! My BP went up. I saw red and didn't know what to do with my ire. My knee-jerk reaction was to respond to the email with a nasty note, but I truly love the woman that sent it and didn't want to risk offending her.
I called my friend Judy who also goes to my church. She is of the "other" persuasion, which is the reason we don't talk politics, but I knew she would have calming words. And then I put a call in to my pastor, asking that he or his wife (whom I know and love) would call back. SHE did, from Memphis, TN, where they were vacationing at their daughter's. I mentioned why I was calling, and she put her husband with us on speaker. We talked and prayed together. We discussed the best way for me to deal with the situation. I left the call feeling better.
The next day (yesterday), with a whole day between me and the offensive email, I had a choice between writing an email in response or just calling to talk to the sender. I decided to call. I'm so glad I did! We talked about so many things--laughed together, cried together, and expressed our love for each other. I got my point across in non-offensive ways (or so I think). I felt good about it.
Still, nothing has changed. Doesn't take much to trigger me, but I am trying to comprehend the other side of every side of every story. I'm still alone. I still don't like Donald Trump. I'm still at risk for the Covid virus. I'm working overtime to save myself from the things that trigger me, but it ain't easy!
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