The Hurrier I Go, the Behinder I Get!

We are down to one car while Meg's gets fixed.  (We hope.)  It was a matter of doing it NOW while I am still on medical leave...or being doubly inconvenienced when I go back to work next week.  Meg snagged a ride to work today, so all I had to do was take the children to day care, pick up some shoes at the shoe repair place, get cleaned up, drive to Indy to meet Meg for lunch, then go to a doctor's appointment, come back home and pick the kids up from day care, keep the kids entertained while their mother was in her evening class, drive to Indy to pick Meg up from class....then come home and fall into a heap!

I have had a couple of horrific scabs on the incision on my noggin....horrific because they are big and dark and don't seem to want to come off, even after all this time.  The doctor cut them off.  (Don't flinch.  That part of my skull is really pretty numb.)  Unfortunately, what was under them wasn't anywhere near healed...so I have to treat them twice a day with peroxide so they will "heal from the inside out"...  And here's the kicker:  he wants to see me on Tuesday!  Huh?  I was going back to work on Tuesday!  The receptionist managed to work me into a 9:30 AM appointment, but that was the best she could do.  I had to call my principal the minute I hit the house to tell her that I need yet another half day off.  Ugh!

Needless to say, I got nothing done today.  The doc informed me this morning that he didn't want me mowing the lawn yet, due to the heat (even though it was a fairly decent day), so I snagged a ham friend who came over and did it for me.  (Thanks, Travis!)  At least THAT much got accomplished--but I didn't do it!

I am ready to crash for the night.  It's been a looooong day!

Real Jeans!

I was cleaning in my "shack" today and found a coupon for $15 off a purchase at a women's clothing store...that expires today.  It was really Meg's coupon, but Meg is at work, and I need jeans...so I copped the coupon and went shopping.  I guess I should explain that I had a pair of fat-lady jeans.  They looked horrible on me and had an elastic waistband.  UnAmerican!  They finally developed a hole in a conspicuous place, so I pitched them...but then I didn't have any jeans to wear for Casual Friday at school.  Egads!  I came home a short time later with real jeans...and they fit!  I'm saved!  Hmmm...guess I'm easy to please...

One of the things I also found in the shack was the post-surgery discharge instructions from the Peoria hospital.  (I don't remember seeing it before.)  I discovered that what I had is called a "craniotomy".  I also discovered that I'm not supposed to lift over ten pounds for eight weeks post-surgery.  (Huh?  Guess I goofed up on that one.)  It says I can go for short car rides.  (Oops!  Missed that one, too.  It took four hours to get back to Plainfield when I was discharged.)  I was musing that if there were things I shouldn't be doing before eight weeks post-craniotomy, I probably shouldn't be doing some other things, since it's only been five weeks since they messed with my head.  Mowing the lawn is one of them.  Hmmm...

I have worked on cleaning up messy areas in the house for two days now, and all I have done is overload the garbage cans and mess up the other rooms.  There has to be a better way!

I Have My Days...

Although God blessed me with a great family and lots of energy and enthusiasm, He wasn't all that generous in the natural beauty department.  I have spent all of my adult life trying to make up for what I lack in beauty attributes.  I wear make-up.  I style my thin hair as best I can to cover my scalp.  (I gave up on coloring the gray because it just looks like gray hair that has been colored!)  Over time, some battles just don't seem worth fighting...and it seems inordinately unfair to me that all three of the surgeries I have had in my life have been from the neck up.  I have scars on my nose and face from skin cancers, and now a rather large scar on my head from brain surgery--and they all show!

I need to be grateful that I'm alive...and I am.  But I do get discouraged about my appearance.  The worst part of it all is that I know it will never get better because of my age.  It hit me this morning that it doesn't matter.  No one pays attention to the aging.  If I wear crummy clothes (which I do) on an overweight body (which I have), no one really cares.  I am excused from the scrutiny of others because I am old.  And, in the end, I don't care either...  People have had to see me at my absolute worse with this latest health scare, so my pride has been breeched. 

I guess I have to decide where my bottom line is.  Do I want to live out the rest of my life feeling like a frump, which is how I am perceived?  Do I want more?  Do I have the energy to play the game--and is there a reason for the game?  Self-esteem?  Self-acceptance has taken a turn for the worse in my case because it has caused me to accept less--largely because "less" is what I have been given to accept!

I think I need to go back to work.  Too much time to be a drudge if I don't!

Triggers

For years, I have enjoyed my wine in the evenings.  That, unfortunately, is linked with smoking.  Caffeine and alcohol are known triggers for those who are addicted to nicotine...which I was.  Drinking promotes smoking...and vice versa.  I haven't had anything to drink (or smoke) since I was admitted to the hospital over a month ago.  I told the ICU nurse that I was a smoker and was afraid of withdrawal.  She assured me that, if I needed it, they would supply me with a patch.  I didn't need it.  (Someone needs to explain that to me!) 

Okay...so a few days ago, I thought some wine would taste good.  Got some...and guess what?  I needed nicotine, big time!  That only goes to prove that I am my own worst enemy.  I am not out of the woods yet, dear friends.  Intelligence, logic, near-tragedy, and personal trauma have no sway over the call of addictions.  All I can do is keep talking to myself.  I need to go back to work!

One Month!

One month ago today, I was stricken with a subarachnoid hemorrhage--ruptured aneurysm.  In some respects, it seems like forever ago, and in others, I am amazed that I am doing so well in so short a time, considering all that occurred. 

I probably appear ungrateful to some.  Because I never lost any functions, I have been most impatient to be able to get back to a normal life--but I have been in awe of the way things worked out.  It is not lost on me that I am one of the "lucky" ones who survived the situation with all of my faculties intact, and I am MOST grateful to everyone who bent over backwards for me--my sister and brother-in-law, and of course, my daughter who had to move mountains to get to Illinois to stay with me.  Meg took over like a trouper!

I will probably stay out of school yet another week--not because I need to, but because everyone--including the neurosurgeon--tells me that I should! 

Robin--bless her--has experienced her first week of Kindergarten and insists that she is the "goodest" one in the class.  Yesterday, she bragged that she has been in school for five days and hasn't had any "yellow lights" or "red lights"--then promptly came home and threw a book at her little brother and hit him in the eye.  Hmmm...

We are surviving.  I guess I should take advantage of these extra days at home to get some things done that I couldn't do when the brain deal hit.  We got at least two inches of much-needed rain yesterday after a long dry spell.  I think the grass grew that much overnight.  Can I mow?  I think we are about to find out!

Back to the Grind

Yesterday was the first "teacher day" at school.  I went in because there is too much to do to stay home!  The sub was there, and we talked some...but the big bulk of stuff to do was attend meetings and training on our new district software.  I was up at 4:00 AM, and didn't get a nap after school before my radio club meeting in the evening.  Back to the grind!

I got lots of attention at the district breakfast first thing in the morning.  I think there were a number of people who were surprised to see me on my feet!  I have found a way to do my hair to (almost) cover up the incision on my scalp so that I don't have to wear a scarf.  It isn't pretty, but it's better than the alternative.  Just another thing to get through...

Today, Grandma Judy and I will take Robin to a 45-minute "Meet the Teacher" meeting for Kindergarten.  My little girl is going to school for her first day tomorrow!

You know, addictions are weird things.  After all I have been through, the urge to smoke is still strong, and it defies all logic and intelligence.  I thought I could get through this just on strength of will, but I am thinking that I will avail myself of the newest medications to get past the "habit" part of recovery.  And so it goes...

Will be awaiting the plumber this afternoon.  Something has happened with the sewer cleanout just outside the house.  I have raw sewage bubbling up in front.  Fun, fun!

Busy day!

 

Reflections

As of Saturday, it has been three weeks since my cerebral "accident".  By the grace of God, I am recuperating without much difficulty, and it has given me a chance to reflect on what has occurred.

For one thing, I don't think I was scared enough.  Since I hadn't lost any functions, I guess I had the sense that I just had to get through the procedures that were necessary to save my life.  At no point, was I afraid.  I know, however, that I scared my sister and brother-in-law and my daughter...and it wasn't very easy for any of them.  I didn't, however, take them for granted, and I am very, very grateful for the care I got from them...even from a distance.  I love you all!

School starts today.  I will be going in for the full day (without students) to help the sub with lesson plans and take some training on our new software.  I will be very tired at the end of the day, I'm sure...and radio club is tonight.  (I slept most of yesterday which isn't like me.  The thought of summer being over was depressing...)  I am working to get my energy back.  Still have minor headaches and am not totally sure when the doctor thinks I will be ready to tackle the world again.  (He doesn't want me to return to school until after Labor Day, but that seems a bit much to me!)  At this point, I am planning on at least two weeks' absence.  We'll see how it goes.  Wish me luck!

 

It's About Time!

First of all, I am here to tell you that news of my death has been highly overrated!  I am alive and happy to be here to say so!  At the time of my last "blog" post, I was preparing to leave for my sister's in Illinois.  I got there with time to spare--then the bottom of my world fell apart.  A week and a ruptured brain aneurysm later, I am happy to be home with only a headache to show for my trouble!

God loves me!  If I ever had any doubt, this little health incident proved that He isn't ready for me yet--but wanted to let me know that I needed to take better care of myself.  What I had was a subarachnoid hemorrhage, which is bleeding into the subarachnoid tissues around the outer surface of the brain--and this was a "slight to moderate" bleed.  Several doctors have told me that if five people with the same diagnosis were put in the same room, three of them wouldn't make it to the emergency room.  Of the remaining two, one would live with a disability, and the last one would go on to lead a normal life.  I appear to be that very last one!  So far, I am symptom-free (except for the headaches which I am told can go on for a month to six weeks).  Still, until I am out of the woods, I am to have a daily babysitter and am not allowed to drive...  (That's okay.  I can endure!)

I am advised by the neurologist here in Indy that I may not have my judgment back yet.  Similar to a stroke victim, my ability to reason things out may not be up to snuff.  I am being a good girl.  And until I have an opportunity to formally thank everyone who has sent me good wishes and prayers, physical assistance, flowers, food, and companionship, I must say I am so blessed to have you all in my life!

I will write more later.  Love to you!