As I was preparing my Sunday school lesson for this week, I had reason to remember an experience I had in order to illustrate a point. Here is the story:
One of my dearest friends (now deceased) was the Director of Emergency Disaster Services (EDS) for The Salvation Army (TSA) in the Metro Division of Chicago for 15 years. Major Pat and family lived in the northwest suburb of Elk Grove Village, not far from where my first husband's family lived so many years ago, and having been somewhat raised in a western 'burb (Oak Park), I was not unfamiliar with the area.
I had accepted the responsibility of SATERN (Salvation Army Team Emergency Radio Network) Coordinator for Indiana's EDS responses. Major Pat took it upon himself to train me for EDS. He included me in virtually everything, even though we lived 200 miles apart. I would travel up there to visit him and his wife, Carmella, to help do projects a number of times.
As it happened, in one of those visits, "we" were called to go on an EDS run. There was a trailer park in Robbins, IL (southern suburb) that was slated to be closed down for whatever reason. Residents--almost all African-Americans--had been warned in advance but weren't moving out. In a last ditch effort to motivate them to move, power to the trailer park was shut off. Still, they didn't move. They had no money to move and nowhere to go. They preferred to stay in the dark. The Rev. Jesse Jackson stepped in and asked TSA to help feed the residents of the park until things could be resolved, and TSA responded. Twice a day, a mobile feeding unit (canteen) was sent to Robbins to feed the residents. Thus, in one of my visits to the north, I went on a run to Robbins with Major Pat and another volunteer.
When we got there, it took a few minutes to prepare the food and the foam trays to hand out from the back of the canteen. I went with charity in my heart and the love of God's work on my lips. Before we started handing out food, I had asked if there were any rules. I was told, basically, that we gave one tray to each person who presented him/herself to the truck. I was down with that.
Most of the people we served that day were happily grateful for what they got at no cost to them: hot dogs, chips, fruit, milk/juice/water, condiments, plus snacks for after the canteen left to get them through until the next canteen delivery. And then there were the rest.
*One complained that the truck was late. (Traffic.)
*A couple complained about the food choice. (They had hoped for better.)
*Quite a few asked for more than their share and/or came back for seconds claiming that there were people back at their trailers still to be fed.
*Several weren't even from that trailer park. Word had gotten around. They learned to watch for the canteen.
Through all of it, I kept looking for direction...for someone to tell me, "No, don't serve them"...but it didn't happen. Later, after we had left the location to go back to the EDS Center, I asked Major Pat about it. My questions centered around the abuses of resources. To me, it seemed like a bottomless pit without solution--a virtual grab-bag of "grab what you can before everyone else takes it". I was focusing on the ones abusing the system rather than the ones who were doing the best they could to feed their families on limited resources. "You do this all the time, Pat. TSA does not ask for nor accept donations at the point of service. Doesn't it bother you that some people seem ungrateful and demanding?" I understood in that moment that it is so much easier to help someone who is appreciative of what you are trying to do for them. Patrick told me that, yes, it can be frustrating but that feeding these people for personal reward was not what the ministry is about. The ultimate goal of the mission is to bring folks to Christ, but since it is difficult for people to concentrate on their immortal souls when their bellies are growling, we feed God's children first and hope that their hunger will transfer from their stomachs to their spirituality.
I learned a lot that day and in subsequent experiences working with The Salvation Army in disaster situations. More than once, I had grown men show up at my SATERN booth at Indiana amateur radio hamfests, with tears in their eyes as they thanked ME, as a representative of TSA, for the free cups of coffee and donuts that they received from The Salvation Army in foreign places during war time, decades before--how much it meant to them to know that someone was thinking of them and caring for them in war-torn places, not asking for a thing in return. That moved me.
What else did I learn? I learned that if you don't believe or trust the people you are serving, you don't require proof that they need what they ask for. That just makes it necessary for them to lie (at worst) or humiliate themselves (at best) in order to succeed in getting their needs met. If they need food, give them food or a voucher to get food locally. If they need gas for a vehicle, you give them gas or a voucher to get gas at a station that has an arrangement for such vouchers. If they need winter coats for the children, you take them shopping. In short, you don't give cash to someone you suspect might only spend it on alcohol or drugs, but you DO take care of the need, if you can. It is our Christian duty to care for the less fortunate. Jesus did it. We need to, also.
I also learned that lives of poverty create lives of crime. Get a traffic ticket and can't/don't pay the fine? A bench warrant for your arrest may be issued--which creates more fines, and maybe jail time, which means you can't work to make the money to pay the fines, even if you wanted to. See how that works? I once had my driver's license suspended because I could not prove that I had insurance at the time of an "incident". (Couldn't prove it because I didn't have it!) I received written notification of the suspension on the very day that I was leaving on a 13-hr road trip for a vacation where people were waiting for me on the other end. I damned the torpedoes and went on with my life. Drove illegally for months, all the while knowing how humiliated I would be if I got pulled over. (Thank God, I didn't.) When I could, I took care of the problem...but not before I realized that there are probably millions of people on the roads whose licenses have been suspended, for one reason or another. To society, they are criminals. To themselves, they are simply in survival mode. And this is just a minor example.
I learned not to judge. I have a right to an opinion about their circumstances, but I haven't walked in their shoes. The gal with the fancy fingernails loading Food Stamp groceries into a late-model car may look like someone who doesn't need food stamps, but in fact, may have done those nails herself and is using Grandma's car to shop. We just never know! Jesus reminded his disciples that "the poor will always be with us". I don't have much, but I try my best to help others as I can.
Go thou and do likewise!
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Why I Never Remarried
Every once in awhile, I get asked this question. Actually, now that I am totally in the "senior" category, no one asks so much anymore, but I have asked it of myself quite often.
There is a short answer and a long answer, one very much simpler than the other. The short answer is: I never found anyone available that I thought I could bring into my life at any given moment. (The emphasis is important. I'll discuss that in my long answer. You knew I was going to talk about the long answer, didn't you??)
So what is the long answer? If it doesn't matter to you, stop reading now.
First of all, I was married (and divorced) twice. My first marriage only lasted five years and was childless. Thus, when the end of that relationship happened, my then-husband and I pretty much just shook hands and said good-bye. I moved on. So did he. On my part, no anger, no hurt...just "good luck to you". Not sure on his part, but I never talk about that relationship because there was nothing left to tie us together. I'm not ashamed of it nor tried to hide it from anyone. It was what it was--although I think I shocked my granddaughter about a year ago when she first got wind that Grandma had been married twice.
When I remarried, I was totally dedicated to that relationship. I was head-over-heels in love; made some emotional decisions in spite of red flags that were popping up...and because of those emotional decisions, decided that I could ignore the flags because so much of me was already invested in us. His past behavior be damned! It will be different for us, right? He won't do those things with me, right? Guess what? I was wrong. Our marriage was wrong. It began on shaky ground and didn't get better. Still, I hung on for 13 years.
We were somewhat okay in the beginning. What changed things was the advent of our daughter--his third child; my first. Then the struggle got real. I'll spare the gory details. Suffice it to say that I became a single parent even though married. I had no help with the child. No help at all.
When the inevitable split came, due to his un-admitted infidelity, although I had all of the hard evidence and he knew it, our daughter and I moved to Plainfield (from Cloverdale). We began our new lives as single women. I was instantly aware that my ex would take care of himself. Period. It then became my job to take care of myself and our child, and to keep him honest. (That's a full time job!) At the time of our divorce, Meg was 12. A mature 12.
At that time, I had been out of circulation for probably what amounts to 25 years. I had no doubt that I could get back out there, when the spirit moved me, to find someone with which to share my life. Oh, what a dreamer I was! I blocked virtually every opportunity I had because...well...I wasn't ready. I had a new home to establish...new household rules...new routines to figure out...and a hormonal teen. I was acutely aware that she and I were in the same situation. I was preaching morals and precepts to her, all the while understanding that she was watching me to see what I was doing in my own life.
I knew that any serious relationship I had would be subject to criticism from my daughter, for one, and my Significant Other, for another. I knew that she and I had developed a tight relationship that could make her jealous or him jealous, unless I found someone who truly cared for both of us. I simply could not accept someone who demanded more of me than what I felt I could give. My experience in past relationships let me know that I always became a caregiver, even when I should have been expecting others to care for me, somewhat. I was 100% dedicated to getting my kid through high school and college. I was a Show Choir Mom. I struggled to keep her in vehicles when she was able to drive. I did a lot of the denial things with her that I did with my marriage, but for a different reason.
At one time, I was drinking heavily to mask my pain post-divorce. I probably embarrassed my kid a time or two, but (I think) we got through that. Not sure.
After I became an amateur radio operator (1997), I had no end of male friends--most of them married. I had a whole cadre of guys to rely on to help me get through house repairs, etc. God love them all! Still, it seeped into my brain over time that I wasn't going to find Mr. Right. And honestly, I gave up. I didn't even recognize opportunities when they presented themselves.
I wish I had a nickel for every divorced or widowed woman who said they would never remarry. It is NOT the mark of a good marriage for women to say this. If a woman lives a happy marriage, she is most likely willing to try again. If she has been sucked dry by her marriage, she is likely to say (as I have), never again.
And that is the long answer. I'm happy that my ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with. (Bad grammar.) Do I wish to put myself back in the fray of marriage? No. Not again. Not for any reason. Not sure anyone would have me, anyway! I get lonely sometimes, but when I think about the other ramifications of marriage, I realize that I'm done with all of that. Done, do you hear me? Done! :)
There is a short answer and a long answer, one very much simpler than the other. The short answer is: I never found anyone available that I thought I could bring into my life at any given moment. (The emphasis is important. I'll discuss that in my long answer. You knew I was going to talk about the long answer, didn't you??)
So what is the long answer? If it doesn't matter to you, stop reading now.
First of all, I was married (and divorced) twice. My first marriage only lasted five years and was childless. Thus, when the end of that relationship happened, my then-husband and I pretty much just shook hands and said good-bye. I moved on. So did he. On my part, no anger, no hurt...just "good luck to you". Not sure on his part, but I never talk about that relationship because there was nothing left to tie us together. I'm not ashamed of it nor tried to hide it from anyone. It was what it was--although I think I shocked my granddaughter about a year ago when she first got wind that Grandma had been married twice.
When I remarried, I was totally dedicated to that relationship. I was head-over-heels in love; made some emotional decisions in spite of red flags that were popping up...and because of those emotional decisions, decided that I could ignore the flags because so much of me was already invested in us. His past behavior be damned! It will be different for us, right? He won't do those things with me, right? Guess what? I was wrong. Our marriage was wrong. It began on shaky ground and didn't get better. Still, I hung on for 13 years.
We were somewhat okay in the beginning. What changed things was the advent of our daughter--his third child; my first. Then the struggle got real. I'll spare the gory details. Suffice it to say that I became a single parent even though married. I had no help with the child. No help at all.
When the inevitable split came, due to his un-admitted infidelity, although I had all of the hard evidence and he knew it, our daughter and I moved to Plainfield (from Cloverdale). We began our new lives as single women. I was instantly aware that my ex would take care of himself. Period. It then became my job to take care of myself and our child, and to keep him honest. (That's a full time job!) At the time of our divorce, Meg was 12. A mature 12.
At that time, I had been out of circulation for probably what amounts to 25 years. I had no doubt that I could get back out there, when the spirit moved me, to find someone with which to share my life. Oh, what a dreamer I was! I blocked virtually every opportunity I had because...well...I wasn't ready. I had a new home to establish...new household rules...new routines to figure out...and a hormonal teen. I was acutely aware that she and I were in the same situation. I was preaching morals and precepts to her, all the while understanding that she was watching me to see what I was doing in my own life.
I knew that any serious relationship I had would be subject to criticism from my daughter, for one, and my Significant Other, for another. I knew that she and I had developed a tight relationship that could make her jealous or him jealous, unless I found someone who truly cared for both of us. I simply could not accept someone who demanded more of me than what I felt I could give. My experience in past relationships let me know that I always became a caregiver, even when I should have been expecting others to care for me, somewhat. I was 100% dedicated to getting my kid through high school and college. I was a Show Choir Mom. I struggled to keep her in vehicles when she was able to drive. I did a lot of the denial things with her that I did with my marriage, but for a different reason.
At one time, I was drinking heavily to mask my pain post-divorce. I probably embarrassed my kid a time or two, but (I think) we got through that. Not sure.
After I became an amateur radio operator (1997), I had no end of male friends--most of them married. I had a whole cadre of guys to rely on to help me get through house repairs, etc. God love them all! Still, it seeped into my brain over time that I wasn't going to find Mr. Right. And honestly, I gave up. I didn't even recognize opportunities when they presented themselves.
I wish I had a nickel for every divorced or widowed woman who said they would never remarry. It is NOT the mark of a good marriage for women to say this. If a woman lives a happy marriage, she is most likely willing to try again. If she has been sucked dry by her marriage, she is likely to say (as I have), never again.
And that is the long answer. I'm happy that my ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with. (Bad grammar.) Do I wish to put myself back in the fray of marriage? No. Not again. Not for any reason. Not sure anyone would have me, anyway! I get lonely sometimes, but when I think about the other ramifications of marriage, I realize that I'm done with all of that. Done, do you hear me? Done! :)
Friday, September 2, 2016
Phone Call to Heaven
I picked up the phone and pressed (000) HEAVEN-2...that's 000-432-8362.
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello. I'd like to speak to Floyd Covill, please."
"This is he."
"Dad? Oh, Dad! It's so good to hear your voice! I've been wanting to talk to you for the longest time! I know you have better things to do, so just listen while I talk, okay?
First of all, we continue to miss you every single day. I've come to know you and understand you so much more than when you were here with us on Earth! And speaking of life on Earth, things are a mess here. Shades of the 60s and 70s with all kinds of political and philosophical unrest. I know how much you hated all of that. You'd hate it now, too. One interesting thing, though: people have gone bat-crap-crazy over veterans. If you were living today and wearing one of your American Legion caps, you would be stopped on the street and thanked for your service. You would probably have liked that if it had happened in your day, but in your day, thousands and thousands of men joined the military because we were at war. You signed on because it was somewhat expected. You weren't in it for glory. You considered it your duty as an American, fighting a war so your descendants wouldn't have to. I think you'd be embarrassed by the "new" patriotism. It's all show and no go.
But, Dad...that's not why I called. Do you remember telling your daughter, Shari, to "be a good wife" when she married Roger? Well, she took it to heart. You may not be aware of all of the things she went through in her marriage to him, even when you were still with us, but I'm here to tell you that it wasn't easy! Roger was demanding, critical, judgmental, and petulant, at times or all at once, but she remained strong either because of or in spite of him, with a lot of happy times in between. (She is definitely an Armstrong/Covill woman!) I used to say that either she was the most patient woman in the world, or the most stupid. She has stuck with him through thick and thin. At one time, they had a lot of friends and did a lot of fun things. I envied them that. Roger turned into a kick-ass provider for them because of wise investments and good decisions. They've been together 55 years now. Imagine that!
A few years ago, Roger was diagnosed with dementia. In the very beginning, she told him, "We are in this together". And she meant it. Dad, she is being a "good wife". And now that he has descended into some major health problems and mind problems, she continues to roll with the punches. She could easily send him to an institution, but she is doing everything she can to make things "normal" for him at home. Her every waking moment deals with his needs, from cleaning a soiled diaper to finding things he can eat. He isn't very cooperative, but she hangs in. I want you to know that she has gone way beyond your admonishment to be a good wife. She is a saint! You'd be so proud of your eldest!
Those of us who know and understand what Shari is going through worry about her. I mean, she's no spring chicken, either! Dad, if you can pull any strings with the Big Guy where you are, please ask for mercy. She won't give up on Roger until she is absolutely forced to, but even she deserves some peace.
I just wanted you to know how your words impacted Shari's life...and the rest of us, as well. She rose to the occasion to care for you through your last days on Earth. She has done the same with her husband.
Thanks for listening, Dad! I love you!"
"Thanks for telling me, Peg. I already knew, but it sounds good hearing it from you. Be well! We here in Heaven are making a place for you when the time comes. Don't be afraid. It's all good! We love you."
*Click*
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello. I'd like to speak to Floyd Covill, please."
"This is he."
"Dad? Oh, Dad! It's so good to hear your voice! I've been wanting to talk to you for the longest time! I know you have better things to do, so just listen while I talk, okay?
First of all, we continue to miss you every single day. I've come to know you and understand you so much more than when you were here with us on Earth! And speaking of life on Earth, things are a mess here. Shades of the 60s and 70s with all kinds of political and philosophical unrest. I know how much you hated all of that. You'd hate it now, too. One interesting thing, though: people have gone bat-crap-crazy over veterans. If you were living today and wearing one of your American Legion caps, you would be stopped on the street and thanked for your service. You would probably have liked that if it had happened in your day, but in your day, thousands and thousands of men joined the military because we were at war. You signed on because it was somewhat expected. You weren't in it for glory. You considered it your duty as an American, fighting a war so your descendants wouldn't have to. I think you'd be embarrassed by the "new" patriotism. It's all show and no go.
But, Dad...that's not why I called. Do you remember telling your daughter, Shari, to "be a good wife" when she married Roger? Well, she took it to heart. You may not be aware of all of the things she went through in her marriage to him, even when you were still with us, but I'm here to tell you that it wasn't easy! Roger was demanding, critical, judgmental, and petulant, at times or all at once, but she remained strong either because of or in spite of him, with a lot of happy times in between. (She is definitely an Armstrong/Covill woman!) I used to say that either she was the most patient woman in the world, or the most stupid. She has stuck with him through thick and thin. At one time, they had a lot of friends and did a lot of fun things. I envied them that. Roger turned into a kick-ass provider for them because of wise investments and good decisions. They've been together 55 years now. Imagine that!
A few years ago, Roger was diagnosed with dementia. In the very beginning, she told him, "We are in this together". And she meant it. Dad, she is being a "good wife". And now that he has descended into some major health problems and mind problems, she continues to roll with the punches. She could easily send him to an institution, but she is doing everything she can to make things "normal" for him at home. Her every waking moment deals with his needs, from cleaning a soiled diaper to finding things he can eat. He isn't very cooperative, but she hangs in. I want you to know that she has gone way beyond your admonishment to be a good wife. She is a saint! You'd be so proud of your eldest!
Those of us who know and understand what Shari is going through worry about her. I mean, she's no spring chicken, either! Dad, if you can pull any strings with the Big Guy where you are, please ask for mercy. She won't give up on Roger until she is absolutely forced to, but even she deserves some peace.
I just wanted you to know how your words impacted Shari's life...and the rest of us, as well. She rose to the occasion to care for you through your last days on Earth. She has done the same with her husband.
Thanks for listening, Dad! I love you!"
"Thanks for telling me, Peg. I already knew, but it sounds good hearing it from you. Be well! We here in Heaven are making a place for you when the time comes. Don't be afraid. It's all good! We love you."
*Click*
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