My disabilities started along about when I retired. There was a firestorm of things that happened that year. (2009) I retired at the end of May that year. My heart attack happened on August 1st, then a couple of days later, my grandson (who lived with me) had a major concussion...and then my daughter left for California without the kids who went to live with their father. I do NOT blame those times for my infirmities. There had been small signs and symptoms long before that, but retirement was a benchmark--the point of no return, so to speak.
Walking is a problem. Standing without something to lean on is worse. Over a year ago, I finally gave up and hired a housekeeper to help me take care of business because I couldn't keep up with the necessities. I have aids that help me get around, when needed, but there is some pride to deal with.
Pride is a Covill/Armstrong Woman thing. Can't change those genes!
For the last several years, I have watched weather forecasts like a hawk in the winter. If there is a prediction for any amount of snow or ice, I go out ahead of the storm to make sure I have what I need in the house to survive, then I don't go anywhere...for days. Even my auto mechanic makes fun of the fact that my vehicle is 13 years old but only has 71,000 miles on it. (He says the engine has cobwebs in it.) In fact, even in good weather, I don't stray far from home. Mostly, I go to the grocery store and back. And since I am retired, every new day is like the last.
And this is where the irony comes in. Even as a retired person, I relished every Sunday because I didn't have to do anything. It was the Sabbath, after all--when, in fact, every day is a sabbath when one doesn't have to go to work. Another irony about retirement and shut-in-ism is the notion that we old folks have all the time in the world to do stuff. Wrong!
When I was still teaching, I spent every summer and every spring break with a list of things to accomplish at home. I checked things off my list as I could but never got to the end of the list. I told myself a million times that, when I finally retired, I would have the time to take care of everything I never had time to do before. I think I can speak for retirees everywhere when I say "Not gonna happen!" Actually, I'm embarrassed. There is only ONE person living in my house, and she's not doing a very good job of keeping things neat and tidy. Fie! I try--God knows I try--but it is never up to snuff. I'm slow to get things done, which is why I'm glad that I'm still alone with no one to criticize.
And now we have the COVID-19 pandemic. Everything is shut down, and I'm terrified. I am at high risk. If I catch this bug, I am a goner, and my family--the only thing in life that keeps me going--won't be able to be here to hold my hand as I pass. Thus, I am even MORE shut-in than I was before. I'm not missing any meals, which contributes to my depression because all of the weight I lost before has been regained. (Not because of the virus. Because I'm just stupid.)
I am now one of the people that I used to target as needy of attention from others.
Gals from church call regularly. But when I go to bed at night, I'm scared. I find ways to compartmentalize my fear to make it acceptable to my brain, but when the layers come off, I admit that I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
Until this is all over, I will remain a recluse. It isn't fun. I no longer have to find excuses not to go places, but it's different when I am actually AFRAID to leave the house, rather than simply inconvenienced. Please pray for me!
