Today's post is a lesson in how to save one's life from unnecessary drama. It's something I learned very late in life when, after my divorce, I found that my "ex" was making me crazy and that I needed to let that whole part of my life go rather than keep a dysfunctional relationship going. I had to learn to take care of myself because no one else was going to do it. Life is dramatic enough without all of the negativity that we take on in the name of others.
We amateur radio operators are counseled in the very beginning of our licensure how to deal with QRM. This is the Morse Code delineation for background noise, usually deliberate. There are those who get their jollies from sitting in front of their radios, anonymously, and doing their best to interfere with a conversation, or jam the airwaves with things that are forbidden by FCC rules. It is only slightly more obnoxious than Internet hackers in that the interfering party will not identify, which challenges those on the air with direction-finding (a way to determine who the offender is). The recommendation is that, when faced with deliberate interference, the persons in the radio conversation not acknowledge the interference at all. Nothing. Nada. If it becomes too difficult to communicate, the parties just need to sign off for the time being, making it sound as if they are simply done talking. It's like being on the elementary school playground. A child falls and gets hurt, saying, "He was chasing me!" To which I always replied, "He can't chase you if you don't run." The moment might be ruined, but the ultimate victory comes from knowing that the offending party didn't get the satisfaction of knowing he was having an effect.
The vast majority of my Facebook friends are former students who are seniors in college (youngest) to men and women my daughter's age, with families of their own. Some are my own family. Some are friends. Most of the members of the target audience of this post won't ever see it, so I'm probably talking to myself, but I just want to share what I have learned, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case they allow the drama of other people's lives consume them with anger and thoughts of retribution. Let it go!
And here's how:
1. Do not read the negative things that other people write about you, no matter the temptation.
2. Do not respond to what other people say about you, in any way. Your urge will be to defend yourself, but that is a mistake. More on that later.
3. Do not listen to "friends" who are eager to tell you what negative things others are saying about you, even if you have to interrupt them in mid-sentence.
4. Do not encourage others to fight your battles for you.
5. Do not engage in gossip or negative thoughts even to trusted "friends"--nothing that can get back to the people who are critical of you. It only serves as fuel to continue the fire.
And here's why:
1. If you are secure in who you are and what you stand for and what you have done in life, you have no need to defend yourself to anyone. Let your record stand for you. If you are unjustly attacked, it is because the OTHER person doesn't know or understand. That's his/her problem...not yours.
2. Defending yourself to those who attack only adds fuel to their fire. It keeps a dysfunctional situation going. What that serves to do is consume you. It takes your energy. It takes your time. It makes your blood pressure go up and your positive mental attitude go down. In short, the people who are attacking you are controlling you. They are snickering up their sleeves about how they have really "let you have it" this time. If you have disengaged and don't even know what they have said, they have failed in their mission. Don't let them win! The temptation to defend oneself is enormous. Biting the tongue and sitting on the hands becomes an exercise in personal discipline, but it can be done!
3. It is a fact that if you put a boxer in a ring all by himself, there can be no fight. He can punch at the air and hope that others admire his form, but he has no person to hit over which to be victorious.
I wish my niece could read this and get it. I hope my FB friends understand what I'm trying to say. Clean break. There is no better way!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Our American Spirit
Word has come down that my daughter's Russian parents-in-law have sold their apartment in Sovetsky, Russia, are liquidating their belongings, and will be moving to the US--permanently-- to live with the family on the 19th of this month. This has been my son-in-law's dream for many years--a goal toward which he (and later, my daughter as well) has worked hard since he first came to the United States in 2008. And now it is finally happening.
I think everyone is excited--and scared. Life as we all know it is about to change exponentially, and no one knows how it will all work. Luda and Sergei barely speak English. They rely heavily on their son for translation, and Denis gets easily stressed by the pressure of trying to keep everyone happy. And there are American children in the mix. Then there are the cultural differences and the fact that The Russians don't have the vocabulary to say what they mean in politically correct ways. (There have been many moments of humor because of this, but also moments of tension.)
I am having an emotional reaction to this news. Although we have all known it was coming, the time has arrived. And now what? My reaction isn't about the changes that will take place at Meg and Den's home place, but more about how very exciting and terrifying it must be for Luda and Sergei to leave the only home they've ever known to come to America for good. I don't want them to be scared. I think it's a mother thing. I want to wrap my arms around them and say, "You are with us now. We won't let anything hurt you."
Statistically, Luda and Sergei probably won't be any safer in the United States than they are in Russia, but at least we will feel more in control of what happens to them. And the whole issue has caused me to turn an open eye to what we do here. Drive down any street in your town and count the number of American flags that are displayed. You will be shocked at the number. Many! And why is that? If I drove down a Russian street and saw that many Russian flags, I would assume that the people had been brainwashed, in the same way that German children were indoctrinated into Nazi loyalty during World War II. Are we so indoctrinated? No...I don't think so.
There truly is an American Spirit. I can't put my finger on it, exactly, but patriotism comes from the stubborn and independent nature of how this country was made and has almost become a religion. For me, it came from lying in my bed in Sasebo, Japan, in 1957, realizing that, by a lucky accident of birth, I was born American. I didn't take that for granted but was oh so grateful for it, even as young as 10. It came from being in a military family that respected the Commander-in-Chief no matter his politics because he was the boss. And it continues to come from the dream that every American wants: a piece of land and a home to call his/her own in a nation of laws and rights that cannot be Constitutionally taken away. (We won't get into the recent challenges of the same-sex marriage thing. It will resolve, in time.)
Attack us? You will arouse a formidable foe. Speak ill of us? See where that gets you. Ignore us? We will continue to live our lives as if you don't exist. Life in the United States isn't all puppies and rainbows, but it is better than anywhere else in the world, hands down. I came into this life loving our great nation, and I will die the same way. I always believed that God was on our side, and I still do, no matter what others may say. We can be misguided but we are still righteous enough to get His blessings on our country. I can hardly get through The Star Spangled Banner without tearing up. A military flyover gets my blood flowing red, white, and blue. TAPS? Not a dry eye... And so it goes. What I feel is pride and love and security, which Luda and Sergei will probably never understand because they weren't born here and have gone through so many political changes in their lives in Russia. Still, I want to enfold them in my arms and say, "You are with us now. Welcome home!"
May God bless these people and this reunion. It won't be an easy adjustment for anyone, but it is certainly something worth fighting for!
God bless America, and God bless those who take it as their country of choice!
I think everyone is excited--and scared. Life as we all know it is about to change exponentially, and no one knows how it will all work. Luda and Sergei barely speak English. They rely heavily on their son for translation, and Denis gets easily stressed by the pressure of trying to keep everyone happy. And there are American children in the mix. Then there are the cultural differences and the fact that The Russians don't have the vocabulary to say what they mean in politically correct ways. (There have been many moments of humor because of this, but also moments of tension.)
I am having an emotional reaction to this news. Although we have all known it was coming, the time has arrived. And now what? My reaction isn't about the changes that will take place at Meg and Den's home place, but more about how very exciting and terrifying it must be for Luda and Sergei to leave the only home they've ever known to come to America for good. I don't want them to be scared. I think it's a mother thing. I want to wrap my arms around them and say, "You are with us now. We won't let anything hurt you."
Statistically, Luda and Sergei probably won't be any safer in the United States than they are in Russia, but at least we will feel more in control of what happens to them. And the whole issue has caused me to turn an open eye to what we do here. Drive down any street in your town and count the number of American flags that are displayed. You will be shocked at the number. Many! And why is that? If I drove down a Russian street and saw that many Russian flags, I would assume that the people had been brainwashed, in the same way that German children were indoctrinated into Nazi loyalty during World War II. Are we so indoctrinated? No...I don't think so.
There truly is an American Spirit. I can't put my finger on it, exactly, but patriotism comes from the stubborn and independent nature of how this country was made and has almost become a religion. For me, it came from lying in my bed in Sasebo, Japan, in 1957, realizing that, by a lucky accident of birth, I was born American. I didn't take that for granted but was oh so grateful for it, even as young as 10. It came from being in a military family that respected the Commander-in-Chief no matter his politics because he was the boss. And it continues to come from the dream that every American wants: a piece of land and a home to call his/her own in a nation of laws and rights that cannot be Constitutionally taken away. (We won't get into the recent challenges of the same-sex marriage thing. It will resolve, in time.)
Attack us? You will arouse a formidable foe. Speak ill of us? See where that gets you. Ignore us? We will continue to live our lives as if you don't exist. Life in the United States isn't all puppies and rainbows, but it is better than anywhere else in the world, hands down. I came into this life loving our great nation, and I will die the same way. I always believed that God was on our side, and I still do, no matter what others may say. We can be misguided but we are still righteous enough to get His blessings on our country. I can hardly get through The Star Spangled Banner without tearing up. A military flyover gets my blood flowing red, white, and blue. TAPS? Not a dry eye... And so it goes. What I feel is pride and love and security, which Luda and Sergei will probably never understand because they weren't born here and have gone through so many political changes in their lives in Russia. Still, I want to enfold them in my arms and say, "You are with us now. Welcome home!"
May God bless these people and this reunion. It won't be an easy adjustment for anyone, but it is certainly something worth fighting for!
God bless America, and God bless those who take it as their country of choice!
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