Let's See...Where Was I?

I departed for my sister's in Illinois, near Springfield, on Wednesday last. I decided to have the oil changed in my car before I left, so I got a later start than hoped, but the oil change was long overdue. Just as I pulled out of the Car X place, I noticed that my sister had called my cell. She had taken her hubby to PromptMed for an ear problem and was hoping that we wouldn't miss each other. Nope! I told her I would be there by 3:00, Illinois time. I was actually in their drive two minutes early!

I had minor rain for the whole trip. No biggie...but what I also had was major police patrols! More in IL than in IN...but I bet I saw a police car at least every 25 miles. One dude was actually standing outside his cruiser holding a radar gun pointed at traffic!

My sister and husband had remodeled their kitchen...mostly just new appliances. It was all lovely, of course. We did some Thanksgiving preparations...cutting cheese blocks, chopping onions and celery for stuffing, etc....but mostly just talked and visited. Dakota, the Siberian husky pup, was in doggy day care until Saturday. It was all good.

Thanksgiving morning, I was up earlier than they (due to time difference), so we just vegged until time to start meal prep. It is our family's tradition to put out major hors d'oevres instead of a noon meal: crackers and cheeses; shrimp and cocktail sauce; chips and dips (almost always California Onion Dip, among others; taco chips and homemade salsa, etc. I ate the dickens out of the stuff but couldn't even make a dent in the shrimp or cheeses or chips and dips!

When everyone began to arrive, the house came alive. All of Shari's children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren (except for Laurie's tribe, due to husband Danny's illness) showed up. We ate very well. Shari read Popo's Grace from the framed cross-stitch on the wall. It was special. (Popo was our grandfather. I put his traditional family grace in cross stitch just afer he died in 1985.) After dinner, games were played and it was a fun day. The children were good as gold--all boy-children: Nicky, Tyler, Carson, Cooper. Ryan would have loved playing with them. Poor Robin would have been the only girl-child in the lot...but she wasn't there...

On Friday, we attended a fund-raising event at the State Fairgrounds...Festival of Trees. Different businesses decorate trees based on themes...then other businesses bid on them for their establishments, to benefit a locaql hospital There is entertainment, crafts for children, a train ride around the grounds, etc. Shari's whole family showed up. I had been there a couple of times before...once with my grandchildren. It was a good day.

Saturday, I had thought that we could take a trip to Jacksonville to find the grave of an ancestor who had been a resident of the Jacksonville State Hospital for the Insane and had died and been buried there. I got on the Internet to do some research to determine what we would be looking for. After awhile, I came to the conclusion that there was probably no marker on his grave, so we scrapped the trip.

Yesterday, Sunday, we had a homemade (delicious) brunch with the family that wasn't there for Thanksgiving. Shortly thereafter, it was time for me to leave in order to get home before dark. Well...I miscalculated "dark" in Indiana. Left Shari's at 1:30 IN time...didn't get back by dark. Meantime, I had stopped to get gas near Springfield before departure. The gas pump wouldn't accept my card. Went inside...still no acceptance. Huh?? Fortunately, I had enough cash to get by. When I finally got home through some major rain, I hit up my bank website. There was plenty of money in the account. Apparently the gas station's scanners had a problem. Will always carry cash from now on!!

All was well at home. Just needed some recovery time. Have done some of that today, too. Guess I won't be seeing my grandchildren on the weekend of the 11th with Megan. She is making her own plans. Don't know when/if I will ever get to see my daughter again. She is in control.

Thanksgiving down. Christmas to go.

Happy Thanksgiving

The cares of the world step aside for this day. No one is allowed to have regrets. It's all about thanking God for his blessings. I have many.

Thank you, God, for my little house. I fought hard to keep it, through bankruptcy and foreclosure...forbearance payments. It's all good. I still have a roof over my head. It ain't much, baby, but it's all I've got!

Thank you, God, for my family. I don't understand my daughter right now, and she has shut me out of her life, which is typical of how she handles things, but I still love her. Even more, thank you for the gift of my grandchildren who have been the lights of my life. My sister, God bless her, has been my cheerleader and friend. I thank You for her, her husband, and her children.

Thank you, God, for my friends. Dear Lord, what would I have done without my friends??!! Judy and Phil, Ryan and Bonnie, Mike B., Mike W., Jenny, Phyllis, Cal, Major Pat, Adam, Bill, Fred and Sharon, Harold and Joann, the nurses at rehab, the Daves, John, and others who have buoyed me up when I have sagged. May God bless you all for your help and faithfulness!

Thank you, God for rescuing me, once again, from a life-threatening health situation. The ruptured brain aneurysm was Divine Intervention. The heart attack was another indication that You cared. I'm not sure why I have been spared, considering the circumstances...but I am grateful. The future is up to the Almighty. I am doing the best I can to listen.

This holiday isn't about turkey. It's about the sacrifices that our forefathers made in order to establish this great country, and giving thanks to God for how it all happened. As we are given, so should we give. I'm doing the best I can. For those who pray, please pray for me and my family, as I will pray that God continues to bless you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Plumber

I have been using the same plumbing company out of Mooresville, IN, for a number of years. Why? Because they are more reasonably priced than most...and that matters to me. It's kind of funny, though. I end up having to call them about every two-three years to root out my sewer (due to tree roots), and we are pretty much on a first-name basis. When they pulled up today, I said, "We've got to stop meeting like this." The head dude said, "How long has it been?" I said, "Just about normal." He went right to the sewer cleanout and got to work. No other questions needed. Everything seems to be flowing nicely now, but the mess still isn't cleaned up. (I'll get to it later. Ugh!)

I am now officially "graduated" from cardiac rehab. The whole 12-week experience, while hitting at a particularly horrible time in my life, has been a huge and positive learning curve for me. I can't say enough nice things about the RNs there! And now, the charge is for me to carry on what has been started: the weight loss, the exercise, monitoring blood pressure, etc. (Yes, I do have a BP machine. The RNs helped me learn how to use it.) I believe my sister and bro-in-law still have a treadmill which I intend to use when I am there for Thanksgiving; then after the holiday, will have to MAKE myself use the membership to Plainfield's Rec Center that I just acquired, at least three times a week. Five is better. It's a discipline...like getting up on Sunday to go to church. Just do it!

Tomorrow will be a day to get a few things done: oil change, laundry, shopping for a few food items for Thanksgiving, and lunch with a friend. I put together a garbage bag of grandson Ryan's outgrown clothes to take to my grand-niece who has three little boys...and a couple of brand new electric blankets that she says she will take. Also packing a bunch of my sister's canning jars, and a special present that I bought last June. (Have to get help getting it in the car. It's heavy!) Not saying what it is because she reads this blog!

Every time I feel down, I get online to watch Oprah's Flash Mob Dance. What a treat! Those folks knew they pulled off something fantastic. Wish I could have been there, but I enjoy watching it on video because I can see so much more than I could have had I been part of the mob.

Can't wait to see my grandbabies again. I miss them so much!!

But Wait! There's More!

In the "Why Me?" category, the toilet is back in my news today. Or rather, toiletS. Wasn't very ambitious after church today, so I decided to get the laundry caught up in preparation for the upcoming holiday. Did a load of towels. Then noticed that the bathroom rug was wet. Hmmm... A little investigation showed that the toilet had overflowed. Checked the back bathroom commode. It, too, had overflowed...and stuff had come up in the bathtub. Not good! the plumber is called for an appearance tomorrow, but everything has come to a roaring halt. There won't be any more laundry or flushing done today! Can't even wash the bathroom rugs... now I have to get inspired to change clothes and go clean up the messes. Ugh! I was going to get a long-overdue oil change for my car tomorrow, but now will be awaiting the plumber...

The service at church today was pretty much all Scripture and music--Christ the King Day. End of the liturgical calendar. The opening number was a gorgeous song played with a drum and two bagpipes, with a Power Point presentation on the projection screen, "Who Do You Say I Am?" It absolutely knocked my socks off. So powerful!

Colts remain undefeated. Yay!

Yesterday's Post

Bulldogs W.
Sorry, but try as I might, I could't find the way to delete that or edit it! Somehow, it was "published" without benefit of correction.

What I was TRYING to convey was that my former school's football team had just beaten Paoli in the semi-state game held here in Plainfield. Bulldogs Win! The unbeaten Monrovia Bulldogs are going to state! They will play Friday at the Colts' very own, brand new Lucas Oil Stadium. Too bad I can't be there! This is the first time in the history of the school that the team is in state competition. What a great year these kids have had! The seniors are having an experience that they will remember for the rest of their lives. Just as sweet, Monrovia's band, the Bulldog Brigade, has also had a winning year. They ALSO went to state competition and get to perform their award-winning program at the stadium during halftime. I love this for them! Good luck, Monrovia Bulldogs and Bulldog Brigade! I love you guys!

One of my friends took me to Five Guys for a burger lunch today. Had never heard of it before he mentioned it a few weeks ago. This place just opened but is all the rage. The place was packed! The burger was good, even if I'm not supposed to have things like that. I did turn down the fries, although I love them. It's a sacrifice! He also relieved me of old computer equipment that has been taking up space in my bedroom for well over a year. He may find that he just needs to pitch it!!

Here's an interesting situation: since the stuff hit with my daughter, I have been unable to sleep, and eating has been spotty. After an incident on Tuesday when I saw the real lay of the land with her, something clicked in my brain. I have slept soundly every night since! The "interesting" part of things is that, even though I wasn't sleeping before, I also wasn't tired during the days. Although I have had three nights of decent sleep, I found myself needing a nap today. Go figure! My appetite is back. That's not necessarily a good thing...

I joined Plainfield's Recreation Center yesterday. Cardiac rehab is about to end, and I know that I need to take up the slack somehow because I'm not the kind of person who will brave the cold weather in order to exercise. Thankfully, my best girlfriend is also going to join, so we will walk and cackle on a daily basis, I hope! Rehab has been a good thing. I've learned a lot about my heart and BP through it all. BP is always way down after exercise. Wish they could bottle the stuff that makes that happen!! My heart rate takes a bit longer to go down after exercise. That troubles me a bit, but my heart rate has always been high...even when I was a "fit" kid, back in the days... After Thanksgiving, Phyl and I will walk and talk. God willing.

And in the TMI range, I went to Menard's in Camby today to buy a toilet seat. Why, you might ask? Well...the last one was painted wood. (I hate those.) With a little guy in the house moving the seat up and down, there were chips in the paint, and I never could get the seat to stay centered. It moved when the occupant moved. More than once, it pinched my ample leg between the seat and the porcelain. Actually got a "strawberry" mark on my leg one time. Yuck! Then recently--something I've never seen before--one of the little plastic pads that helps keep the seat from connecting on the porcelain just wasn't there. Where did it go? I have no clue! Must have been flushed! Okay...so, for the first time in my life, I bought a $28 toilet seat. Stay tuned to see if it works out! Too Much Information!

I miss my grandbabies! I still deal with their rooms and their clothing every day. Still plan for activities when they are here. I asked to have them this weekend, but both were home sick from school (and asleep when I called)...and Robbie had a birthday party to attend, if well enough. Will have to come up with a plan for future visits so they can see their friends and know that this house will always be theirs, as long as I live. Don't know what to do with Megan's room. Move Robin in there? Move ME in there? Decisions, decisions...

Life moves on. Church tomorrow. Need more clothes!

Bulldogs W

Messed Up

Didn't get all of yesterday's goals accomplished today, but I did keep on keepin' on.

I am to be "sprung" from cardiac rehab next week, which means that I need to take up the slack on my own. Went to the Plainfield Rec Center (again) to buy a membership. Need only now to make myself do the walk!

Nathan's father went through hell on his way back from delivering Grandma Judy to her sister's and daughter's for a visit in the south. I didn't add it all up, but I think it came to well over $1,000. Ugh!

I can hear cheering from my patio this evening. Monrovia's Bulldogs meet Paoli tonight at Plainfield for semi-state...for the first time in the history of Monrovia. Their band will play at half-time. I should be there! I'm just not... Go Bulldogs!!!

Thanksgiving approaches. I wish things were different, but they aren't...so I will drive to Illinois and contribute what I can to the feast. I will miss my grandbabies, but I'm not invited to their Thanksgiving. New realities. New times.

I think, after Tuesday's events, that I have turned a corner. My appetite is back. I have slept the last two nights. My acceptance of things is "only God can make a tree". I can't make sense of things in my life, but I am beginning to accept that I am not the one in control. Neither is the one who thinks she is!

Good night!

So I Failed!

I did wake up to forced spiritual thoughts. "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Then I turned my attention to the errands I had been putting off. Picked up my meds at the pharmacy, got some new lipstick (hey...it can be a big deal!), called for a haircut appointment, went to the Plainfield Rec Center to buy a membership. Um...well...my driver's license wasn't enough to get me "resident" senior rates at the Rec Center...so I went home to gather the bills to fix that. In the meantime, my haircut appointment occurred. Then met friend Adam for supper.

So I completed my daily goals EXCEPT I didn't do anything around the house. Wait! Does loading the dishwasher count? Maybe I actually succeeded????

Tomorrow, I will seek to get the car's oil changed, call Social Security about getting a chunk of my ex's benefits (although it won't reduce his, nor will he even know...unless he is reading this!!).

I called my grandchildren's stepmother about having the kids this weekend. It seems that Robin has a birthday party to go to, but both were home, sick, when I called...both asleep. :( Will try again after Thanksgiving.

Got a letter from the teacher's pension place indicating that my benefits should show up on December 1st "within ten days". I am hoping that direct deposit will make that immediate. Have been trying to exist on SS alone. Had to borrow some $$ to get through. When it all shows up, I will be in good shape...except for the zillions of $$ of medical expenses. Ugh!

Sent Megan an unanswered email about a check that arrived here for her...for a textbook rental refund from Plainfield schools that **I** applied for. When will I give it up??

Thanksgiving approaches. The feast means nothing without family. I will miss my daughter and grandchildren, but I will be welcomed into my family roots. Meg and Denis could be there, too, but they choose not to be. No big surprise. They are missing a huge opportunity to be part of a family. I can't fix it.

My goals for tomorrow: oil change for the car, SS call, another call to a gal in charge of my 403B account...nothing fun! Have to shift gears to find Christmas decorations...for the children. I want to keep things somewhat normal for them. They deserve so much more than what they got!

A New Day

I have decided that, in order to get through each day, I need to focus on things that I can change...and I'm starting with my spirituality. Every day, I will attend to one Bible verse; complete at least one errand that I have been putting off; complete at least one home task that has needed doing; and reach out to someone who is in pain. Something clicked in my brain yesterday. The mindless hurting is over, even if I can only WILL it so.

What clicked? I'm not sure. I had an "incident" yesterday with my daughter that made things pretty clear to me. It's over now. I am acutely aware that the two months of stress I've been under is destroying my heart and health. Time to get over it.

The good news:
A. The biopsies of the "thingies" that I had removed a month ago have come back as "normal".
B. I am to be "graduated" from cardiac rehab next week. That doesn't mean that I am well. It only means that I've been through 12 weeks of monitored rehab and now need to take responsibility for exercise myself. I am joining the Plainfield Rec Center and will now have to force myself to get there daily. My BP is always lower after exercise. Go figure!

I can't say enough good things about the nurses at the Rehab Center. They have been supportive, sympathetic, attentive, and just all-around good people. I will have to do something nice for them before I leave.

The one "funny" for the day: In rehab, we were using elastic bands for resistance exercises. The nurse leading us said, "Bring the band up to your belly or your chest, whichever comes first." I accused her of making an old-lady joke and told her I'd get even! (I was the only woman in the group.) Bah! Humbug!

:)

Revelation

Was in bed a few minutes ago...feeling bad and wondering when life would be better again...and had a moment of epiphany. Remembering my father, who (so long ago) endured untold torture to get through Mom's death, a broken hip, a replaced knee, and (finally) throat cancer and congestive heart failure in a short span of only a few years. He never complained, God bless him...but he suffered as I am suffering now. His children gave as we could without ever really understanding what he must have gone through. I get it now, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't understand then.

Mind Tricks

I don't know why weekends and mornings are so bad for me. Yesterday (Sunday) I was waiting for my family to get up...then realized that my family isn't here. It reminded me of the times, so long ago, that I would be walking down the aisles of a grocery store looking for things and thinking, "I need to call Dad for that recipe"...then realizing that Dad was gone. Or the times that the phone would ring and I would pick up, expecting to hear my mother on the other end...only to hear a dial-tone. My mother had passed on a few weeks before.

Life isn't reality. Life is perception of reality. When the perception is wrong, it hurts.

This holiday season isn't going to be great. I will go to my sister's for the Thanksgiving holiday. Christmas, however, is still up for grabs. This will be the first Christmas in thirty years that I will not be with my daughter...the focus of most of my adult life. She is moving to California with her boyfriend. Selfishly, I wonder what is to become of me without her. Guess I'll have to figure it out soon, won't I?

Went to lunch today with friend Bill and his cousin. Skipped rehab because I needed a nap. I'm not sleeping at night. Ironic, isn't it, that when I was a working lady, I used to dream about the ability to sleep in...and now that I am retired and COULD sleep in, I am awake from 2:30 AM on? Life isn't fair!

Thank you to all who read this and care about me. I am still in a reclusive mood. I resent those who tell me what to do to feel better. They care, but they don't get it. I am working on this the absolute best I can. I will never, ever, be the same...but I'm not dead yet.

Another Lovely Day

Yesterday (Friday) I took my blind friend, Bill, out to get a birthday card and present for his wife. He buried his mother on Thursday. Friday (today) was his wife's 50th birthday. What a pickle to be in! After he got his card and present, we went to Walmart to buy booze. Why? All of his family was in town for the funeral!

I was reminded of the times when my family gathered for funerals. Since the farmhouse only had two bedrooms, the rest of us spent one or two nights in a motel (Town and Country in Streator, IL). We saw our cousins and spouses so rarely that we congregated in the motel lounge at the end of the ceremonies to visit and catch up. The same funeral home in Streator has buried my entire family...both grandparents, mother, father, toddler sister, two uncles, one aunt, brother...not to mention the generations before.

Megan came by yesterday afternoon. I'm not totally sure why she was in town and not at work, but she ate some lunch that she had imported and took some of her things that I was cleaning out. (There is a lot!!) Then left for work. She is leaving for California with her boyfriend just before Christmas. Apparently they have marriage plans somewhere down the road. I didn't have the heart to ask if "they" want a family. I don't want to know the answer to that after what has transpired here...

I am not sleeping well. I'm not napping, so that isn't the problem. Past midnight, I wake up and look at the clock every hour or two. I leave the TV on all night, for company. Don't know if that's the problem, or what. This has been going on for awhile. Medicine related? Emotional instability? Will be looking into county services for depressed seniors. So far, I haven't found anything...

The Fort Wayne (IN) Hamfest was today and tomorrow. I didn't go. Have no money to squander and no radio "needs"...and didn't really want to make nice-nice with people who seem hell-bent on telling me what to do to feel better. Still, I wish I had gone, if for no reason than for the distraction for a few hours. It's a 3-hour trip up there and 3 hours back. Ugh!

For some reason, mornings are hell for me. All of my hurt feelings emerge in the early part of the day. Tomorrow is another day.

Drama?

My daughter will tell you that my feelings represent "drama". Interesting. I don't think I have ever had my feelings so dismissed before. If it works for her, so be it.

Veteran's Day always represents emotions for me. My entire family--father, brother, aunt, uncle--were veterans in the service of our country. All but Aunt Rosie are now deceased. Rose Anne Armstrong McPherson, I am thinking of you this day!

Went to the visitation of my friend's mother this afternoon after my cardiac rehab. After a three year battle with cancer, she is at peace. I think her family is, too. Their long vigil is over. She had her family around her. No one could ask for more.

Time for bed, although early. As usual, I didn't sleep last night so feel tired early. Wish this cycle would end!

Ciao.

Dealing With the Truth?

I have my days and nights mixed up. I fall asleep early, then wake up at ungodly hours of the wee morning, unable to go back to sleep. I stay in bed and continue to try to drop back off, but am often unsuccessful until almost time to get up. THEN I fall asleep for a couple of hours. And, of course, because I was up so early, I am tired and fall asleep early...and the whole cycle starts over again. I am, unfortunately, intimately familiar with late-night television programming...and it ain't good!

The mother of one of my good friends has died. I will be going to the visitation tomorrow evening. Haven't decided about the actual funeral. Don't know how well I can handle it. Bill (my friend) and two of his four siblings are blind, due to an inherited condition known as retinitis pigmentosa. In spite of that, they have all taken turns staying with their mother at the end of her long illness, at home. Mercifully, she died in her sleep. God bless them all for their faithfulness to her.

I have done a load of dishes today and three loads of laundry, so far. (Only one load left.) Since the temperature outside has been okay, I should have been outside raking leaves, but since they are still coming down, it seems futile. My productivity is somewhat down recently, but I try to keep situations under control, one step at a time.

My big issue these days is depression. I did so look forward to retirement. Less stress. More time to get things done. Then there was the heart attack on August 1st. I understood the risks and I understood the needed changes in lifestyle. What I didn't understand was the depression that would follow. When the HA happened, there was a feeling of helplessness. Lying on the gurney in the ambulance, I was aware that my heart was doing weird things and I had absolutely no control over it. I spent four days in the hospital, totally at everyone's mercy. Two of those days only happened because my heartbeat was so stable by the time I got there that hospital personnel saw no need to call someone in to do the angiogram/stent. I was lucky?

Two years before, I had a ruptured brain aneurysm. Coming out of that without disability was "lucky". I felt blessed. After the heart attack, however, I felt cursed. I was suddenly strapped to six pills a day...cardiac rehab...no salt...no fat... What was I to eat? Processed foods are supposedly out. Whatever. No one ever explained to me that there would be depression about getting old and sick after so many years of so much activity. But I still had my family to do for...my daughter and my grandchildren gave me purpose. Then all of that suddenly ended. At the end of September, custody of my grandchildren was given to their father...and now my daughter is moving to California. Thirty years of faithfulness to her and seven years of faithfulness to my grandchildren has been rewarded with loneliness.

You know what is unfair about all of this (aside from the obvious)? ALL of my life, I have lived with what I would describe as "no regrets". I have always given the best I had to everyone I loved so that I wouldn't die thinking I could have done better. I did the best I could...more than the best I could...and now face the ultimate end alone. My daughter won't talk to me...hides from me online...so she can do what she does without having to deal with me. It's pretty difficult to think about the holidays for the children....and me.

When Megan showed up unannounced on my doorstep with the kids, never to return to her marriage, I did what I had to do. I wept because I knew how much the children loved their yard in Muncie, but we made do. We spent tens of thousands of dollars to make the house acceptable for the children and our circumstances. Everything was going well until the emergence of Meg's relationship with Denis. She denies it, but I watched it all transpire.

So what is the purpose of doing too much so there will be no regrets? Doesn't matter now. I am trying to deal with the truth, even though I hate it. I can't change it or fix it. All I want out of life right now is one day...ONE day...without tears.

I pray to God that my grandchildren will someday come to understand why their mother chose to give them up. I never will.

Time for an Update?

On Friday, I met my grandchildren's stepmother in Castleton (Indy's northeast side) at Trader Joe's at 1:30 PM to make a kid trade. Apparently they didn't have school that day. When we arrived back home, we had decided to surprise the neighbor friend, Jack, at the school bus an hour later. The bus arrived, but Jack didn't get off! That could only mean that Jack didn't go to school... That threw things into a bit of a tizzy. Turns out, Jack wasn't really sick...just kind of malingering...so the kids got to play with him outside in the leaves while his mother raked until dark.

The children and I went to Deals, which is what? Five minutes from home?? Suddenly Ryan had a bathroom emergency...then so did Robin. We had to ask a worker for restroom instructions...in the employee storeroom, dirty and dark...but we got the job done.

Robin got a bath. Ryan was instructed to get jammies on. By the time I got both to bed on Friday, it was easily 10:00 or shortly thereafter. Bless them, they both went right to sleep. No begging to sleep with Grandma or to watch TV.

Saturday was to be a special day for Ryan. We--his family on this side--were celebrating his 6th birthday early since he would be gone on his real birthdate next weekend. I was up quite early, but so were the children! After giving them breakfast, I washed the kitchen floor, chose their outfits, took a shower, and waited for Megan and her boyfriend to arrive.

The plan for the day was to take the children, plus the neighbor friends, to Monster Mini Golf in Avon, then have the neighbor kids' grandpa pick up his grandchildren so we could go to Olive Garden for supper with the Heffelman grandparents, then meet at my house for cake, ice cream, and presents. (Actually, the neighbor kids [5 and 9], were invited to the whole day, but their mother told me they didn't do well in restaurants because they are picky eaters, etc.)

But first, back to Deals...this time to pick up balloons. We got four...one that Ryan specially pickedf out...and three more that Robin decided were good for her and the neighbor children. Okay...but since it was windy, I took control of the balloons before we left the store. Ugh!! The exact balloon that Ryan declared was to be his got yanked off the string by the wind. It sailed off into the blue. Nothing to do but go back to the store to buy another. Ugh!

My grandchildren got bored by about the 15th hole of the 18-hole golf course. Little Grace never did get into it. We decided to leave early. While we waited for Jack and Grace's grandpa to arrive, the kids played arcade games. Ryan and Jack were playing air hockey...and the next thing I knew, little Grace was crying, "I want to go home!" I thought she had gotten hurt. More likely, the boys wouldn't let her play. Thankfully, their grandfather showed up that instant and she settled down. The rest of us retired to Olive Garden.

Ryan loves Olive Garden which is why we chose that as his birthday dinner place. Could have been cheaper elsewhere, but he's my only grandson and deserves what he loves! Megan, Denis, Robin, Ryan, and me were in attendance. Grandma Judy and Grandpa Phil showed up shortly thereafter...then Uncle Dan. We had a nice visit, then retired to my house for cake and presents. (The neighbor children came over for that.)

Ryan tore into his presents. Gone are the days of playing with each one as it is opened! Jack kept saying, "Let me help you. Oh...I have that. I have that one, too." Blah, blah. And as soon as everything was opened, Ryan was playing with his new toys. Jack complained that he wanted to go home because Ryan wasn't playing with him. I sent him and his sister back to their house (right next door) since the time for Megan and Denis to take the children to Terre Haute for an overnight.

Megan brought the children back here a little after 1:00 PM on Sunday. Apparently they had been to a play park...and apparently Robin had been bored with the "play" between Denis and Ryan. Here, they played a little bit with Jack, but when he went inside, it was clearly time for us to prepare for our trip to the northeast side to meet their father.

When we got to the "north split", there were signs saying that there was a "load spill" and that the right two lanes were closed. Things started to slow down as we got near. I called Nathan at 4:00 saying that we were tied up. He was still 25 miles out of town. As we soon got past the overturned semi, we made good time and pulled in at Trader Joe's right behind Nathan. (When I got to the same location on the opposite-bound road, the semi was still on its side...but the backup went clear to Harding Street. Whew! )

This weekend, Megan announced to her children that she is moving to California with Denis just before Christmas. I was only apprised a couple of days earlier. Apparently, she is totally okay with leaving us all behind...being a mother by web cam, letter, and phone call. She doesn't talk to me because she doesn't want to deal with my feelings. She speaks eloquently about how this is "best for the children" and "best for [me]"...but she didn't consult any of us before she made her unilateral decisions. She says it has nothing to do with her relationship with Denis...which is total nonsense. I was here and watched the progression. I am coming to deal with the holidays sans my daughter, for the first time in 30 years. She'll figure out her own life, as she wants it. All I have done for her and with her is collateral damage. I'm scared to fall asleep at night for fear I won't wake up and no one will be here to find me. I can't fix it. I never believed, in my wildest dreams, that I would be so alone in life after working so hard for my daughter and grandchildren. As my brother-in-law says, "That's what having kids does to you." I always wanted to believe HIS kids did this. Guess what?? (You get the picture.)

I think my little Ryan had a good pseudo-birthday. He now considers himself Catholic. God bless my grandchildren. They didn't deserve what they got...

I Want My Mommy!

So many things to do... So many decisions to make... I'm doing the best I can.

My grandchildren will be here tomorrow afternoon. I miss them so much! I was in Robin's room this afternoon, putting away some clothing, and totally lost it. My reaction actually kind of surprised me. I thought I was so much more healed. So many changes, so soon and without warning... I make no apologies for my tears. I'm not over this yet...

Every day is a new experience. I worked on the living room yesterday, putting things in place where they were before I adopted Meg and Nathan's dog...who is now over the Raibow Bridge. I put the children's bedrooms together. Still haven't finished painting the bathroom, but no one will be here long enough to care.

I finally finalized the weekend's plans. Ryan's birthday deal. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it isn't because I haven't tried! God bless my little dude. He deserves more than he got.

Nightie. I still have things to do!

Busy

Busy in my brain, perhaps...but don't have a lot to show for my day. Have cleaned some. Picked up blind friend Bill from his work site, had lunch, and took him home. His mother is dying of lung cancer. He and his family are having to make hospice decisions now. So very sad...

I have the opportunity to acquire updated kitchen appliances from my sister. She and her husband have remodeled their kitchen (although I'm not sure why because it was already gorgeous). Everything they have to give away is an upgrade from what I have. All I need to figure out is how to go to Illinois to get them! Heh heh...my microwave is 28 years old. The stove and refrigerator are close to that. The dishwasher is 14. If I can find a way to get the "new" ones and have them installed, I'll be ahead of the "game". Wish me luck! The refrigerator has been promised to my grand-niece. Guess I'll just have to suck that one up!

I've been working on the house in anticipation of having my grandchildren here for my grandson's birthday party. I do so miss them! Megan and I are working on getting things figured out. Some details have not cooperated. Somehow, it will all happen.

Stay tuned.

Another Monday

Ran some errands today, then did cardiac rehab. Puttered around the house some. Did some research into a venue for my grandson's birthday party this weekend. Other than that, not much else accomplished. Such is life!

Forgot to Mention...

Since the last time I drove to Chicago (July), "wind farms" have sprung up in northern Indiana. Along one huge stretch of I-65, there are literally hundreds of windmills, from close to the road to as far as the eye can see to the east. Pretty impressive!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jkgroove/2369693058/

I slept in this morning, thanks to our return to Standard Time. It will get dark early this afternoon...and we had yet another frost last night. Welcome to November!