In a Perfect World...

Ceiling fans would not collect dust.
Bugs would not die and fall to the floor in hard-to-reach places.
Sauces would not splatter out of the pan onto the stove.
Cobwebs would not collect on the ceilings and walls.
My daughter wouldn't be 2,000 miles away.
My grandchildren would not be 5 hours away.
My sister wouldn't be 4 hours away.
I wouldn't be fat.
My yard would mow itself.
There would be more money left at the end of the month.
I wouldn't be afraid each night that I won't wake up in the morning.
Television programming would include SOMETHING for us old folks...not just for the under-35 crowd.
I would know more about computers and electronics.
I would have planned better for retirement so I would not be so strapped for funds at the end of each month.
I would have more than two nightgowns.
My life would be better organized.
My grandchildren and I could be more in touch.
I would have more adequate clothing.
I would quit wishing for a perfect world!

Red Letter Day!

Probably no one will appreciate this, except maybe my daughter and grandchildren, but today I threw away a pair of shorts that I have had for at least 15 years. Maybe 20. The elastic in the waist was sprung quite a few years ago. They were threadbare. They did NOTHING for my appearance, but I have kept them as my "go-to-hell pants" forever. I could barely keep them up anymore. When I cast them into the gar-bauge, I said a little prayer for their safe arrival into clothing heaven. Then I looked in my closet and realized that MOST of what I have is in the same category as those shorts. Too big, too small, too inappropriate, out of date. You get the picture. I need more money to beef up my wardrobe. Or a sugar daddy. Any takers??

Tossing a piece of clothing goes against a grain. My mother didn't throw away all clothing. Some got cut up (particularly underwear) and was put in the "rag bag". I was their generation's version of recycling. Buttons were cut off to put in a button jar...for possible future use. How wasteful we are now! Problem is, I don't have enough space to store everything, so I buy rags and throw away clothing...

Got into grandson Ryan's room today to pick it up after his last visit. Ack! He has a toy bin assembly in there...but one of the bins is missing. The only place it can be is at the neighbor's. I went over there but only got 5-year-old Grace who announced after a 5-second look that he didn't leave it there. Ugh!

At least I actually did some work today. Should have done outside things since it was so beautiful, but I keep pluggin' on the inside. Worked on sorting DVDs into their various cases. Dusted some. Did some laundry. Did some cleaning/sorting. The problem with cleaning out hot spots is that I manage to trash the rest of the house in the process of sorting. Right now, I have a huge pile of things to donate. Gave up two night stands today to a charity sponsored by my church. They belong to my parents' bedroom suite, but I have no room for them. They were taking up major space in a couple of closets... I hope someone needs them enough to love them.

Note to my daughter (who never reads this)--I have NO clothing worthy of donating except for the fantastic sweatshirts that my sister has given me through the years. When I croak, save the sweatshirts. Pitch the rest!

Dry Heat

People laugh about other people who visit Arizona and say, "It was 103 degrees, but it was a dry heat, so it didn't feel that hot." The laughers' rationale is that 103 is 103--still hot by human standards. Well, I am here to tell you that humidity DOES make a huge difference in the perception of heat. We have had record-setting temps the last few days, but the humidity is way down. It doesn't feel nearly as bad as it did, say, over Memorial Day weekend for the Indy 500 (the hottest 500 on record)! I'll take the dry heat over the muggy stuff any day!

Indianapolis has had 37 days (and counting) of temperatures in the 90s, when the average is 18 days. We never hit 100 degrees, except in the heat indices, which is the summer's equivalent to a wind chill factor. Still, it was uncomfortable enough that I didn't feel good about letting the grandchildren play outside when they were here. Then there were the mosquitoes caused by extremely wet weather in the early summer. Now, all that has dried up, big time. We are five inches short of rainfall, starting in late July. Lawns are crispy. Perennials are all but dead. Fields of crops are catching fire and consuming thousands of acres of farmers' incomes--plus a few homes. About half the state of Indiana is under burn bans. (Too bad for people who are camping and would like to have a nice campfire in the evening.) I guess the temperatures will be much lower for the weekend. (It's about time!) I'm no meteorologist, but I'm guessing that this break will represent the last of the hot days for the season. I hate to see summer go, but I do look forward to more pleasant days, even if they are shorter in duration.

I do like autumn! I cheered myself up a bit today by locating my box of fall decorations and spiffed up the place a bit with it. It's not nearly as garish as Christmas stuff, so I like it.

My dear friends and co-grandparents are spending the weekend in Zion, IL, with their son, daughter-in-law, and our grandchildren...in their brand-new car! They have purchased a white Toyota Venza. Very pretty! I will have to hide mine, now. Can't have the two buggies next to one another! (Unless they want to breed. Hmmm... Is this a possibility?)

I did get off my fanny today and actually did some work. Work?? That's an action verb, I guess. Time to go do more of it...

Pickle Packers!

My Sunday School class sells pickles as a fundraiser. (Sechler Pickles from St. Joe, IN--never heard of it!) In any case, the orders were picked up and delivered today, so sorters were required. Twelve of us showed up to match pickle jars with orders. It can get complicated! We started around 3:30 (although the guys already had the pickles unloaded), and finished about 6:00. I'm told that it was earlier than usual. One of the mistakes in orders was mine. That won't happen again!

When we were done, we went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I did enjoy the fellowship. Ate too much, as usual...

The Heffelman grandparents have bought a brand new vehicle. It's beautiful! Judy was going to take me for a spin after the pickle sorting, but it didn't happen due to dinner, etc. I won't be able to bring myself to drive Judy anywhere after seeing her very clean buggy! (Mine is trashed.) Stuff happens!

I have to buy a printer ink cartridge tomorrow. It's a shame that I have to choose between food and a cartridge, but those darn things are expensive!! I'm teaching Sunday School for the month of October. Have to have clean copy for what we are going to do...and clean copy means new cartridge. Sometimes, the cartridges are more expensive than a new printer. It's not funny!

It's late. Off to bed with me.

Nothing to say

I haven't updated recently because I have had nothing positive to say. Had tried to talk to my daughter about a sensitive subject, but got majorly shot down...again.

In the meantime, we have had record hot temperatures (dry humidity, with wind)...so there have been field fires that threaten homes. Today's detail got into homes near the airport...just 7 miles east of here.

I have watered my perennial plants too late. I hope they will come up next year, but I can't be certain.

I have been told that my first grade grandson has been put in a second grade math class and that he reads at a fourth grade level. The kid is sharp. Just wish I understood him! The granddaughter hasn't been totally assessed yet. (Or so I'm told.) She will do fine, I'm sure. Still, I miss their today little bottoms around here! I will have them over their 3-day Columbus Day weekend. Robin will be awarded a Bible from my church, even though she isn't here all the time. Her other grandparents and I will make a special occasion of it. Never mind that the children are being raised Catholic in Illinois. Can't have too many Bibles!

I have to go help sort pickle orders at church tomorrow...and then find bean bag chairs for the grandchildren to send up to Zion, IL, with the other grandparents next weekend. I will be teaching Sunday School for the month of October. God help me!!

Hello?

My sister is upset that I have not updated my blog since Saturday. This is for you, Shari!

I was watching Oprah today and heard Wynona Judd talk about how she didn't really know her mother. She sounded so sincere about her efforts to understand what motivated the biggest influence in her life. Of course, I personalized that. My sister and I have spent so much time in life being something to our children that I'm not sure any of our children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren have thought about what makes us tick. Which brings me to the notion: How do I wish to be remembered when I am gone?

I am totally aware that I am a care-giver. I didn't know that for a long time, but every relationship that I have tried to have in my post-divorce life has resulted in my doing the giving. The result, of course, is that I am needy because I don't have the resources left to take care of me...and I'm not willing to accept someone trying to take care of me because I'm not used to it. Make sense?? Most of my care-giving has been just rolling up my sleeves and doing what needs to be one at the moment. It's what my grandmother did and my mother did...and my sister and I just follow suit. Damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead! I'm not sure my daughter understands it all, but she isn't asking...

Shari (my sister) and I share a common experience tempered by our own realities. There are people who wonder how she could have survived in her circumstances. I envy the daylights out of her circumstances! I have recently found out that she also envies mine, for different reasons.

I'm betting that we both hope that our legacy will be that we were women of tenacity who never, ever gave up on anything. God bless you, Sister Shari...and God bless me!

September 11th, Nine Years Later

Hard to believe it has been nine years since the World Trade Center towers were hit with airplanes in the hands of terrorists. It was an awful event--"awful" in the true sense of the word: a day filled with awe and horror. I have written some blurbs about it in my memoirs for my grandchildren, along with other historic days that I have lived through, including the assassination of President Kennedy. But the truth is that there are no words that can describe that day or the days that followed. You had to be there. I wasn't. I was, like most of the rest of the country, just a spectator to a horrible event. We could share in the devastation only as sympathetic voyeurs riveted to watching an event that doesn't even compute in the human brain. What words can depict the total shock and devastation on the faces of all of those firemen who were awaiting orders, knowing that there was nothing they could do to save anyone or change a thing that was happening? The sounds of the bodies hitting the ground, after having jumped from the heights of the burning buildings? The terror of not knowing how to get out? The total hopelessness of trying to help when help was impossible? The not knowing if your loved one had survived? The moments of realization that loved ones were doomed when talking to them on cell phones, etc.?

Today, Dr. Phil (see previous post) had a guest on his TV show--a first-responder to the 9/11 tragedy who was untrained in what he would endure after 9/12. His family was at wit's end because the man has not been able to get over his experiences, and they said it would have been "easier" on them if he had died. Wow! Dr. Phil read some excerpts from the man's journal--a book that his family didn't even know existed--where he mentioned stepping on body parts, having to wait for officials to come to retrieve a skull or a hand or a torso that he had encountered. The wife and daughter didn't know about the book. I think they were aghast to hear some of it. It was the man's fault for not sharing his experiences with them...not letting them into his nightmares...but typical of things that happened to my father's generation in World War II. To protect your loved ones, you didn't share those experiences.

When I was still teaching, the play The Diary of Anne Frank was in our text.
I did my homework. In an effort to help my students understand the times, I researched individual Holocaust experiences. (I went to school with many Jewish students in the Chicago area way back when. My students didn't know a single Jewish person.) To make a long story short, I realized that there is/was a whole generation of suvivors who were hugely damaged by the things they had seen and endured--things that no human being should have to see or endure. Some wanted never to speak of it again in order to find peace. Others wanted to voice what they had experienced so no one would forget. I suspect it is the same with 9/11 survivors and witnesses.

In any case, I honor those who have been through so much more than I can even imagine. God bless them all! Makes my problems seem quite petty!

And also...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

What I'm Not Hearing...

There are sounds in summer. It IS still summer, but some of the sounds are gone.

Because of the Central Indiana draught, there are no sounds of lawn mowers. Grass just isn't growing.

There also are no songbirds in the trees at dawn. I miss that. The robins...most of them...have moved on.
(I will never forget the look on granddaughter Robin's face at dawn one early-spring morning three years ago when I called her to the front stoop to listen to the birds singing up the sun. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she heard her feathered namesakes doing their thing.)

Taking inventory of the summer (so far), I have:
1. Enjoyed a visit with my sister here for the Indy 500.
2. Enjoyed the Fourth at Hummel Park by myself. (Can't see the fireworks from my house, and couldn't bear a Fourth without that!)
3. Flew to California with my grandchildren so they could visit their mother. We ate well and had a good time. Got to see Monterey and its world-famous aquarium, Cannery Row, lots of smelly seals, Napa Valley and a winery tour, a petrified forest, a Chinese grocery store, lots of ducks, the Santa Cruz beach and boardwalk midway, and lots of greedy ducks and sea gulls.
4. Had my daughter and grandchildren here for a week or ten days for Robin's 8th birthday roller skating party in early August.
5. Had the grandchildren here after their mom's departure for a week, with the other grandparents. We saw a couple of movies, went to the Children's Museum, did the State Fair, played here and at Grandma Judy's.
6. Drove the grandchildren to their new home in Zion, IL, and stayed for almost a week. They got a chance to adjust to the new digs while preparing to enter a new school.

I guess I can't complain of having a boring summer!! I'd like to find a way to fly to California and see things without the grandchildren in tow. I usually just acquiesce to do things I think they would like...

They keep saying that we will get rain soon. We'll see. We had a shower yesterday, but it wasn't enough to make a difference.

Trying to plan for the holidays now. Once upon a time, it was easy. Now, there are so very many schedules to accommodate and so much more distance that it has become tricky. Wish me luck!

Dirty Words!

It seems that I spend 75% of my time doing nothing productive, and the other 25% TRYING to be productive but spinning my wheels.

If you had a room in your house that looked somewhat inviting and orderly, wouldn't you leave it alone? Yeah...maybe YOU would, but I decided to tackle it to organize. This used to be my bedroom, but when we remodeled the house to make room for everyone (who are now gone), it became Megan's. Until and unless I decide to move back in there, it is the "guest room". At issue are the zillions of things that Megan left behind: treasures and expensive things that I don't have the heart to throw away, even though she doesn't have the means to retrieve them...and they are too numerous and heavy to ship to California. When I started sorting through the things on the shelves in there today, I said a bunch of dirty words at what she was thinking. I kicked her out, so she likely was thinking that it was MY fault...but I don't see how she coulda/woulda/shoulda handled it all even if I didn't.

In the process of making that room seem more inviting, I have trashed the rest of the house. And considering the lovely weather we have had the last two days, I should have been outside doing needed work. Argh!

I need to be thinking about a trip to see my sister since I don't know what the holidays will bring. New realities. Life goes on!

Docca Feel

Whew! Ol' Dr. Phil really opened up a can of Whoop-Ass on a couple today! His anger so early in the show (which softened slightly a bit later) took me by surprise. Usually, I see it coming. This time, I didn't. The show was about a couple that fights constantly. Three of their four daughters (the fourth being only 5-years-old) wrote to him for help, saying they think everyone would be better off if the parents divorced, yet they stay together after 22 years of feuding "for the children".

I was one of those parents, once. I was horribly unhappy in my marriage for a lot of reasons, but I didn't want our daughter to be from a "broken home". The home was already broken! At the ripe old age of 11, Megan told me that she thought we would all be healthier if her father and I got a divorce. (This was in the midst of his affair with his secretary...and it wasn't pretty.) That's all I needed to move on. It wasn't easy, but I did the best I could through the years. And yes, eventually, "we" were all healthier. (Can't speak for him, of course.)

I watch Dr. Phil because it is the only mentally challenging show on television. I get to guess what he will say to attendees...and he is pretty consistent. A number of times, he has affirmed what I learned, instinctively, about relationships, kids, and behavior, from life experiences. For one thing, he said that a step-parent cannot be a disciplinarian unless he/she was present in the stepchildren's lives from a very early age. I was a stepmother before I was a mother and figured that one out all by myself! He also talks about how children mystically make things their fault in their minds. I have suffered endlessly about what Robin and Ryan are thinking about their situation. Then, too, he talks about how controlling behavior is about insecurity. I sure understand that on many fronts! So I watch Docca Feel and learn about me. (Granddaughter Robin used to talk about going to the "docca". I miss her little mispronunciations. They were so cute!)

Indiana has now officially met the record books with the driest August on record. I think they said we had 1/3rd of an inch of precip at the beginning of the month. Haven't had anything since. Even the weeds are dying. Grass is crispy and brown. Think I'll water the perennials, but I think it's too late...