Thinking Like a Mother

Behavioral scientists have mostly agreed that human beings do not have instincts in the pure sense of the word--behaviors that are present at birth and not influenced by learning. There has been a lot of research on the subject. Things that newborns can do--like suck and cry and pull away from pain--are really just reflexes. The notion that there are "maternal instincts" and "survival instincts" have been thwarted by women who don't want children and/or kill the ones they have, and by people who commit suicide. If there were instincts, they could/would not be changed by thinking. So much for instinctual behavior! Still, there are things that happen from which we have learned to behave in certain ways.

An experienced driver, for example, will automatically let off on the gas pedal in traffic when someone up ahead cuts in on his/her comfortable interval. A vigilant mother will move a glass of milk away from the elbows of an inattentive child. Someone skilled in the art of painting will take measures to make sure the paint isn't spilled by a careless foot or dried by leaving the lid off the can.

More and more, I find myself responding to things with my reflexes of thinking like a mother. A few years ago, when my grandson was just barely 2-years-old, I noticed him on his knees on the floor near his sister's bedroom door. She was trying to keep him out. In the back of my brain, a red flag went up. "He's going to get his fingers pinched in the hinge side of that door." I headed in that direction a split second later to remove him, but I was too late. My granddaughter closed the door on his little fingers, and because the door wouldn't close all the way, she did it again. She was only four and didn't know...but I felt horrible! I knew it would happen! His fingers looked so smashed. There was a quick trip to the emergency room which proved that the fingers weren't broken...just smushed. The doctor taped his injured fingers together so they provided support for each other, and Ryan was none the worse for wear...but Grandma was!

Here are some other things that I respond to with the knowledge of possible bad consequences due to experiences as a mom:
1. When a bottle is open, I close it immediately. Two incidents with liquid laundry detergent over the last 30 years, both my own fault, caused me to understand that the five seconds it takes to tighten a lid, or close it, far outweighs the 30 minutes (or more!) that it takes to clean up after a messy spill.
2. No matter what the promises are, eating over a carpet is never a good idea. "I won't spill!" Yeah...right.
3. Any kind of paper or flammable material on the surface of a stove must be removed instantly. It is too easy to turn on the wrong burner!
4. It isn't enough to remind a child 30 minutes early to do something. He/she must be reminded again at the point of departure. (The loss of my grandson's Nintendo DS on a flight from CA to my house comes to mind.)
5. If I use my debit card for something, I must immediately put it back where it belongs. The notion that "I'll do it later" just doesn't work. By the same token, I must put my car keys in the usual place RIGHT NOW. If I don't, the search is on when I really need them.
6. In this day of instant communications, telling one person something in the hopes that the information will be passed on adequately isn't necessarily an indication that it will happen. Follow up; follow up; follow up!
7. Assuming that you have all the facts based on what someone tells you isn't necessarily true. When I was a teacher, I made a lot of assumptions about a student's home life based on what I heard from him/her, then found out later that it wasn't the case. The same thing happened in the opposite direction. Things that the student said at home didn't necessarily happen the way the kid said. It caused me to tell parents, "I'll believe half of what your child tells me about home, if you'll believe half of what he/she tells you about school!" Listening to what my grandchildren tell me about life at home and at school make this even more poignant for me. I get it!
8. I never leave my car without stopping to ask myself if I have the key in my hand. Never. I think people who are watching think I am nuts as I hesitate before I shut the car door. It's just insurance!

Heh heh...my sister sent me an email today. She made an assumption about her eldest great-grandson who has an early June birthday. For the past three years, he has wanted a pool party at her house, so she was gearing up...but NO...this year, he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. So much for maternal instincts!