Advantages of the Single Life

I have a lot of Facebook friends, many of which are 20-30-something female former students who are in varying stages of keeping house, raising kids, maintaining a marriage, and trying to finish up college degrees. Somewhere along the line, they took the cart before the horse and are struggling to keep from burning out. Far too many of my FB friends are never-married young women who are raising toddlers alone, with no participation from the "baby daddies". They often complain about stress and loneliness and are in-and-out of relationships frequently. They seem to define themselves by whether or not there is a MAN in their lives. I bite my tongue because they don't seem to make the connection between that and how they got into the messes they are in!

I've been married, and I've been single. At this point, I've been on my own longer than I was married, both times combined. It wasn't what I would have chosen for myself, had all things been equal, but all things WEREN'T equal, so I have carried on the best way I know how. There are times when I get lonely and scared. More often than not, the loneliness is just boredom. If I get off my fanny and find things to do, it fades quickly.

I just got back from spending a few days at my sister's in Illinois. Throughout her 51 years of marriage to my brother-in-law, I have often envied the daylights out of them. They had means. They had nice things. They had a full circle of friends and a very active social life. I didn't have any of that, even when I was married. What friends "we" had were my husband's fishing or golfing or drinking buddies. I was very much left out, as was our child. In my darker moments toward the end of my marriage, I can remember thinking that I would rather BE alone and have a good reason to feel lonely, than FEEL alone with a so-called "partner" in my life. The partnership had become a tremendous whirlpool that sucked the very life out of me and caused me to think and do things that didn't sit well with my conscience. I know my sister is enduring some of that right now. I think if we live long enough, it happens to everyone.

Still, while I was visiting with my sister, we had occasion to have a lovely evening/cookout with two couples who are old friends of theirs, with means...in their 70s and 80s...and still going strong. These folks raised families together, struggled together, and now have grown old together, gracefully. And THAT is what I miss the most! When my ex and I split up, I can remember grieving over the fact that I would not be able to celebrate a 20th anniversary or enjoy the presence of our future grandchildren together--just being comfortable in each other's presence after the fullness of years. The sadness didn't last long. I had a kid to finish raising and new traditions to begin. There wasn't much time to languish in self-pity. (I have more of that now than then...but not much. Now it is more like how unjust it is to work your fanny off all your life, and your reward is to get old and infirm. Ugh!)

What games we mortals play! Each person is responsible for his/her own happiness, but being married brings its own special entanglements. On Friday, my brother-in-law, who suffers from early stages of dementia, started putting his shoes on. When my sister asked where he was going, he answered, "What do YOU care? You don't care what I do!" I was appalled! There had not been a cross word between them, but I could see that he was agitated about something and in his mind it was somehow HER fault. 'Tis moments like that when I remember all too well that there ARE advantages to the single life!

If I make a mess, I know who is going to clean it up, and when. I eat what I want, when I want. I have complete control of the TV remote control. The thermostat is set on the temperature I need to stay comfortable. I decide where the money, such as it is, will go. I can sleep all day if I want to. There is no one to nag me if I'm not doing what someone else wants me to do. There is no one to blame but me if things go wrong, and no one to demand that I do more...or less. Studies have shown that married people--particularly men--live longer than unmarried people, but I think that is simply out of self-defense!

I'm not bragging. Companionship without neediness is a good thing. Sometimes, I wish I had it, but I'm not sure (at my age) that it's even possible anymore. For now, I am satisfied that my life is all about decisions I made early on and that I am now dealing with the consequences of those decisions. It's not such a bad thing to live alone in my little house-on-a-slab. As comedian Chris Farley would have said, "Whoop-de-freakin'-doo!"