I departed the home front for my sister's near Springfield, Illinois, in order to provide support during a stressful time. My niece's husband was dying of lung cancer which he had battled for over a year, and I was needed. I was needed in order to provide coverage for my sister's husband who has dementia. I was needed to provide another vehicle in case we were called to go in different directions at the same time. I was needed to just be there so my sister could do what she felt she wanted/needed to do for her daughter. The circumstances are complicated and somewhat convoluted, but I/we did what families do for each other. There was never any question about that.
When my daughter and husband were headed back from Florida in December, I had my grandchildren with me. We departed on December 28th to meet them at their house in far northern Illinois, although we were first to arrive. Since I was expecting a call from my sister about the situation with my nephew-in-law at any time, I took enough clothes with me to leave, if needed to, to head south to Springfield for a funeral. It didn't happen.
When I came home a couple of weeks later, I didn't even unpack my suitcase. I had come back with all of my clothing clean, so I just waited for my sister's call. Finally, she said, "Why don't you just come? Ron isn't expected to live past the weekend." I left for Springfield, IL, on Thursday, Jan. 22nd. Ron not only survived the weekend, he lived an entire week beyond, leaving the rest of us to swarm like bees to do things that needed to be done in the meantime.
Lynn (my niece--the widow-to-be) needed new brakes on her vehicle. Thus, her son and I (armed with my sister's money) drove to the hospital to pick up the car, take it to the repair dude--which was more complicated than it sounds because we had to purchase the auto parts, etc.--then pick it up when done to return it to the hospital for Lynn for when/if she decided to leave the hospital to get some rest. The next day, her vehicle license would expire, so her son and I, once again armed with my sister's money, took care of that so she would not be driving on an expired plate. We picked up the son's paycheck, went to the bank so he could deposit it, and ran whatever other errands were required, while my sister manned the phones at the home front with her husband.
God bless the man, Ron finally passed this life on January 31st.
My sister began to take charge. She went to the funeral home the next day with her daughter. I stayed home with my bro-in-law. Later, she and I ran errands....to take money to the funeral home to cover the funeral expenses so they would proceed, plus open a memorial account at a bank for Ron. Another day, we went to Sam's Club to purchase paper products for the funeral dinner and try to find a decent guest registry book for the funeral. (The one from the funeral home would cost $150!!)
The funeral was complicated. There was a viewing--visitation--at the funeral home. Ron was to be cremated that night, but the viewing came first. The funeral home was full to overflowing! Who knew there would be so many people paying their respects? The next morning, Ron's funeral would take place with full military honors at Camp Butler Cemetery in Springfield. It was cold, but we were kept in the cold longer because the man who was supposed to deliver Ron's eulogy at the funeral home the night before had his days mixed up and didn't arrive. He delivered it under the shelter at Camp Butler. Then we all departed for the Bereavement Dinner at the local VFW, complete with cash bar. Can't say that I have ever been to a deal like that, but everyone was drinking and eating and celebrating Ron's life in casual attire. We ate and visited and left because my demented bro-in-law was getting agitated and ready to leave. It was time...
Dealing with a person with dementia--which my sister does every day of her life with her husband--is not an easy job. By the time of Ron's funeral, I had been there with them for two weeks and had lost my patience/temper with Roger twice. (I don't know how my sister does this. I guess almost 54 years of marital devotion helps.) The funeral was on Friday. I agreed to stay through Saturday to watch their dog so my sis and husband could attend a charity function in Bloomington, IL, with their Corvette club. On Sunday, I left for home in good weather.
What are my new perspectives?
1. In death, there are no limits. Those who mourn the most and who are in charge take the reins, and the rest of us have no choice but to accept. My niece showed up at her husband's funeral dressed like a biker babe, complete with colors, black leather chaps, boots, and a do-rag on her head. Her mother and I hated it, and no one else was dressed like that....but you know what? Not a single soul batted an eye. Who are we to judge? Lynn did what she wanted to do for her husband's ceremonies. That's all that mattered.
2. Sometimes, we do things we would not normally do in support of our family members. Deaths in the family create memories that are never, ever forgotten. To do less than what is expected or needed will create problems that would take years to overcome. Like it or not, we need to just be there...and keep our mouths shut if things don't seem proper. We did that.
3. People on the outside of the family circle might never understand what goes on inside the circle. Best just to let criticisms go...which is sometimes hard for those being attacked.
4. Nothing should stand between a person and his/her family. Focusing on one person's needs in a crisis is the same as focusing on everyone's needs. Help one...help them all.
Life goes on. Ron will be missed. The aftermath of his death will go on for awhile, but we will all cover for him, as best we can. God is good. In the meantime, I'm glad to be home again. Winter is such a cruel time to be out and about!
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