Living Single

There are people who simply cannot imagine being alone in life.  Subconsciously terrified, they will run from one relationship to another--sometimes beginning new ones before ending old ones.  I feel sorry for those folks because they are only running from themselves.  They never have the opportunity to discover their strengths or correct their weaknesses.  They are invested in their deep-seated insecurities and cover them up by being with someone(s) who will be sucked into the fantasy that they are worthy because they are needed.  How very sad for both of them!  They tend to make bad decisions based on false information--decisions that will affect the rest of their lives.

There are narcissists and sociopaths among us who are disguised as "nice guys".  If you are involved with one of these people, you will figure it out, eventually...but at how much cost?  How much of your life will have been given to the carefully-manipulated image?  When do you finally understand that he who claims to love you only does so for what you can bring to him by way of security?  (I am speaking from a female perspective, of course.)  I have long maintained that people need to be on their own for at least two years after the end of a relationship--whether by divorce or death--before even beginning to be ready to try love again.  Care to bet how many people truly understand this?

I wish I had a monetary donation for every time I heard a long-married woman say, "If something happened to my husband, I would never get married again."  Unfortunately, this is not a testament to the love and devotion in the marriage, but rather a witness to how much work it is to be married to this person...how much of herself she has given up in order to keep things going.  No one wants to start over again, breaking in a new relationship when exhausted by the old one.  No one.

First of all, we need to understand that as long as we live, we are not alone.  We have ourselves.  If you are a person of faith, you also have that.  Make no mistake: we need others in our lives.  A single person needs to build a support system of friends who are willing and able to help out when things go awry.  All you have to do is reach out.  Any person who claims to be lonely isn't taking care of him/herself.  Loneliness has to do with expectation.  You expect to have someone else in your life.  When Valentine's Day comes and you don't get flowers or candy from anyone, you feel sorry for yourself.  Why?  In the grand scheme of things, flowers die and candy gets eaten.  But still, you just want to feel special and loved.  You ARE loved...just maybe not by someone you can call a lover!  Guess what?  The day after Valentine's Day is February 15th...just another day, the same as yesterday, but with no expectation.

Twenty-five years ago, I became a newly-single woman after a scant 13 years of marriage.  It wasn't a particularly happy time.  In fact, at times it was nasty.  I made up my mind in those days that I wasn't going to be messed with ever again by anyone--not my ex and not others.  I understood that I was in this life all by myself and needed to find a way to be in the world in a way that would be acceptable.  No one was going to take care of me except me.  It hasn't always been easy...but I have NEVER suffered from fear of being alone (except for the notion that something could happen to me health-wise, but that could happen even if I were surrounded by people all the time).  I am still single, and happily so.  Sure, I miss companionship some, but I also enjoy my solitude.  What is the saying?  "I'm in my own little world, but that's okay because they know me here."

I'm older now.  I've had Friends with Benefits.  I've had enough love and companionship to say that I don't regret a second of my "aloneness".  I feel bad for people like my sister, surrounded by loved ones who are so needy that they suck the life out of her.  (That sounds smug, but it isn't!)

Know what's really sad about all of this?  It takes old age to figure out what life is all about.  Anyone under the age of 60 just won't get it!

God bless!