Afloat on a Cork on the Ocean

In all of my 69 years on the planet, I have come to understand that there are basically two unconscious motivating factors for people:  fear of being alone, and fear of public humiliation.  The first makes people form unhealthy relationships for lack of better ones; the second is a major source of suicide.  I'm just going to talk about the alone thing because I think I'm an expert.  The public humiliation issue is a whole other blog post!

I have lived alone for many years.  I complain about it, sometimes, but I actually do better alone than I do with people who expect things of me.  Why?  I spent way too many years accepting the role of caregiver.  It wasn't exactly something that was foist on me.  I just did it.  I thought that's what I was supposed to do, so I did it.  In the end, the people that I gave the most to turned their backs on me, and that's when I decided that I'd do better just to be on my own.

But there was a time, as a young married woman, when I expected that my husband would care for me and our child.  I'll spare the gory details, but it didn't happen.  Our daughter and I were floating on the ocean on a cork, "all, all alone".  I felt so totally lonely, it was pathetic.

Once, after we moved to a new community for his job, my then-husband threw himself into his job.  I was being mommy to a toddler but was doing it alone.  I went to church one Sunday.  Thereafter, the minister came to call.  (Ministers used to do that as part of their ministry!)  In our relatively short conversation, I revealed to him that I felt so very alone.  His next comment blew me away:  "You don't need to feel alone ever again".  Of course, it was his job to say that, but it was what I needed to hear.  I felt so much better then, like I had someone or something to bolster me up in trying times. There is no one quite so alone as the mother of small children!

On Facebook today, I watched a dashcam video of a policeman answering a call of a man running in and out of traffic on an interstate (or major highway).  When the man saw the policeman, he made a run to throw himself over a wall at the side of the road which would lead to a deadly plunge to a roadway beneath.  The cop managed to tackle the piteously weeping man just as he reached the wall. He cried uncontrollably that his family was dead and he wanted to be, too.  (No other details.)  The audio is hard to discern, but the policeman held the guy down in an attempt to calm him.  What I could hear from the policeman was, "You are not alone!"  Finally, the suicidal fellow quieted enough to be taken for emotional evaluation.  All I could think of was, if the man hadn't felt alone, he might not have attempted this.  The policeman was so very right!

I endlessly watch Dr. Phil shows.  Sometimes, he has what seems like hopeless cases--people who are so hard-hearted and covered over that they defend horrible behavior and deflect responsibility for what they have done.  Generally, he throws what he calls the "bullshit flag" on them, telling them how very wrong they are for what they are doing...and then he softens his tone and his approach. Quietly, he will say, "Don't you feel so very alone?"  That's when the magic happens.  To a person, women, children, and even big strapping men, dissolve into tears.  They become little kids, trying so hard to make their way in life, thinking they have to be strong, yet feel unloved and lonely.  In this condition, they are finally honest and can more readily accept the help that he offers them.  Would that it were that easy in the rest of the world!

I have decided that the best thing you can do for/say to a person who is experiencing emotional pain is, "You don't have to feel alone ever again.  We'll get through this together."  That implies that you will be there...that you will endure with the sufferer.  Anything less is worse than the actual fact of being alone.  Aloneness is a state of mind.  Unless you find yourself in solitary confinement as a civil punishment for something heinous, you have expectations of societal living.  You expect to have friends.  You expect to be able to function in some normal manner.  You need others to cushion your falls and uplift your failures.  Without those, you tend to feel alone, even if your perspective is warped.  You need to reach out.  Look to others to see how they endure.  Be thankful for what you have over and above what they have.

God made you who you are.  You don't need anyone else to complete you.  Having a companion is far preferable to living alone, but if you ARE alone, make the best of it.  I have.  If I can do it, YOU can do it!