Teacher Dreams

 I retired from teaching in public schools in 2009.  I was probably three years premature in doing so, since I was only 62 at the time, and the general age for retirement (according to Social Security) is 65.  At the time, I was teaching 8th grade, but my daughter and grandchildren were living with me, and we really needed more child-care coverage at home for pre-and-post-school supervision, so I gave up three years of potential retirement benefits in order to stay home and help take care of the kids, who were very young--kdg and 2nd grade--at the time.  In those days, I could still breathe well and could stand/walk without problems, but I had a heart attack two months after retirement, so things changed quickly.  In short, although I didn't help myself financially, it was probably wise for me to hang up my teaching credentials after 40 years.  Honestly?  I didn't really miss it.  Oh...maybe at the beginning and the end of each school year, I missed the excitement of traditions, but as the years continued and I no longer knew the kids or even the teachers who came after me, I was okay with it all.

In the same year that I retired, both my daughter and my children left, against my better wishes.  I went into a tailspin for awhile...but I never left the classroom.  Every night, in my dreams, I was in class, facing students that were challenging me every second.  I'm always unprepared, and I'm always trying to be effective, to no avail.  Many times, I am lost in the school buildings trying to find my way to a classroom.  Often, I feel like a fraud.

Many people have dreams that they are walking around in public naked, or in their underwear.  I have dreams of being vulnerable in front of a class of students.  To me, that's the ultimate value of what I chose to do with my life.  Either I'm up for it, or I'm not.  Apparently, my subconscious mind thinks I'm a fraud.  While I'm always in there, kicking, in my dreams, I never deem myself successful.  When I wake up, I still don't trust myself as a teacher.  Maybe that's normal, but it sure doesn't help my Positive Mental Attitude, even though I've been retired for 12 years!