Things That Make Me LOL

I live a solitary existence.  As I age, I find some things humorous that may not seem that way to others.  Some of the following are among the "you had to be there" anecdotes; others won't make sense unless you watch the same TV shows that I watch.  I just thought I'd share some of the things that make me laugh.

From the Dr. Phil Show:

Dr. Phil to a hateful and demanding man complaining about his wife:  You are like a chihuahua barking all up and down the length of a fence.  When you get to the gate, why don't you come on out and show us what you've got?

From Big Bang Theory (my favorite TV show):

Amy to Sheldon:  Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon:  You mean like Salt Lake City?

Neighbor Penny to Sheldon who is helping her get dressed (with his eyes closed) because she has slipped in the shower and dislocated her shoulder:  Is that my elbow you are touching?
Sheldon:  It doesn't feel like an elbow.
Penny:  Then maybe you should let go of it.

Jewish friend, Howard, lamenting the fact that he had been rejected in an attempt to score with a woman:  Is it because I'm Jewish?  Because I would totally kill my rabbi with a pork chop if I could hook up with her.

From real life:
Grandpa Artie (under his breath) after listening to Grandma Helen complain that the stray cat that came around would let everyone pet it but her, then watching through the patio glass as she reached out, grabbed it by the tail and pulled it back to her when it tried to walk away:  Well, there's the problem, Dumbass.

Honor students in my English class just before class started:
1st Student, (rubbing his shoulder):  How can you tell if your collar bone is broken?
2nd Student:  If you lie down on the floor and I put a desk on it, if it don't hurt then it ain't broke.

Me to my daughter Megan:  Lately it seems that you correct virtually everything I say.
Megan:  Not everything!

A picture shared on the Internet of an upper-arm tattoo, quoting Deuteronomy (Bible scripture) declaring that homosexuality is an abomination to God...while apparently not noticing that, just a few verses later, tattoos are also forbidden.

Student getting a failing grade on a worksheet that he hadn't completed because he failed to see that there was more on the back of the sheet:  Huh!  There's a whole 'nother side!

Student who came to me to inquire how he could improve his grade.  When I explained that he could start by doing his homework, he responded:  Ms. McNary, I care...but I don't care THAT much.

And so it goes.  I'm sure there is more.  I'll just have to keep thinking.  My world...and welcome to it!